PopTard

S.S. Kristen Bell Maximal Magazine Pictures August 29, 2008

Unless you have short-term memory issues (read: smoke a lot of pot), you probably remember these pictures of Kristin Bell in a bikini. Well, here she is again, this time in lingerie in Maximal Magazine, which appears to be the poor Yugoslavian smelter’s version Maxim. Sama sebi škoditi! Only 300 dinars per issue! Come with free pohati and endemic nephropathy screening. Won’t you order today?

Quickies: Closet Case

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Mischa Barton may technically be an albino. (CelebSlam)

Look out, Carrie Underwood — Lindsay Lohan’s after Michael Phelps! (Holy Moly)

Michael Jackson unveiled, creepier and paler than ever before! (MollyGood)

Vida Guerra attempts to out-whore Jodie Marsh. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Elisabeth Shue — NAKED!! (Mr. Skin)

If you thought they were bad before, try Tori Spelling’s tits from this angle! (Websters)

Apparently Vanessa Minillo stopped caring about her roots months ago. (Agent Bedhead)

Kevin Spacey is gay — and here are the pics to prove it. (The Blemish)

Michael Phelps Dating Carrie Underwood?

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Good thing they don’t give out medals for ass-banditry, because fourteen-time Olympic medalist Michael Phelps would have snagged another gold for snatching up a hot piece of Carrie Underwood. The Enquirer says

Michael was over the moon after hearing a rumor that the one-time American Idol thinks he is “cute.” According to celebrity tattles on-site at the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics, the twentysomethings are frequently texting each other and have already begun planning a “quiet first date” near Carrie’s home in Nashville, Tennessee.

The 23-year-old athlete told Carrie, “I’m not so sure you’d want to see me eat! It might not make a great first impression.”

You wanna know what does make a really good impression on a first date? Home video of that time you danced Agamemnon at Jacob’s Pillow. Gets you to third every time. Wait, “third” is still “masturbating alone to your mom’s Cosmopolitan,” right? Yeah, third base, every time. Guaranteed.

In all his Olympic glory, for Laura:

Jessica Simpson is Gassy

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jessica simpson really opened up at her concert at the Avalon Ballroom yesterday and let out a lot of hot air. Hot, stinky air. According to the Niagra Falls Review

This cowgirl seems completely lost and desperate for approval on stage. She’s still living in a reality show, convinced everyone is so fascinated with her personal life, they’d rather hear her talk than sing. Simpson opened up about God, divorce and, um, flatulence. “I do pass gas a lot,” she said. “I guarantee it smells like roses.”

I think Andre 3000 said it best — “I know you like to think your shit don’t staaank, but roses really smell like poo poo.” Words to live by, my friends. Words to live by.

Bitter beer face + Leno chin:

Family Ties — Michael Lohan Style

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Father of the year Michael Lohan has a television special in the works to publicly address all of ex-wife Dina Lohan’s “lies.” Just like the therapists recommend! He told TV Guide

“I’m going to do a one-hour special. Everyone is going to hear everything for themselves. They’re going to hear everything Dina has to say. I have it all on tape — all recorded, time and date-stamped. You will hear it all. I have 101 text messages between Lindsay and I, and I have about 60 tape recordings of Dina.

It might be broken up into parts, but it’s going to be done,” he said. “These lies have to stop. Dina’s a hypocrite and I’m tired of it. I’ve never taken or earned one penny from my daughter. Meanwhile, all the people around her, including her mother, are earning money off of her. They want publicity. They’re there for self-serving reasons.”

As far as I’m concerned, Samantha Ronson doesn’t exist. I’ve met her. She can’t even look in my eye. She knows I know what she’s all about… She’s controlling. Sooner or later, [Lindsay”s] relationship with Samantha will fall apart, and I’m sure Lindsay will come back someday and say, “Daddy, you were right all along” — just like she did with so many other people in her past. I’m not holding out hope. I know she will.”

Well, if that little display doesn’t usher him back into her heart, maybe he could try making a sex tape with Sam or trading Lindsay to OK! Magazine for a couple of magic beans and a donkey.

In a cheerleader’s outfit on the set of Ugly Betty:

David Duchovny is a Sex Addict

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In some seriously disturbing WTF? news, X-Files actor David Duchovny has entered a rehabilitation center for sex addiction. Another case of art imitating life? According to People Magazine

“I have voluntarily entered a facility for the treatment of sex addiction,” the actor says in a statement. “I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family.”

Duchovny, 48, has been married to actress Téa Leoni since 1997. They have two children, daughter Madelaine West, 9, and son Kyd, 6.

