PopTard

S.S. Keeley Hazell Goes Topless For Halloween October 31, 2008

Keeley Hazell Topless Halloween

You know, I think Keeley Hazell is onto something here. She has clearly taken into account the struggling economy, and is embarking on a humanitarian effort to promote cost-effective costuming using only half the regular amount of material. There are many plus sides to this prism of entrepreneurial spirit: saving money, conserving resources, and oh yeah — boobs. Boobsboobsboobs.

Happy Halloween, bitches! Have a fun, drunken, slutty weekend! Abby will be back on Monday to nurse you through the end of your three day hangover. Try not to get arrested!

Quickies: Trolls Love Tacos

Ashley Olsen might be planning a secret million dollar wedding. With a taco bar. (Cele|bitchy)

Lance Bass wins the Lamest Costume Award. (WIMB)

Jessica Alba is rocking a skintight dress and some lank fringe. (LaineyGossip)

Madonna and A-Rod are having sex at Seinfeld’s house, apparently. (TheSuperficial)

Samantha Ronson looks delicately feminine, as usual. (Evil Beet)

John McCain will be on SNL this weekend. (Starpulse)

Kate Bosworth is dressed like a refugee in “Designing Women” castoffs. (IDWYL)

Christina Ricci’s hair is red now. (WWTDD)

Fox is canceling “King of the Hill”. (S?OMG!WTF?)

Miley Cyrus’s parents are finally beginning to suspect that their white trashiness + Miley’s whoreyness = bad news bears. (Celebslam)

Pink called Jennifer Aniston stupid. Kinda sorta. (GB)

Suri Cruise looks pissed as hell. (Dlisted)

Ashley Olsen visiting “The Late Show” yesterday:

Sarah Silverman on Jimmy Kimmel Live

Here’s a change of pace from our normal cavalcade of cleavage:

Part 2 after the jump.

Kate Moss is Fresh as a Daisy

Newsflash: Doing tons of cocaine for 15 years straight and smoking about eight packs of cigarettes a day will make you look like hell. Kate Moss is only 34 years old, but she’s starting to look like Helen Mirren’s great aunt. If Helen Mirren had a great aunt who had given birth to nine babies and worked 57 hours a day in a factory for 40 years and then retired to the outskirts of Chernobyl and slept in a vat of Crisco.

From the Daily Mail:

Kate Moss turned heads for all the wrong reasons as she arrived at Heathrow airport yesterday without a scrap of make-up on.

The notoriously hard partying model looked washed-out, wrinkled and every inch her 34 years.

But as the star stepped off her long haul flight at LAX airport today, it was startlingly clear the 11-hour flight had left her skin in an even worse state.

Her complexion was blighted by spots and a cold sore appeared to have surfaced on her upper lip.

But Kate didn’t seemed too concerned, laughing and joking with her on-off boyfriend Jamie Hince, 39, as they made their way out of the airport.

I guess maybe I have high expectations of supermodels, but I would think at this point Kate Moss should either invest heavily in trowels and spackle or start bathing in the blood of virgins, cuz seriously… yikes.

Celebrity Halloween Costumes

Heidi Montag Halloween

Halloween exists for two purposes:

1. Eat a shit ton of candy 2. Dress like a slut, go to a party, act like a whore and get wasted

Celebrities are firm believers in upholding these timeless traditions (or at least #2), and this year is no different. Here’s a Halloween 2008 Slutty Costume Roundup.

Kim Kardashian’s ass dressed as Wonder Woman at some masquerade yesterday:

Heidi Montag and that toolshed she hangs around with dressed as attention-craving retards:

Kendra Wilkinson as — wait, is this a costume? I can’t tell:

Mariah Carey and her wife, Nick Cannon, dressed as cookies & milk (because they’re idiots) at their costume party at Marquee in NYC yesterday:

Mariah Carey and her wife, again — this time dressed as “sexy firefighters”:

Traci Bingham as Officer Boobage yesterday:

Shauna Sand dressed as… an orange whore (I guess) on Oct. 25th:

Say Hello to Sasha Fierce

Beyoncé Knowles has that new album coming out called I am… Sasha Fierce, and apparently it somehow involves human origami, because these are the first of the promo pics and Beyoncé is looking a tad Cirque du Soleil up there. Kinda like the bastard love child of Grace Jones and Gumby. It also reminds me a little of the possessed bendy girl from The Exorcism of Emily Rose. I’m guessing that’s not quite the vibe she was going for here, though.

