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S.S. More Jennifer Aniston Bikini Pictures September 30, 2008

This year for Halloween I’m totally going to dress up as Jennifer Aniston. It ought to be a pretty easy costume. All I’ll need is a bikini and maybe a dark blonde wig. See, you’ll be able to tell I’m Jennifer Aniston because I’ll go around asking everyone “Do you think I’m pretty? Like pretty pretty? TV pretty? One a scale of 1 to 10, like maybe a 9?” and then cradle my empty baby box while frantically chasing away unsuspecting males. It ought to be a real Hallows Eve hit!

More desperate bikini action in Cabo:

Quickies: It’s Raining Men

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You’d be better off sticking your penis inside a headless bat than inside Kelly Osbourne’s cooter. (Holy Moly)

Something smells fishy, and it’s not just Adnan Ghalib’s chin pubes! (Websters)

Katy Perry’s got that look that says “anal impalement.” (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Audrina Partridge’s fake tits throw another party. (The Grumpiest)

Dita von Teese says she’s shy. Her videos would suggest otherwise. (Celebitchy)

When did Russell Crowe morph into Kirstie fucking Alley? (CityRag)

Top 10 3AM infomercial products that don’t suck! (Coed Magazine)

Chace Crawford attempts to overcome his gayface by pouting next to two other damp dudes on the cover of Details. (MollyGood)

Adriana Lima, Andriana Lima, and even more Adriana Lima! (The Bastardly)

Michael Phelps gets waxed! (popbytes)

Lindsay and Samantha Get Their Bikini On

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If you don’t recognize the above asses, that’s Lindsay Lohan and girlfriend Samantha Ronson on holiday in Cabo. At long last, we finally have an idea of what Samantha Ronson looks like naked! Pale and pasty, like the underbelly of a fish, with sculpted physique of a pre-chewed wad of spongecake. I don’t know whether I should slap her for wearing that hideous bikini or make a delicious sturgeon-chiffon torte out of her. I could always just play it safe and go with a good old-fashioned two-birds-with-one-stone slap to the face with a sturgeon. Experience has taught me that the Sturgeon Slap is really an appropriate response most any situation!

More Details on Heather Locklear’s Arrest

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More details have been released on Heather Locklear’s DWI arrest over the weekend, along with several shitty low-grade pics (like the one above, which shows Heather literally falling out of her car) of the arrest as it occurred. The The Daily Mail says

Locklear was seen revving her engine loudly and repeatedly reversing over a pair of sunglasses in a car park in Santa Barbara. Police made the 47-year-old balance on one foot to see if she was sober - but she had to steady herself on a road sign.

A witness reported that [Heather] had stopped on a nearby highway and left her car, apparently stumbling into traffic.

To complicate matters and ensure she definitely gets off scott-free, a California Highway Patrolman was snapped taking pictures of Heather with his personal cell phone. TMZ says

Officials say the video and photos are being turned over to the D.A.’s office as evidence and nothing was improper about the officer using his cell phone to document the arrest. But we spoke with several others at CHP who say officers shouldn’t be using their personal cellphones, especially when a celeb is the suspect.

That’s right, ladies. Famous or not, never let a cop take a candid picture of you with his personal cell phone. Unless he’s willing to forget about the half-smoked joint in the ashtray and the .10 you just blew so long as you pull down your top and show him your tits. That’s what we in the business like to refer to as “discretion.”

Paris Hilton Presents “Fairy Crust”

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Paris Hilton does her best Tinkerbell impression in the new print ads for her latest fragrance, Fairy ~~Crust~~ Dust. It’s due to hit stores some time next month, so smelling like a cheap whore covered in glitter is only thirty days away! Interesting note about the ad: those little sparkly things floating around her are not actually bits of fairy dust. It’s what happens to crabs that have been exposed to the Paris Hilton’s crotch — they turn phosphorescent and gain the ability aerodynamically generate lift. Kinda like what happened to the Sand Man when he fell into that pit of irradiated sand in Spider-Man, only way more genital itching.