Wow. And I thought your mom telling the media that she boned your dad died to death and handed him over to the EMTs buck naked so they could see his boner mortis was embarrassing. Once again, never underestimate the debauchery of Hollywood! There’s always another actor waiting to out-Caligula-fy you just around the corner bathroom stall.

S.S. Jodie Marsh, Empress of Elegance August 28, 2008

We Yanks might not know who Jodie Marsh is, but my fellow Brits will “recognise” her as that skank with the fake tits that managed to make a fucking belt look slutty. Anyway, she showed up at the “Daylight Robbery” premiere yesterday in this classy little number. It’s a sad commentary when a spandex/jersey knit unitard cut to the navel is an improvement on your last outfit. Of course, I use the term “improvement” loosely. It’s an improvement the way being constipated is an improvement on explosive diarrhea, or the way one lazy eye is an improvement on two lazy eyes. That is, negligible and likely to make your asshole chap. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, mates!

Quickies: Get Plastered

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Hilary Duff’s dad sent to jail! (Celebitchy)

Sharon Stone is a giant bitch. (CelebNewsWire)

Miley Cyrus penis candy! (MollyGood)

Katy Perry topless and getting felt up! (HolyMoly)

Katie Holmes ditches the tight-roll for a see-through shirt! Finally, a step in the right direction! (Websters)

How to make Dwight Schrute not funny — take him out of his element and give him a mediocre script. (Pajiba)

Heidi Montag’s new video sucks more ass than Owen Wilson. (Ninja Dude)

Rumer Willis’ chin — now in high-def! (UseMyComputer)

Heidi Montag grabs her melons for the camera. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Julia Roberts in a bikini! (Egotastic)

The Desperate Housewives give a whole new meaning to “vaseline on the lens.” (CelebritySmack)

O.J. gets his ass kicked by his own daughter! (Derek Hail)

Michael Lohan Accuses Sam of “Using” Lindsay

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Michael Lohan once again suckled at the media teat to get his name front and center in the tabloids, telling E! Online that Samantha Ronson is dating daughter Lindsay purely to boost her own fame after it was revealed that Sam was planning to write a “tell-all” about her life. The Sun says

Michael said: “I’ve shut up about this long enough. Samantha is using my daughter. People never even knew who Samantha Ronson was until she met Lindsay. She was just some DJ. And now she’s writing a book? Let’s just say I hope Lindsay starts opening her eyes and realizes who the people using her are.”

Michael also accuses Sam of reintroducing Lindsay to booze,… [saying] “Samantha drinks and passes the drinks under the table to Lindsay, and behind the scenes it gets worse and worse. Sam is using my daughter. My daughter isn’t working because she’s always with Sam. Even my ex-wife Dina knows it. She just isn’t doing anything about it.”

Not to be outdone, Samantha posted the following on her official blog:

SHUT THE F*** UP Current mood: bullied

i really don’t want to say anything because i feel like he wins- he, being the man who is so desperate for attention that he goes to the media whenever possible- i know i am being used, i am just a pawn- easy to sacrifice in order to feed his addiction. I was angry when i first read his attack on me, but- for me- i believe that actions speak louder than words… so now i just pity him- i am not standing in his way- i am not the reason that he has no contact with his daughter- he is- his need to throw a tantrum for the whole world to hear is- i am not going to go into a play by play defense- i feel no need to publicly defend my role in lindsay’s life- i’m just sorry that she likes me more than him.

p.s. i’m not the one that is so lost that i need to use my relationship with lindsay to earn a living…. i am, always will and always have been here for her for her- not for anything else….so I think it’s safe to say that there is not now and never will be a tell all….. written by me….. when does your book come out mr. lohan?”

Lindsay’s response to the allegations? She told Access Hollywood last night

“He’s out of control. I want him to stop hurting and talking to the media about the people I love.”

and posted the following on her MySpace account:

DRUG FREE Current mood: betrayed Category: Life

If you have something to say to me, say it to my face- that’s what i have believed my whole life- don’t be a coward and say it to others first, let alone all the media in the world- i think we know where the rest of this blog is going…

If you guessed it had to do with my father- then you guessed right! It really hurts, because i have tried- after all that my mother and siblings have gone through, i really tried to make things work- For the hope of having a father again-wanting things to change- even though people have said, some people will forever remain the same.

Having said that- the people were right, and he is yet to change- but this time, without his daughter by his side- He has become a public embaressment and a bully- To my family, my co-workers, my friends, and a girl that means the world to me (its obvious who that is).