I get the feeling this is supposed to be blowing my mind or something, but… meh. I tried super hard for at least six or seven seconds to get worked up about the astronomical stupidity of this whole Sasha Fierce business, but Beyoncé tends to make me feel nothing but ambivalence, so I am left with only a vague suspicion that Victoria Beckham just might get all irate-midget-alien-robot up in Beyoncé’s face for trying to horn in on her crazy shoe territory. Nobody rocks a weird shoe harder than Posh. Everybody knows that. Well, everyone except Sasha Fierce, it would seem.

Twilight is Still Happening; Still Sucks

Have you kids heard of this Twilight thing? I’m going to assume that you have, or that you’ve just woken from a coma within the last ten minutes. Anyway, another new Twilight promo came out:

Have you read these books? I read them because I’ve been reviewing them for Pajiba, and they’re pretty much the worst things to happen to my eyeballs since that time I had to give my grandmother a sponge bath. A drunk toddler with dyslexia and a broken Speak ‘n Spell could produce better books than this series. It’s taken me over a month to force myself to finish the third one, and I seriously don’t know if I have it in me to tackle the fourth. Of course, the infinite suckage won’t stop me from seeing the movie. It’s the primary reason I absolutely NEED to see the movie. I have high hopes that it will be so bad that I’ll actually pull at least three muscles and possibly crack a rib from convulsions of laughter.

S.S. Vikki Blows Topless Pictures October 30, 2008

Vikki Blows is one of those “glamour models” that the UK likes to churn out so that they can claim an export product besides antiques and pomp (I can make fun of this because I’m Irish, and our largest export is beer, so we are clearly better). I’ve never heard of her before, but her name is hysterical and she has a 2009 calendar in which she valiantly takes a stand against the oppressive nature of clothing. What a brave soul. We should all applaud such fortitude.

Quickies: Hagtastic Inflatables

Ashley wants the Olsen Twins to get breast implants. I have to say I question her logic, because when I see a matched pair of creepazoid midgets, the first thing I think is usually not, “We need more boobs here.” (AB)

Katie Holmes looks like ass on fire. (IDLYITW)

Michael Jackson’s kids wear extra-masky masks for Halloween. Jacko, of course, requires no falsified horror and is simply dressed as himself. (ASL)

Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP newsletter is — shockingly! — insufferable. (Mollygood)

Linda Hogan is still leathery and orange with stringy neon hair, and she’s still dating an orange kid with stringy neon hair. They’re like Oompa Loompas, only with less singing and more pedophilia. (WIMB)

Elle MacPherson’s ass may be 44 years old, but it’ll still rock your socks off. (WWTDD)

One of the Coreys is getting married, and the blushing bride is just as lovely as you might imagine. (Dlisted)

Paris Hilton believes she is the picture of health. (ICYDK)

The overwhelming power of Cloris Leachman’s old lady boobs almost busted the gay right outta Lance Bass. (TheSuperficial)

Halloween is tomorrow, so to help get your creep on: a retrospective on John Carpenter. (Pajiba)

Meet Miss Maxim 2008

It’s a slow news day, so here are some pictures of a mostly-naked lady I’ve never heard of. Apparently her name is Rachael Cordingley, and she is Miss Maxim 2008. You’re welcome.

Nicole Kidman’s Baby Makes Her Cry

Hey guys, it’s Sarah. Abby had a small incident today involving a circus bear, some mounted police, and a trunk full of moonshine, and it’ll probably take her ’til Monday to scrape bail together. Y’all are stuck with me until then. Moving on, Nicole Kidman is on the cover of the new Parade magazine, and she looks even more puffy and stretched and frozen than usual. Remember how pretty she used to be when she still looked like herself?

Nicole on the new Parade cover (left) and in an older photo (right)

She actually looked best when she still had the red hair, but if she insists on being blonde then she should at least go back to a shade that looks like it could theoretically have grown out of a human head. Also, Jesus God would these women please KNOCK IT OFF with the collagen? Nobody looks good with trout lips! Just look at Zach Braff! On second though, don’t… he’s gross.

In the Parade interview, Nicole says she cries even thinking of her baby daughter, Sunday Rose. From People:

“I’m raw and emotional,” Kidman, 41, says regarding her baby girl in the upcoming issue of Parade magazine. “I cry even thinking of her. But they are tears of joy. Because I suppose I never thought I would get to [give birth to a child]. To have been given it so late in life – I’m so ready for it.”