With Benwah Madden at The Abbey in L.A. on Sunday:

Janet Jackson Hospitalized

Janet “Ms. Jackson if You’re Nasty” Jackson was forced to cancel her show yesterday after collapsing during a soundcheck in Montreal . According to TMZ

Janet Jackson was rushed to a hospital yesterday in Montreal and had to cancel her show, according to her reps. The singer “got suddenly ill” during her sound check… and went to an unnamed hospital. She’s being monitored, but no other details of her condition are available.

Jackson canceled her show in Detroit on Friday at the last minute, citing “production constraints,” and rescheduled that show.

I would guess it was some kind of infection related to gastric bypass surgery. I mean, come on — we all know she’s had it done. You don’t drop more pounds than British Parliament on Hooker Extravaganza Wednesday with just the magic of exercise and protein shakes. That said, check out the above clip from her Vancouver show. Mainly, check out the back up dancers. Every time I see people like that, all I can think about is what their poor parents have to say when someone asks how their kid is doing. “Oh, he’s just great! Thanks for asking! Have you seen this concert clip? That’s my Timmy right there! On the left! No, not that one — the submissive in the tutu.” Their parents must all be so proud!

S.S. It’s Still Summer in Jennifer Aniston Land September 29, 2008

For every Paul Newman in Hollywood, there are a hundred stupid twats that spend twenty grand a month on cellulite treatments and their weekends on a lounge chair at a private resort in Cabo. See if you can guess which one Jennifer Aniston is. Hint: she’s in a bikini. On a lounge chair. In Cabo. I don’t want to give it away, but there isn’t a terminally ill child or ripple of cellulite anywhere in sight. Good luck guessing!

Quickies: Apocalypse Now

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Heath Ledger’s estate is going where it should — to his daughter. (Holy Moly)

Adnan Ghalib confirms the Britney sex tape! (The Blemish)

Where does Hayden Panettiere rank on your Bastardly Sexiest Women list? (The Bastardly)

Barack Obama may be the Antichrist. Sure explains the celebrity following. (MollyGood)

Tennis star Rafael Nadal’s magnificent bare ass! (CelebSlam)

Imagine Orwell without the fangs and you’ve got yourself “Eagle Eye.” (Pajiba)

Tom and Katie just crossed the line from “creepy” to “terrifying.” (Websters)

Kendra Wilkinson’s magnificently naked funbags for your viewing pleasure! (Mr. Skin)

See if you can guess which one is the real Sarah Jessica Parker. (Agent Bedhead)

Anne Hathaway on butt sex: “Every girl should try it.” Sold! (The Rad Report)

That’s just what happens when you go down face first in Janet Jackson’s lap — you puke. (CelebNewsWire)

Scarlett Johansson Marries Ryan Reynolds

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Actress Scarlett Johansson is officially off the market, at least for the next, oh, year and a half, tops. According to Us Weekly

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are now husband and wife, her rep has confirmed to Usmagazine.com.The wedding took place Saturday evening at a remote wilderness resort outside Vancouver. Guests included Scarlett’s mother, Melanie Sloan, and her brother, Adrian Johansson.

How rustic and quaint! A wilderness wedding. I get it. The becoming one with nature as they become one with each other and stuff. I would now like to offer my congratulations with a heartfelt toast. Hang on, what’s Canadian for “pretentious asswipes” again?

Scarlett in the August issue of Gloss Magazine:

Amy Winehouse Attacks

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Amy Winehouse is staring down another arrest after punching a dancer at the $1400-a-ticket End Of Summer Ball in London last week. Police fear that she may, in fact, be rabid at this point, and the only way to make it stop is to let her have it Old Yeller-style. The Sun reports

Sherene Flash, 30, said junkie Amy punched her in the eye after she asked to take the star’s picture. Amy then ran off, crying out: “Life can’t go on. I can’t do this any more.”

A pal said: “Sherene asked Amy if she could take a photo. Amy was OK at first, but when Sherene asked if a friend could get in the shot, Amy lashed out.”

A source said: “[Amy] was getting distressed. There was a lot of grabbing and flashbulbs were going off. She was startled.”

Amy is also alleged to have struck the official photographer for Thursday night’s event.

Remember those “this is your brain on drugs” commercials they used to run back in the nineties? The ones with the egg frying in the cast-iron skillet? I imagine Amy’s brain is kinda like that. Only add a couple of shots of the egg being worked over a cheese grater and pounded with a croquet mallet and fed to angry bear by a midget in top hat on a unicycle. Any questions?

Heather Locklear Arrested for DWI

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Now that the sad stuff’s out of the way, on to the other big news of the weekend — actress Heather Locklear was busted for driving while impaired in Santa Barbara on Saturday. You might remember that Heather checked herself into rehab for “anxiety and depression” (re: pill-popping) back in June. TMZ says

A resident reported Heather “driving erratically” as she was pulling out of a parking lot in Santa Barbara. An officer then noticed her car parked on a state highway and blocking a lane. After speaking with Locklear, the officer determined she was under the influence of something and arrested her.

Law enforcement officers tell us alcohol was not involved, however, they are conducting tests to determine if Locklear was under the influence of drugs.

Maybe she was just confused by the misnomer “parkway.” I could see how one, in theory, might think you should park on a parkway. Provided you were the kind of person who also wonders how they get deer to cross at those little yellow signs on the side of the road and why they would make an oil out of babies. I believe the technical term is actually “dumbass.”

Vintage pokies at Loreal Presents 2006:

Paul Newman 1925-2008

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Oscar-nominated actor Paul Newman succumbed to cancer this past Friday at his home in Connecticut. The philanthropist, World War II veteran and devoted family man was 83 years old. The Vice President of Newman’s charity “Newman’s Own” released the following statement after his passing:

Paul Newman’s love was his family and friends, and his heart and soul were dedicated to helping make the world a better place for all.

He quietly devoted himself to [those less fortunate with the creation of] Newman’s Own, donating all the profits and royalties he earned to thousands of charities around the world, a total which now exceeds $250 million.

He was especially committed to the thousands of children with life-threatening conditions served by the Hole in the Wall Camps, which he helped start over 20 years ago. He saw the Camps as places where kids could escape the fear, pain and isolation of their conditions. Through the Camps, well over 135,000 children have had the chance to experience what childhood was meant to be.

In Paul’s words: “I wanted to acknowledge luck; the chance and benevolence of it in my life, and the brutality of it in the lives of others, who might not be allowed the good fortune of a lifetime to correct it.”

Paul took advantage of what life offered him, and while personally reluctant to acknowledge that he was doing anything special, he forever changed the lives of many with his generosity, humor, and humanness. His legacy lives on in the charities he supported and the Hole in the Wall Camps, for which he cared so much.

You don’t find people much better than that right there. The world was a better place for him having been in it. If more celebrities were like him, I’d be out of a job. Rest in peace, Mr. Newman.

S.S. More Jessica Alba Bikini Pictures September 26, 2008

Hey guys, I hope you have a fantastic weekend ahead of you! Abby is returning with your regularly scheduled snark on Monday. I’ll leave you with more pics of Jessica Alba frolicking in white…foamy…stuff. She looks pretty happy about it. Yeeeah!

Quickies: The Mome Raths Outgrabe

Interviewing Paris Hilton must be like interviewing a brain-damaged goldfish. (Bastardly)

Locked in her prison all day long, Katie Holmes makes scrapbooks for friends. What do you want to bet there’s secret messages written in invisible ink in there? (Celebitchy)

If you’re the masochistic type and want some punishment, you could always listen to Britney Spear’s new single. (Ninjadude)

Oh noes! Could Miley Cyrus not be able to “sing” anymore? The travesty! (WIMB)

Robe Lowe makes killing birds funny! Don’t tell PETA, they’re a bunch of spoil sports. (Seriously? OMG!)