He has no idea what is going on in my life because i have chosen not to involve him in it- His recent attack on my life and my loved ones is simply for an ADDICTION THAT HE HAS- FAME. Why he feels the need to comment on anything in my life that i may want to keep private, is beyond comprehension- If he really cared about me and my life, then he would learn to respect my wishes by staying out of it.

Samantha has not and would never sell me out. Nor has my mother, who is wonderful.

This further proves that any information that my father has about me or the people in my life is internet based- and about as accurate as a page six item. I’m not going to engage any further, though i probably could go on… I have said enough, i have a therapist, and it is not the the camera man at x17.

If you’ve read this far, congratulations. You’re officially a sadist with self-destructive tendencies. I suggest lots of booze and a two hour session in the dungeon with your balls under the spiked heel of Mistress Severina. Flagellating your own genitals and burning your forearms with cigarettes is optional but not required.

Lunching someplace other than the Y with their mothers August 24th:

Kate Moss Nude in Interview Magazine

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Remember that time Kate Moss didn’t show her nipples? Yeah, me neither. Maybe it was just a terrible dream. Just like Night Ranger and “A Gnome Named Gnorm.” Sister Christian, oh the time has come! Just wake me when it’s all over.

NSFW unless you work in a strip club:

Matthew McConaughey’s Dad Had a Big Wiener

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In Matthew McConaughey’s mother’s new autobiography “I Amaze Myself,” Mama McConaughey talks about everything from Matthew’s conception to proudly displaying her dead husband’s schlong after he died during intercourse. At least Matthew McConaughey gets it honest. Us Weekly says

“[My husband] and I often said goodbye by making love,” Kay, 77, says. “But one day, all of a sudden, it just happened. I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. But it was just the best way to go!”

And when her man couldn’t be revived, she made sure he was taken from the house in the buff. “I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gift,” she says.

And I’m sure the EMT’s thanked her profusely for her gift. Old man balls are one of those gifts that keep on giving. Primarily by haunting your memories and showing up in nightmares all shriveled and droopy and covered in wiry gray hairs, like two avocados suspended in the feet of old pantyhose hanging over a shower rod.

Anyway, I’ve come to terms with the fact that my parents at some point had relations. It’s an unfortunate truth that everybody has to face with eventually. But it’s one of those things that should be vague and hazy and devoid of specific details, like that accounting class I took my freshman year. At no point should you be able to give accurate descriptions of your father’s genitals or his penchant for back door/grundle action. That’s the kind of stuff that makes you grow up to be a serial killer or some loon who plays bongos in the buff. See Matthew McConaughey for details.

Jennifer Love Hewitt Still Fat as Ever

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You know those eighteen pounds Jennifer Love Hewitt supposedly lost last month? Well, it looks like she found them again. You know how that old saying goes — if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to your hips and thighs, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it’s probably because you never really lost it in the first place, fatty.

Waddling through Toluca Lake August 23rd:

Quickies: I Touch Myself August 27, 2008

Miley Cyrus’relationship with her dad just went into J Simp territory. (Webster’s)

The Sovereign Nation of Brangelina may be increasing its population…again. (Socialite’s Life)

Maybe in Backwards World people really love Kim Kardashian. (I’m Not Obsessed)

The marriage equivalent of pretending to be talking on your cell phone because nobody is ever going to call you. (Popbytes)

Kelly Osbourne’s face is all busted up. I mean, more than usual. (IDLYITW)

Olympic moments you won’t see on NBC. (Cityrag)

Apparently batshit insane is a genetics thing. (Mollygood)

Here’s a great introduction: My mommy is also my aunt! (Celebitchy)

S.S. Danielle Lloyd Orange Bikini Pictures

Danielle Lloyd was stripped of her 2006 Miss Great Britain title after posing topless in Playboy and an alleged affair with one of the judges. Oh big freaking deal. You can’t try to tell me that almost every girl who goes for one of those “Miss So and So” titles gets there by being beautiful and NOT sharing it like a kid with pinkeye. Some smelly, sour old curmudgeon who wasn’t getting his raisins nibbled on decided to ruin the fun for everyone else. Way to be a boner-kill.

Danielle shares because she cares!

Mary-Kate Olsen Forgets To Put Pants On

Mary-Kate does her best impression of a scarecrow walking around in what looks like Kurt Cobain’s old shirt. Poor little rich girl, she obviously doesn’t get enough food and her synapses aren’t all firing, making her latest outfit yet another epic fail in a long line of failures. Would it really kill her to drop the Schlumpy McDumpy look, do something NEW with her hair, and actually SHOW HER TEETH when she smiles, instead of that pursed smirk she always does? Damn! For being so vanilla, she seriously annoys me.