Kidman, who adopted daughter Isabella, 15, and son Connor, 13, with first husband Tom Cruise, said having a baby again after 40 with husband Keith Urban has changed her mindset about taking risks.

“It’s very bittersweet. Because, at 41, I think, ‘I want to see her 21st birthday, and I want to see her get married.’ My relationship with death used to be far more ambivalent, I think, and now it’s very much about staying in the world,” she explains to the magazine. “That’s why in the past I could jump out of planes and take a lot of risks. Strangely enough, I think when you have children at 25, you still have that ‘what will be, will be’ attitude. It’s such a different way of parenting.”

You know, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if Connor and Isabella go on some kind of psychotic rampage one of these days. They’ve got a rictus-faced mum, an alcoholic stepfather, a lunatic dad, a zombie stepmother, and two famewhoring half-sisters about whom their parents never shut up. There’s probably going to be a string of victims found in fields with their hair shorn by a Flowbee and that Australian pregnancy water poured all over them.

Obama’s Daily Show Interview and Infomercial Video

People are always asking me, “So, Abby, who are you going to vote for come November 4th?” The answer is: I’m not. And not just because I’m a registered felon, either. And also not because Election Day falls on Triple Taco Tuesday at the Mexi-Hut. That’s just a happy coincidence. I’m not voting because I think both candidates may, in fact, be communists, what with their “nationalizing the banks” this and “from each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” that. But if I were a voting girl, I think Barack Obama would have sealed the deal with last night’s half-hour long prime time infomercial and appearance on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. He’s self-effacing and confident, personable and charming all at once, like me after a couple of drinks, except he keeps his shirt on. I’d say the only way John McCain could seem more antiquated and out of touch now is if he had tentacles for a beard and a barnacle-covered lobster claw for a hand and only came up on dry land once every hundred years.

Informercial in its entirety after the jump.

Rossdale. Zuma Nesta Rock Stefani Rossdale.

The paparazzi got their real first shot at Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale’s new baby Zuma Nesta Rock Stefani Rossdale as he posed for his very own passport at the Beverly Hills Library yesterday. Just what the hell a baby would need with a passport is beyond me. Maybe he’s involved with international baby espionage and intrigue. Or maybe he just wants something that says, “I crapped myself in 28 different countries.” For a pants-pooping covert agent, you have to admit he’s pretty darn cute.

S.S. Katie Price is an Endless Dichotomy October 29, 2008

Katie Price (AKA Jordan) launched some kind of styling product line at Superdrug today. Apparently it involves curling irons and straighteners and whatnot. I don’t know; nobody cares anyway. What’s important here is that Katie is, as always, dressed like a total crazypants. Behold the insanity! I guess just one slutty pink outfit simply wasn’t gonna cut it for this merchandising extravaganza, and thus we have: KatieJordanPriceBarbieTwoFace.

You know, I really don’t understand what goes on in my brain when Katie Price happens. She’s totally white trash, completely fake, kind of an idiot, embroiled in an elaborate hoax of a marriage with a cartoonish gay man, wears more makeup than Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez combined, and is, as far as I can surmise, utterly devoid of practical purpose. Also, have you ever heard her talk? Holy Hannah Montana, she’s annoying. And yet… oh, how I love her spectacle of plastic lunacy. I have absolutely no idea why. It’s just one of life’s infinite mysteries.

Quickies: Smoking in Black & White

Anne Hathaway poses for Vogue in her knickers. (Egotastic!)

Evidence would indicate that it’s impossible for Katy Perry not to dress like a dumbass. (AB)

jessica simpson is a hot box office star… in Russia. (WIMB)

Suri Cruise is one step closer to her future as a total recluse. (ASL)

Penelope Cruz’s sister has boobs, and some Swiss dude is staring at them. (Celebslam)

The Olsen Twins fancy themselves wee divas. (Cele|bitchy)

Hilary Duff sluts it up (a little) in her new video. (Popoholic)

Jennifer Love Hewitt might be pregnant. Or maybe she just drank a really big glass of water and indulged in an elaborate hallucination about eating a sandwich. (The Blemish)

Lake Bell is wearing a hideous jumpsuit with some sort of scarf-cape. (Fatback)

It’s cold as hell outside, but Nicolette Sheridan won’t let a little ass chap keep her from parading around in a bikini. (Hollywood Tuna)

Pete Wentz likes to gaze upon the manly flesh of David Beckham. But totally not in a gay way, or anything. (GB)

Joaquin Phoenix Says He’s Retiri… zzzzz.