Lindsay Lohan has filed a restraining order against her dad. A piece of paper won’t keep him away, Linds, but a nice 9mm will. (The Blemish)

A first look at Tim Burton’s take on Alice in Wonderland. Opiates are optional! (INF Daily)

Jessica Simpson Happy About Gaining Weight

jessica simpson continues to squash herself into the latest role Papa Simpson wants her to play—Chubby County Blonde Girl Next Door. But she’s totally okay with that! A pal told OK! Magazine,

“She’s done depriving herself and missing out on life just to fit into a size 2 jeans,” the friend says. “She doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with the way she looks.”

One of the reasons the singer is feeling more comfortable may have to do with a certain Dallas Cowboys quarterback! Jess’s boyfriend, Tony Romo, reportedly loves her curvier look and has encouraged her to not take life so seriously.

“Whether she’s catching one of Tony’s games, or just hanging out with him, she’ll throw back a couple of beers, eat some pizza and just have fun,” the singer’s friend says. “She is just in a different place than she used to be and her weight gain is a reflection of that.”

Sure, it’s all fine and good to start eating more and being happy with gaining weight until you find yourself at the bottom of an empty well with a cross-dressing murderer making you rub lotion on your skin. You don’t want the hose, do you?

Paris Hilton Portrait made of Porn Collage

Digitial Spy reports,

A collage portrait of Paris Hilton made from porn magazines has gone on show at a New York gallery.

British artist Jonathan Yeo is behind the work, which was purchased by Damien Hirst ahead of last night’s opening.

A similar image of President Bush also forms part of the exhibition, reports The Associated Press.

A gallery spokeswoman said the Hilton portrait is titled “Paris, 2008″ and posters of it will be sold for $20 (£10.80) each.

Yeo is offering the star proceeds from the sale of the posters because she never received any money from the notorious 2004 sex video that starred her and then-boyfriend Rick Salomon, the spokeswoman said.

When trying to capture their subject, an artist is faced with the task of trying to find the medium that will best convey the vision the artist is trying to express. Hell, I couldn’t think of a better way to get at the very essence of what Paris is about: sticky pages from porn mags! The only way it could get any better would be to have a frame made out of unused condoms (because you know she doesn’t bother with those) and the packaging from Valtrex. What do you think Yeo used as glue? You decide.

Paris at her clothing line launch in Milan

Britney Spears Topless for Charity

When I first read about this, my immediate thought was, What, Britney’s going topless so people will throw clothes at her? Or maybe she’s going to feed the hungry with the leftover cheeseburger bits and Bacos stuck in her bellybutton? The truth is a lot more boring, since the picture of her that’s being auctioned off on eBay is actually a painting of a photo of a topless Britney. Way to pull a fast one, Britney! Actually, that painting would look awesome in my living room next to panther floor lamp. I’m off to place my bid! I sure hope they take Monopoly money.

Pam Anderson wants to pose nude again

Pam Anderson clings desperately to her rapidly waning beauty like a turd on a dog’s hindquarters–they’re both yesterday’s tidbits and they’re both full of germs. Now Magazine reports,

Pammy says she’s planning to strip off for Playboy – for the 14th time!

‘I don’t like the number 13,’ she says. ‘I’ve got one more left in me.’

So how does the mother of two keep her enviable figure?

‘I don’t have an exercise routine,’ she says. ‘I run after my kids and I’m outside all the time on the beach. I’m just very active.’

I bet the symptoms from her Hepatitis B help with keeping her thin too, since the symptoms include nausea, lack of appetite, and diarhhea. Will Playboy have a companion article about that, too?

At Vivienne Westwood show in London:

David Blaine’s “Dive of Death” a Disappointment

David Blaine Dive of Death

Disappointing because there wasn’t a death involved–primarily, David Blaine’s. EW.com reports,

While it was slightly delayed due to President Bush’s address on the current financial crisis, ABC’s much-hyped two-hour David Blaine special still proved to be a dud with only 7.7 million viewers, according to overnight ratings.

Who really cares about how long some asshat can hang upside down? When you tell me there’s going to be a “Dive of Death”, you better deliver! Good day, Sir!

Pics of Jamie Lynn Spears Breastfeeding = Child Pornography? September 25, 2008

“A stolen picture of Jamie Lynn Spears breast-feeding her baby has sparked a federal child pornography investigation. Law enforcement sources tell TMZ federal and local authorities are on the hunt for someone peddling 12 pics of Britney Spears, Jamie Lynn, daughter Maddie and baby daddy Casey Aldridge. One of the pictures shows Jamie Lynn breast-feeding Maddie — Jamie Lynn’s left breast is exposed. The pics were taken on Casey’s digital camera. We’re told he took the camera card to his local Wal-Mart in Louisiana for copies. Law enforcement believes someone at the Wal-Mart may have made extra copies, then tried selling them. Because Jamie Lynn is a minor, selling the pics — or buying them — could constitute a violation of federal laws prohibiting child pornography. Peddling pictures of a minor’s breast — even if not taken for sexual purposes — could land the seller and the buyer in federal prison if they are marketed across state lines for the purpose of being lurid. Also, anyone purchasing the pics could be prosecuted for the crime of receiving stolen property.” — TMZ (US)

(Thanks to “Chris Finch” for the link.)

A number of sites have run this story (or non-story, as the case may be), and commenters seem to be particularly outraged at the suggestion that breastfeeding can be pornographic. Here’s one at random: “What kind of perverted weirdy beardy sexualises something so pure and innocent? No wonder breastfeeding rates are so abysmally low.” There are two answers to that. First, a lot of “weird beardy” perverts get off at the sight of breastfeeding and pregnant women. Have a look around the internet and you’ll see that it forms a very popular genre of pornography. Second, lots of people lust after feet, but that doesn’t automatically mean that a picture of a woman wearing open-toed sandals is pornographic. The “pornographicalness” of a picture doesn’t come just from what it represents but from the use to which it is put. In practical terms, a photograph only becomes pornography when a viewer experiences the physiological symtpoms of arousal.

In that sense, a photograph of a woman breast-feeding isn’t pornographic in itself. Ms. Spears’ mother could view the picture in a perfectly benign, un-erotic light. But the photograph could become pornographic when it is plastered all over web sites serving the celebrity porn and “nipple slip” market. This doesn’t necessarily mean that the photograph is pornographic. It only means that the photograph is potentially pornographic, and you can’t indict it for that. Any photographic has the potential.

Even more interesting, however, is the question of whether the photograph somehow constitutes child pornography. Ms. Spears is currently seventeen years old. She became pregnant at age 16. State laws typically enable a person to consent to sexual relations at that age, but federal law still defines the individual as a minor — hence the paradox that the father of Ms. Spears’ baby has never been arrested for statutory rape, but a picture of her breast might qualify as kiddie porn. That’s clearly absurd and suggests that the definition of child pornography ought to coincide with the age of consent. If it’s legal to fuck at age sixteen, it ought to be legal to bare a tit to a camera.

Original Article syndicated via RSS from PervScan » Celebrity

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Quickies: To Infinity and Beyond

Britney Spears wigs out again! This might actually be an improvement on her cheap-ass extensions. (Mollygood)

Jennifer Ellison sounds like a likely candidate for the Xenu-juice. (Holy Moly!)

Dita von Teese looks Dita von Delicious! (Bastardly)

Natalie Portman finally gets rid of her scruffy-looking nerfherder. (Ninjadude)

Christina Aguilera-Space Clown of the 24th and Half Century! (MTV Buzzworthy)

Lindsay Lohan’s relapsing into her old way of life. Next stop, penis! (Anything Hollywood)

All the people you don’t know and don’t care about were on Fox Reality Channel’s Reality Awards last night. (WIMB)

Amy Winehouse Vomits on Designer Duds

Amy Winehouse decided to add her own personal style to borrowed designer clothes–she returned them with puke! The Mirror reports,

[Amy Winehouse has] landed herself with a massive £25,000 bill after borrowing posh designer frocks – and returning them with her own unique calling card… splattered with vomit.