More of Mary-Kate wishing if she only had a brain

Pete Doherty + Porn = Barf

Eat your breakfast yet? Prepare to get a visit from the Ghost of Breakfast Past. Pete Doherty will be debuting a tell-all biography home video today in an Austrian porn cinema. The Sun reveals,

The BABYSHAMBLES rocker, 29, is believed to discuss old flame KATE MOSS, 34, and addict pal AMY WINEHOUSE, 24, in the home movie, due to be screened in Graz.

A pal said: “Some of it is very revealing.”

Oooh, sexy. This is just about as erotic as a bowl of Jerusalem crickets and not as tasty. I swear I can’t understand what Kate Moss ever saw in this clammy freak of nature. He reminds me of those creepy marionette dolls that are in like every 80’s horror movie ever made. I’m totally making that up, because I won’t watch horror movies that have dolls or clowns in them, but if they did, they’d look just like him.

Can’t sleep, the clowns will eat me!

Paris to Record Duet with Benji Madden

Auditory diarrhea is not just something you can hear in the bathroom stall of your local Denny’s anymore, it’s something that you can experience in full digital, surround-sound glory! That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, you can now experience tympanic esctasy when you listen to Paris Hilton and Benji Madden’s upcoming duet! Not satisfied to just create the colonic blowout that was her first album, Paris Hilton is in plans to enter the studio with main squeeze Benji Madden. The Mirror reports,

The heiress has already been writing about her new album on her official blog, but now she’s confirmed that her other half is to make a cameo on it.

Talking to top Los Angeles-based showbiz website Hollyscoop, Paris said: “Well, actually I have a studio at the house. He [Benji] actually helped me write some of the songs for my new album, and for the BFF show (her new UK reality show for MTV). He’s a really amazing talent, songwriter and singer.”

On asked whether they would duet, Ms Hilton said: “Yes, definitely. When the show comes out.”

One thing is for certain, it’s sure to go down the ~~anals~~ annals of history as one of the best sycopated bowel movement of all time! Can’t you just smell the success?

Bigfoot and Benji out and about

No Glorious MTV VMA Return for Britney Spears

I know you’ll all be super disappointed, but Britney Spears won’t be performing at this year’s VMA’s, so you can put away the barf bags and take your therapist off speed-dial. It’ll be okay. New York Daily News reports,

Britney Spears is expected to make the MTV Video Music Awards - but she won’t be performing.

Her manager, Larry Rudolph, poured cold water Monday on a report that the troubled singer would try to erase memories of her disastrous performance at last year’s awards show by strutting her stuff at the Sept. 7 show.

“She did the promo for them, but there never were any plans for her to appear on the show,” a spokesman for Rudolph said.

The spokesman said it was “wishful thinking” when Britney’s hair colorist told E! News that he might be working on a look for her VMA performance.

I, for one, am devastated that Britney won’t be returning this year. I was really hoping for a show-stopping performance from her, something to top last year. I envision that it would involve an interpretive dance demonstrating the noble elephant’s mating ritual and birthing experience, while a soft rain of Cheeto dust coats her and the entire audience like a sprinkling of pixie dust, symbolizing her triumphant return to the heights of stardom. Trust me on this one, I saw it at the zoo recently and it really spoke to me. Okay fine, there was no Cheeto dust, and I really wasn’t supposed to be there. It was more like me hiding in the feeding trough and throwing peanuts at the happy couple, yelling, “Mate, Brtiney, mate!”. I’m not welcome there anymore.

The pachyderm herself:

S.S. Miley Cyrus Optical Illusion August 26, 2008

For all my seizure-loving fans out there, here’s cyberslut Miley Cyrus shopping in a dress that appears to have been designed by M.C. Escher’s retarded cousin. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I squint or which angle I turn my monitor, I still see Miley Cyrus’ face. Where are the explorations of infinity and impossible objects? The dress gets an epic fail in the school of graphic arts. A+ in the school of epilepsy, but epic fail in the school of graphic arts. Please excuse me while I twitch and try not to bite off my tongue.