Hey, remember Joaquin Phoenix? He’s that guy who was in Gladiator. The surly one. No, not that one. The other one. He’s kinda scruffy, and he’s always scowling, and sounds completely pompous in all interviews, and hasn’t been interesting in ages. No, not Russell Crowe! The OTHER one!

Well, anyway, he’s retiring. Or at least that’s what he told E! Online:

Phoenix, who turns 34 today, recently finished shooting the romantic drama Two Lovers with Gwyneth Paltrow, Vinessa Shaw and Isabella Rossellini. When the director said, “That’s a wrap!”…Phoenix apparently took it literally.

“I want to take this opportunity to give you an exclusive…I’ve been through that. I’ve done it.

“No, I’m not kidding,” he added, presumably not kidding.

At Phoenix’s side Monday night was Casey Affleck, who told E! News that his To Die For costar is really serious about hanging up his acting shoes. Honest.

Yeah, I know you don’t care. I don’t care either. No one cares. I’ve never even heard of this Two Lovers movie, and the fact that it co-stars Gwyneth Paltrow does nothing to spur my interest, as she is a jackhole about whom I can only be bothered to care in the context of Iron Man. I’m not sure who Joaquin thinks he’s kidding with this announcement of his impending retirement from film. The last time he made a genuinely interesting movie was Quills, and that was eight damn years ago. What he calls “retirement”, the rest of us refer to as “irrelevance”.

Besides, I remember Joaquin Phoenix from when his name was Leaf, and he was in movies like Space Camp and Parenthood. Then he disappeared for a few years, and when he came back he had a different name, and I was all, “Isn’t that the guy who was in that movie where his best friend was a robot, and then that other one where he skulked around with a big bag of porn?” And nobody knew what the hell I was talking about. I don’t really remember where I was going with this, but you know who else has pretend best friends and skulks around with porn and disappears and then comes back with a new name? Socially maladjusted sex offenders, that’s who.

Ashley Van Dyke Arrested for DUI

I literally have no idea who the hell Ashley Van Dyke is, but she has a slutty MySpace, and I guess she drives a car or something. Oh, and she does it while drunk, apparently. According to TMZ:

Some chick named Ashley Van Dyke was busted on suspicion of DUI in Hollywood. Her fame status is considered “barely” at best — but she tried to use it to get out of trouble anyway.

Cops nailed the former one-time SPEED TV host in West Hollywood late Monday night when she refused to cooperate with a deputy who was directing traffic. But after she was pulled over, sources say she felt the need to tell cops, “…but I’m a race car driver!”

Didn’t matter — ’cause we’re told she failed the field sobriety test miserably and blew well over the legal BAC limit.

From now on, whenever anybody gets all up in my business asking inappropriate stuff like, “Could you please put a shirt on?” or, “Are you gonna pay for that?” I plan on responding with, “…but I’m a race car driver!” That’ll teach people to question my motives.

More slutty pictures from Ashley Van Dyke’s MySpace:

Angelina Jolie May or May Not Be Worried

This smells like a load of crap to me, but Star is claiming that Angelina Jolie is worried about Brad Pitt maybe possibly having an undue amount of interest in Diane Kruger, his costar in Quentin Tarantino’s asininely misspelled new movie:

Angie is livid, sources say, over Brad’s recent freewheeling behavior with the happily single costars and director of his latest movie, Inglourious Basterds. But what’s really sending Angie over the edge is the blatant flirtation between him and his gorgeous leading lady, German actress Diane Kruger! “Angie loves Brad and wants to trust him, but she also knows that their own love blossomed while working on a movie together,” an insider tells Star. “Now she’s convinced that Diane has a crush on Brad, and she’s scared something could happen.”

Angelina’s instincts first kicked into high gear in September when Brad and divorcée Diane both attended an intimate cast dinner without her in Berlin. “They went through several bottles of wine,” Mimmo Bianco, manager of Italian restaurant Al Contadino Sotto le Stelle tells Star. “It was obvious he was having a great time.”

I can think of at least 18 reasons why this is stupid and probably a pack of lies, but let’s focus on the two most obvious. First, every time I’ve ever seen a photo of Diane Kruger, she’s wrapped around Joshua Jackson like a giant squid on a sperm whale. I’m fairly certain she often has no idea where she actually is, because she hardly ever looks anywhere except directly at Joshua Jackson’s face. She seems pretty content with her lot, such as it is. Second, Brad Pitt would have to be completely goddamn retarded to cheat on Angelina Jolie, especially with Diane Kruger. Diane’s an incredibly lovely woman, but Angelina Jolie is… well, LOOK at her. Plus, Angelina is one of the most famous people in the world. I bet if you showed the average person a photo of Diane Kruger, they’d get a giant wrinkle in their forehead, say “Ummmm…” for at least three solid minutes, and then snap and go, “She was the girl in those assy treasure hunting movies with Nicolas Cage’s hairplugs! Man, Nicolas Cage completely sucks.”

The funniest part of the story, though, is this:

Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston, who was married to Brad when he costarred in Troy with Diane, was always jealous of Diane, sources say, so Angelina’s predicament is a small victory. “Jen would absolutely love it if Angie got a taste of her own medicine and hasn’t been shy about letting everyone know,” says an insider. “Jen didn’t trust Diane when she worked with Brad, and now she’s happy that Angelina knows how it feels. For her it would be the sweetest karma!”

Hahaha! Oh, that Jennifer Aniston. I hope none of Brad and Angie’s United Colours of Benneton crew ever get a pet bunny, because it’ll totally end up in a stew pot. Well, what is Jen supposed to do? He won’t answer her calls; he changes his number. I mean, she’s not gonna be IGNORED, Brad!

Britney’s Conservatorship Made Permanent

Remember when Britney Spears shaved her head and attacked a vehicle with an umbrella and hit a parked car and ran over a couple photographers and was being managed by a criminal and dated a paparazzo with a landing strip on his face and kept flashing her danger zone and misplacing her children in the liquor store and stuff? And then remember when her dad stepped in and within weeks she was not only showering on at least a bi-monthly basis, but had rediscovered the magic and wonder of the brassiere and started actually working again? Well, it would appear that nobody wants to screw around with this direction in which her life is moving. Yesterday, a Los Angeles court granted permanent conservatorship to Britney’s father, Jamie Spears. From People:

Britney Spears’s father, Jamie, has been named permanent conservator of his daughter’s affairs, a Los Angeles court ruled on Tuesday. He was also named permanent co-conservator of her estate, along with an attorney, Andrew Wallet.

“I’ve met several times with [Britney] and she requested that I not object to the permanent conservatorship,” the singer’s court-appointed lawyer Samuel Ingham said in open court.

Commissioner Reva Goetz stated that the permanent conservatorship was “necessary and appropriate.”

Experts say, however, that the permanent status doesn’t necessarily mean forever.

“People shouldn’t read too much into the word ‘permanent’” explains Terry K. Wasserman, a mental health lawyer not involved with this case. “In many cases, it’s just a formality to avoid having to renew a temporary status over and over again.”

A source close to Spears concurs, saying, “This is by no means something that’s going to last forever. The conservatorship being made permanent in name is primarily to ensure increased time with her children, and provide support for her music and work goals.”

Adds Wasserman: “Ms. Spears can regain control of her life anytime – as long as her doctors feel she’s able to manage her own affairs.”

Yeah, just as soon as she’s able to manage her own affairs. That should easily happen within a mere 30 years. Reach for the stars, Britney!

Guy Ritchie Wants Custody of the Kids

Hello, campers. It’s Sarah today, but never fear — Abby will be back tomorrow. So, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are still getting divorced. I apologise in advance for the stultifying boredom of this garbage, but apparently this is newsworthy even though Madonna stopped being interesting in approximatenly 1993. Anyhow, according to the Daily Mail:

Yesterday it was claimed that Guy had turned down a massive £20million settlement from Madonna and the pair are ‘no closer’ to reaching any agreement over their impending divorce.

The pair, whose split was made public two weeks ago, are feuding over where their children - Rocco, eight, and adopted David Banda, three - will live and be educated.

Madonna, 50, wants the two boys to live with her and Lourdes, her 12-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, in New York. But Ritchie, 40, would prefer that the children go to school in London.

The singer’s biographer, J Randy Taraborrelli, told Hello! magazine the pair ‘are at loggerheads’.

He said: ‘There was a great deal of haggling about this matter last week, with Madonna upping the amount of Guy’s settlement to more than £20 million in hopes that he would acquiesce.’

He added that they are ‘not even speaking to each other. They communicate only through lawyers’.

Mr Taraborrelli also said a friend of Ritchie told him that the split could become more acrimonious.

The source told him: ‘I do think it’s going to get nasty. He and Madonna are very angry now, no doubt about it, [but] they are willing to put that aside for their children.

‘But I do think that if one sees the other linked up with a new partner so soon, it will make everything a lot more complicated for everyone involved.’

It was also claimed today that the couple’s legal teams are seeking witness statements from business and house staff.

There’s a lot of other nonsense about marriage contracts and hours of Kabbalah reading and pre-scripted arguments, but I fell asleep at least twice while reading that piece so you’d probably be better off reading the link yourself if you’re that interested. Also, consider ritual suicide.

Basically, here’s how I feel about this whole divorce thing: Madonna’s a goddamn lunatic and always has been. Guy Ritchie, who is a good deal younger than Her Veinyness, married her and became about 984% more famous as a result. Then one day he woke up and realised, “Holy hell, I’m in bed with a centuries-old she-demon in a seaweed cellophane wrap, and when she wakes up she’s going to be a controlling harpy with a weightlifting problem, a fake accent, and delusions of grandeur. This sucks. I’m done.” Neither of these jackasses gets any pity from me, and unless the forthcoming witness statements from their household staff uncover ridiculously hilarious tales of domestic insanity, I stopped caring about this within four seconds of hearing they were splitting up.

Dr. Travis Stork and Carrie Underwood are Dating October 28, 2008

Travis Stork & Carrie Underwod Dating

Country singer Carrie Underwood reportedly has a new man in her life — Dr. Travis Stork from ABC’s “The Bachelor!” Yeah, I have no idea who the fuck that is. According to the Post-Chronicle

25-year-old country singer Carrie Underwood has recently been seen canoodling with Dr. Travis Stork in New York City! Stork, 36 has a Nashville connection, having practiced ER medicine at Vanderbilt Medical Center.

Carrie Underwood reportedly set the sexy doctor man up with an all-access backstage concert pass for one of her gigs recently.

“All access,” was it? From what I remember from my freshman year, that’s just music industry talk for “you can put it in the butt while the drummer tapes it.” That Carrie Underwood is one dirty little slut!

Double your pleasure: Carrie unveiling her wax figure at Madame Tussauds last week:

Quickies: Unmasked

It’s got David Hasselhoff and hot chicks! What more could you want? (Anaconda Snakes Game)

Wilmer Valderrama attends a children’s charity costume party dressed as ~~a giant douche~~ himself. (Celebitchy)

Traci Bingham still looks like a tranny troll even with the makeup. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Paris Hilton takes a dump on her Funny or Die Paris-for-President video. (Websters)

Christina Aguilera’s new music video sucks know matter what color hair she’s got on. (MollyGood)

Lisa Marie Presley takes the twins to meet Elvis, but not slathered in peanut butter and quaaludes like he would have liked when he was alive. (Holy Moly)

The Best Horror Movie Death Scenes ever! (Pajiba)

Mischa Barton’s joint-twisting skills are weeeeak. (Ninja Dude)

Holly Madison must really really love cunnilingus. (The Rad Report)

Praise Jeebus! Jessica Biel finally looks hot again. (Bastardly)

Vintage celebrity costumes of yore. (Celebrity Smack)

Mariah Carey’s new video for her latest single is just as predictable and boring as the rest. (popbytes)

Halle Berry Has a Fro

Halle Berry was photographed in Vancouver on Sunday with a hairdo that finally answers the age-old question, “What would you get if you crossed Rick James with Justin Guarini and then put tits on it?” I don’t like to point fingers, but I’m pretty sure this is all Canada’s fault. Just like Alanis Morrisette and free health care.

Ali and Dina Lohan Do Halloween

Ali Lohan and mom Dina arrived at the Animal Fair magazine Halloween Pet Costume Contest yesterday looking like a couple of forty-something cocktail waitresses who just got off the night shift at the local strip club. Ali was in a costume, my guess as “Barb Wire” or “Former Chippendale,” but The Sun says differently:

The 14-year-old turned up in a strangely half-hearted kitten outfit — skintight black leggings, a midriff revealing top and a sheer white top. Her outfit was topped off with a pair of cat’s ears and for some reason, a bow tie.

A kitten! Riiight. Because cats are big into mesh and cheesy tattoos and suffer from premature aging and low self-esteem. Just another visible reminder of why you should spay or neuter them. Or, you know, at least hold their head underwater until they stop making shitty pop albums.