Even worse, when the Back To Black singer finally returned the puke-stained outfits, her little deposits had green, furry mould growing on them.

Unsurprisingly, 25-year-old Amy has now been blacklisted by furious fashion PRs and shouldn’t expect any loans or freebies for a while.

Our insider reveals: “Harvey Nichols loaned Amy £25k’s worth of silk and satin dresses.

“Unfortunately, while wearing one of the frocks, she went on an all-night bender.

“She ended up in the loos, where she was violently sick. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.”

Amy would have made a perfect Garbage Pail Kid. Remember those? They were trading cards that had the “grody” version of the Cabbage Patch Kids. There was Nasty Nick, Ray Decay, Adam Bomb, and oh yeah, Up Chuck. It’s like it was meant to be!

Nicole has Fertility Waters to Thank for Pregnancy

Nicole Kidman

Nicole Kidman claims that swimming in a waterhole in Australia was responsible for her unexpected pregnancy. NY Daily News says,

The “Moulin Rouge” star, who gave birth to daughter Sunday Rose last July, claims that she and six other women who swam in Kununurra waters during production of upcoming Baz Luhrmann romance “Australia” later miraculously conceived. “I never thought that I would get pregnant and give birth to a child, but it happened on this movie,” Kidman says in today’s The Australian Women’s Weekly.

“Seven babies were conceived out of this film and only one was a boy,” she gushes. “There is something up there in the Kununurra water because we all went swimming in the waterfalls, so we can call it the fertility waters now.”

I don’t take stock in magical waters. I DO however, believe in the magical powers of Hugh Jackman, Kidman’s costar. Wouldn’t your ovaries get excited at the prospect of being near to Wolverine in his native habitat? I submit to the jury Exhibit A:

Aaand for comparison, Exhibit B:

I think I just felt a shudder go through my fallopian tubes. I dunno, highlighted hair and a waxed chest with a Rico Suave shirt doesn’t do it for me. Case closed!

Kelly Osbourne, Speaker of Truth

Kelly Osbourne’s my new hero. Check this out: NineMSN says,

Big-mouthed Kelly Osbourne couldn’t help firing out a round of verbal abuse towards fellow guests at New York Fashion week, lashing out the ‘fake’ friendship of Victoria Beckham and Jennifer Lopez. “I know it’s not my place to say… but I’ve never seen two people pretend to like each other more in my life. They were holding hands, but it looked like Victoria was holding a s***ty bit of toilet paper,” she confided, not very subtly, to Heat magazine.

BOO-YAH! That had to be the highlight of the show amidst all the air-kissing and pretentious clothing. High five, Kelly!

Kelly Osbourne at the Marc Jacobs Spring 2009 NY State Armory earlier this month:

Miley Cyrus and 20-year old boyfriend get serious

Miley Cyrus is still suffering under the delusion that her 20-year old boyfriend is only interested in good clean fun. OK! Magazine says,

Miley Cyrus is so excited about her new man, underwear model Justin Gaston, that she can’t bear for them to be apart!

“Justin and Miley are constantly texting each other,” a friend of Justin tells OK!. “They text things like, ‘I miss you so much,’ and ‘I can’t wait to see you.’ It’s all very cute and lovey-dovey. Justin also thinks highly of Miley’s opinion — he’s thinking about getting a tattoo and was asking her for ideas.”

One time when I was 15 I went to the fair and there was like this totally cute carnival worker, and I and my friend hung out at his booth amidst the stuffed Tweety Birds and inflatable hammers and flirted with him. He was 23 years old and I was so flattered that he told me I was pretty and I felt so grown-up and cute. I totally convinced myself that he wasn’t after some underage tail and that he was really a nice guy! Then I learned from the toothless hag who sold cotton candy that he was the Carney Slut and worked all the girls. My twee little heart was broken! Here’s hoping that little Miley doesn’t end up pregnant. Actually, I’ve got a bet going on at work that she ends up either pregnant or in rehab by her 18th birthday. I’ve got 3 years to go and things are looking promising!

The two young lovers out and about