Quickies: Uncontrollable Itch

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Alessandra Ambrosio gives birth to a baby girl in Brazil. (Ninja Dude)

Pamela Anderson is morphing into an uglier version of Courtney Love. (Holy Moly)

Denise Richards: It’s Complicated gets Denise Richards: It’s Canceled. (MollyGood)

Oooh! Eva Mendes has a girl crush! (Jezebel)

Does Christina Aguilera have another yeast infection, or is that some kind of sexy dance? (CityRag)

More Hayden “Shabooyah” Panettiere — in a see-through shirt! (Mr. Skin)

Sienna Miller’s sister is hawt. (The Rad Report)

Audrina Partridge in a bikini. (The Grumpiest)

Nobody gives a shit about John Mayer. (Websters)

Kim Kardashian and her big floppy gash will live to see another day. (Celebrity Smack)

Mary J. Blige in a bikini. (CelebSlam)

Even more Hayden Panettiere — this time in a dress your great aunt Edna down in Florida would “simply doi fuh.” (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Denise Richards Might Kill Herself

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The new wifey has gotten a hold of Charlie Sheen’s man butter — and you can bet Denise Richards isn’t going to like it. Rush and Molloy say

Her ex Charlie Sheen is expecting a baby with new wife Brooke Mueller. “They are so happy and excited,” a spy [says]. “They are in love, and this news makes things even better.”

Denise is desperate for Charlie’s spunk, so the idea of it being wasted on some skank’s lesser egg is going to send her spiraling out of control. Screaming, crying, milking Charlie’s prostate at gunpoint in the middle of the night — the works. Full mental breakdown. Personally, I can’t imagine getting that worked up over some guy’s ejaculate. Unless said ejaculate ended up in my eye and ruined a perfectly good pair of contacts. Then you can goddamn bet that you’re paying the optometrist’s bill. Hey, it’s not like I go around menstruating in your eyes or anything there, William Tell. Next time work on your aim.

On the set of her new Bollywood movie:

Demi Lovato Falls Down

Demi Lovato is new Disney puke (along with BFF Selena Gomez) that’s being preened as a replacement for Miley Cyrus when the inevitable cocaine/sex tape surfaces. Demi is finally making it big, even opening for the Jonas Brothers Sunday night, her youthful exuberance evident as she skips and dashes and wipes the fuck out on the stage. Nine MSN says

It’s every pop star’s worst fear: falling over in the middle of a concert in front of thousands of screaming fans. The nightmare became a reality for Disney starlet Demi Lovato, who went head over heels (and not in a good way) while performing at a concert with the Jonas Brothers on Sunday night.

The 16-year-old singer rushes out on stage to greet a massive crowd and falls so hard she needs the help of two stagehands to help her up. Embarrassing!

Sorry, but that’s funny. The only way it could be any funnier is if she somehow wound up head first in a drum set being played by a Mexican in a bee costume who made that “whah whah whah” noise, shrugged his shoulders and said directly into the camera, “Ay yai yai, no me gusta!” And then the camera could zoom back and forth really fast on a busty woman in a rhinestone bra doing the shimmy. Ah, Univision. You never disappoint!

FF to the 26 mark

Hayden Panettiere Gets Medieval Bikini on Your Ass

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It’s hard to know what to hate more about Heroes actress Hayden Panettiere here — the “Shabooya! hat,” the “rockstar” necklace, or the chain mail bikini. The only way that outfit would ever work is if she were a rapping stripper who journeyed back in time to the Middle Ages, and even that doesn’t excuse the hat. Maybe if you were a rapping stripper who suffered extensive brain damage at the hands of an out-of-control oxcart and syphilis. Toss in a midget and Martin Lawrence and you got yourself bonafide Wayans Brothers comedy gold! Rated PG-13 for drug use, sexual references, language, and brief nudity.

Kirsten Dunst Has a New Boyfriend

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The always radiant Kirsten Dunst was spotted sucking face with Drew Barrymore’s ex-boyfriend Justin Long over the weekend. According to Rush and Molloy

The “Mac guy” was snogging Dunst in L.A. at Sunset Junction. The duo “were making out hard-core while waiting in line for margaritas,” says our spy. “They were holding hands and were all over each other.”

Yep, she might be pushing 30, but Kirsten Dunst’s still got it. “It” of course being “the kind of ugly than could peel the stink off a monkey.” That Justin Long is one lucky fella!

At the International Shortfest in Palm Springs on Saturday:

S.S. Ali Larter Bikini Pictures August 25, 2008

Summer’s almost over, and the summer supererogative will soon mercifully come to end. I can’t tell you how much fun it is drumming up something snarky to say about generic blond actresses that appear to all have been cloned from the same generic blond host and their toned-to-perfection bikini bodies and porcelain Hollywood smiles. It’s like trying to make fun of the number 7. Your average person would say it couldn’t be done. But as you well know, I’m not your average person. Those standardized test they made me take in elementary school actually proved I was “special.” Suck it, Ali Larter!

Ali with her boyfriend on the beach: