PopTard

S.S. Raising the Bar Rafaeli July 31, 2008

Leonardo DiCaprio might be 5′8″ on a good day and lack the ability to grow facial hair or pubes and have a higher pitched voice than my eight year-old niece, but make no mistake: he’s porking Bar Rafaeli, and I’m not. Also, both he and his girlfriend share names with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. My name, on the other hand, rhymes with “scabby” and “flabby.” I think it’s pretty obvious who wins here.

Quickies: Sticks and Stones

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Now you see why Samantha Ronson always wears a hat. Yikes. (Mollygood)

Fergie to play a prostitute in Nine! Gee, that ought to be a real stretch. (Hollywood Rag)

Can you guess how many people went dumpster diving in Whoopi Goldberg’s snatch? Hint: it’s double digits! (Celebitchy)

The straight shit from straight inside Comic-Con. (Pajiba)

Either Nick Lachey beat her while they were married, or jessica simpson was abused by a “family member” (re: Daddy). (Bricks and Stones)

Bill Bellichick has a sex tape. Yeah. (Websters)

Hold on to your panties — Johnny Depp to play The Riddler in the next Batman movie!! (Holy Moly)

Kirsten Dusnt is boning the Mac guy. (Ninja Dude)

Mischa Barton in a bikini. (The Grumpiest)

Ryan Seacrest survives shark attack! (Pretty Boring)

Check out the guns on Benjamin Bratt! (Jezebel)

Meet Princess Chunk! And no, I’m not talking about Kelly Clarkson. (Best Week Ever)

Tom Cruise Sued, Kicks Mother Out

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All is not well in Tom Cruise-ville.

First, former member Peter Letterese filed suit against the Church of Scientology in Florida earlier this month, calling the church a “crime syndicate” and fingering Tom Cruise for his “foreign and domestic lobbying” on behalf of the religion. According to Rush and Molloy

He singles out Cruise, saying that Scientology head David Miscavage is “aided and abetted by the actions of Tom Cruise, his right-hand man for foreign and domestic promotion, as well as for foreign and domestic lobbying. He has assisted the syndicate in acquiring funds and [made] his own donations of money believed to be in the multiple tens of millions of dollars.”

Letterese calls the church a “crime syndicate” and wants it broken up under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization law, just as the feds have broken up Mafia families.

On top of all that, wife Katie Holmes has finally put her foot down and demanded that he kick his mother, his sister, and his sister’s two sons out of their home. In Touch Weekly says

When Katie and Tom recently moved into a $35 million home in Beverly Hills, Katie put her foot down and insisted that everyone — other than Suri and Tom’s two children with Nicole Kidman, Isabella, 15, and Connor, 13 — find another place to live. “It’s about time for Tom and Katie to live alone,” another pal adds. “They never have before.”

With Momsy finally out of the house, Tom won’t have any excuses for not doing the whole penis-in-vagina thing. Before, he could blame his avoidance on the threat of Grandma Cruise popping in to have her eye ointment applied or her bottom wiped. Now it’s just him, Katie, and a wiener with nowhere to go.

~~Katie~~ ~~Tom~~ Katie out and about July 24th:

Ali Lohan Meets with Porn Director

In an attempt to get Ali Lohan’s movie career rolling, mother Dina sent her 14-year-old daughter to a meet-and-greet with a porn producer. According to MSNBC

In [last Sunday”s] episode [of “Living Lohan,”] Ali appears at a casting call for a role in the upcoming horror flick “Troll.” One of the men [she interviewed with while she was there] was Peter Davy — the man-behind-the-cam on “Breast Wishes 14,” “Texas Crude” and “Bun Sisters 12” — a fact that publicity-loving momager Dina was supposedly unaware of until TMZ broke the news.

Mama Lohan [is reportedly] steaming mad and “ready to roll heads,” about the mix-up.

There are certain types of hairless rats kill their young immediately after birth. Of course, they kill because of the same genetic anomaly that makes them hairless also makes them unable to lactate. Dina Lohan doesn’t have any excuse.

Ali in ~~Barely Legal~~ Teen Vogue:

Britney’s Boinking the Help

The mystery man seen frolicking with Britney Spears in Cabo earlier this week has finally been identified — his name is Lee, a former Israeli soldier turned Britney Spears bodyguard. (For those of you keeping track, that would be the fourth time Britney has taken to porking a member of her entourage). A source [told] The Sun

“Britney and Lee hit it off immediately. He is her perfect type. She loves guys who work out and he is in great shape from his days serving in the Israeli Army. He also has a few tattoos, which she loves. They’ve spent so much time together that one thing led to another and their relationship became physical. They are in Mexico together. They’ve been having a great time — Lee’s put a smile on her face.”

Of course, cigarettes and Burrito Supremes also put a smile on her face, but you can’t have sex with either of those things. Not without a whole lot of mess and burning when you pee. This guy seems like the next best choice.

Ultra-crappy pictures of Brit horseback riding in Cabo:

New John McCain Ad Features Britney and Paris

Paris Hilton and Britney Spears both have blink-and-you’ll-miss-them cameos in a new John McCain ad that calls Barack Obama’s “celebrity” status into question. And how do the starlets feel about being politically aligned without their consent? MSNBC reports

While Hilton is “happy to feel relevant,” Spears is said to be “unfazed” by the inclusion.

“She visits gossip sites on the Internet,” says a source close to Spears. “She’s not exactly glued to campaign news. She’s unfazed by this. If not for Googling her own name she probably wouldn’t have noticed.”

When she finally caught the ad in between episodes of “Access Hollywood” and “Entertainment Tonight,” she reportedly exclaimed, “Hey! There’s that old guy from mah Pepsi commercial! He ain’t dead yet?” Then she went back to stuffing Fritos in her mouth, adding, “Man, fuck Pepsi. They ain’t returned mah phone calls in five years. Huccome that old guy is still gettin’ work? Ah’m sexier than him! It’s Britney, bitch!” before popping off of a couple of violent corn-chip-crumb-launching pelvic thrusts in the face of her terrified three year-old.

Paris at Pure Nightclub in Vegas earlier this week:

S.S. Paulina Rubio Bikini Pictures July 30, 2008

I’ve often wondered, “When is the appropriate time to wear a fur stole?” A real fur stole — one with the face still attached and taxidermied eyes — not some of that fake rabbit shit they sell at Kohl’s. Is it at a polo match in Monte Carlo? Dinner and drinks at the top of the Empire State building? In your secret lair, over a cocktail and the blueprints for a machine that will destroy the world? In a word, no. As demonstrated by singer Paulina Rubio, the correct answer is “on the beach in a bikini.” Technically the dog she’s holding is still alive, but you still get a pretty good idea of how it will look. All she’s lacking is the monacle and gilded cane and the pocket watch sewn into her triangle top and the ensemble is complete!

Quickies: Sunny Day

Kendra Wilkinson flashes her ass on the golf course. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

California earthquake live on Judge Judy! (Ninja Dude)

Lego sushi, anyone? (Robotzilla)

Justin Timberlake claims he’s responsible for “Wine ‘Em, Dine ‘Em, 69 ‘Em.” As if! (MollyGood)

The only way Richard Simmons could look any gayer is if he were plastered with red feathers and doing jazz hands. Oh, wait… (Websters)

Come revel with me in mediocrity and societal dumbnes like swine in filth! (Pajiba)

Paula Abdul has a breakdown outside her gynecologist’s office. (CelebSlam)

Keira Knightley says “no” to computer-enhanced boobage! (The Blemish)

Demi Moore in all her topless glory. (CityRag)

Godfather vs. Dark Knight: fanboy edition. (Agent Bedhead)

David Beckham + Elmo = totally cute. (popbytes)

Mitch Winehouse hot on the trail of the mystery person who “spiked” Amy Winehouse’s drink. (Holy Moly)

Britney Spends $22K a Month to Look This Good

If you’re wondering how much it costs to look as good as Britney Spears, hang on to your checkbook. According to The Daily Mail

The star signed up to a $22,000-a-month diet and exercise regime, [including] $10,000-a-month on a nutritionist and diet supplements,$8,000 on a personal trainer and $4,000 on a private dance choreographer.

Of course, she could have just laid off the Taco Bell and Venti Frappucinos and got her fat ass to the gym once in a while, but that would have ultimately saved her money. And God knows that’s not the Hollywood way! It’s not celebrity finances unless you’re wiping your ass with Gunar the Belgian yoga instructor’s bill and $10,000 worth of genetically-engineered organically grown bean sprouts flown in first class from Bangladesh.

In Cabo with a mystery ~~douche~~ man:

JLo Attempts Oscar Gold with Latest Movie

Jennifer Lopez isn’t content to be known as “just another actress” — Jenny from the Block wants to score a little Academy gold, and it looks like she’s finally found the perfect vehicle to achieve her dreams. MSNBC says

Lopez has now signed on for a new film. Variety reports she’ll star in “The Governess”, the story of a thief who must pose as a nanny to three unruly children and a wealthy widower in order to pull off a heist. She later faces a tough decision when she falls in love with the single father.

She beat out some stiff competition to secure that role, too. I heard the orangutan from “Dustin Checks In” and Waitress #3 from “Weekend at Bernie’s II” both got call-backs for the part.

JLo’s 39th birthday in NY July 24th:

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong Have Split

The three-month romance between cyclist Lance Armstrong and actress Kate Hudson is already over. According to Page Six

Sources said they tried to make it work, but the constant bickering and their travel schedules drove them apart. Hudson made a last-ditch effort last week, traveling to see her beau in Ohio, but “they both decided it wasn’t feasible,” a friend said.The couple had a big blowout a week ago and Armstrong stormed off - “They didn’t talk for like five days.”

This doesn’t really come as a surprise. We all know who her real soul mate is. Like a moth to a flame or a Spears to a ranch dressing hose or a dog to its own vomit, Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson are innately drawn together by the cosmic force known as “destiny.” Not to be confused with that stripper from Scores that gave Owen the VD. That was Destinee with two e’s.

Playing tennis at Pacific Palisades earlier this month:

Shia LaBeouf Not To Blame For Accident

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Although Shia LaBeouf was drunk the night of his accident, he was ultimately not responsible for the crash. TMZ says

Detectives have determined that the other driver in Shia’s bust-up Sunday morning ran a red light, and that person is responsible for the crash, not LaBeouf. “He was not at fault,” says L.A. Sheriff’s spokesman.

The spokesman went on to say, “He is also not at fault for ‘Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.’ That unfortunate incident was all George Lucas’ doing. We plan to look the other way on acts of vigilante justice. It falls under the umbrella of ‘civic duty.’”

S.S. Shauna Sand Bikini Pictures July 29, 2008

I assumed these were old promo stills from Jenna Jameson’s “Zombie Strippers.” Turns out it’s actually former Playmate Shauna Sand in Miami, and she looks that way on purpose. I’d still clobber it in the head with a machete if it came too close. If there’s one thing I learned from a childhood spent playing “Castlevania,” it’s that zombies give no quarter! And also that the holy water is the best sub-weapon to defeat the Grim Reaper. I’m sure that’s gonna come in handy sometime.

Quickies: Chin Up

Finally, a celebrity face to go with the term “kookoo bananas.” (Holy Moly!)

Joanna Krupa has a serious set of, uh… smarts on her. (Fatback)

Heidi Montag attempts to seize the World’s Most Disproportionate Chin award from Ashlee Simpson. (Websters)

Shia admits he has a drinking problem in Details magazine — a month before his accident. (MollyGood)

Marissa Miller has devil eyes. (Derek Hail)

Blake Lively nipple slip! (CelebNewsWire)

In case there wasn’t enough Jennifer Walcott in your day… (COED Magazine)

Kristin Kreuk chops off all her hair! (Seriously? OMG)

Finally, a bigger loser than you! (The Rad Report)

So Lindsay wasn’t hit by a motor bike after all? (Celebrity Warship)

Apollo 14 astronaut Dr. Edgar Mitchell says aliens DO exist! (Robotzilla)

I can think of two good reasons to look a pictures of Kelly Brook. (UseMyComputer)

Kimberly Stewart Likes Sienna Miller’s Leftovers

Kimberly Stewart seems to have acquired a taste for Sienna Miller’s old orifice pluggers — first Jude Law, and now Rhys Ifans. According to The Sun

The socialite spent last night cheering up Rhys Ifans, who was recently left broken hearted when Sienna dumped him for Balthazar Getty. They were careful to be pictured leaving top night spot Bungalow 8 separately, but sources say they were inseparable inside.

My mother once gave me a word of advice that I think applies here. She said, “Don’t ever eat where Sienna Miller shat.” Also, “You’d be better off stubbing out a cigar in your vagina.” Remember, burns will heal, but herpes is forever!

Miley Cyrus Shows Her Ass — Literally

Miley Cyrus believes the time has come to pull the plug on her hit Disney show “Hannah Montana.” According to OK! Magazine

“We’re thinking this is our last season,” Cyrus said.

In response to rumors that she’s trying to distance herself from her Disney family, Cyrus says, “I’m still with my family. They always feel like home, and that’s what I love about the company. They are family.”

In case you’re wondering, that up there is the stance you take when you want to wave good-bye to your career with Disney. It also happens to be the same stance you take when you want to wave hello to a career in B-movies and soft core porn. The world is your oyster, Miley!

Hayden Panettiere Does Birthday Strip Tease

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Hayden Panettiere performed a striptease earlier this month for boyfriend Milo Ventimiglia’s 31st birthday, ripping off a Velcro-lined version of her cheerleader outfit to prance around in red lingerie. Also on hand to enjoy the show? Everyone who happened to be on the Heroes set that day. Happy birthday, Milo! A source told Digital Spy

“Hayden asked the wardrobe girls to make her a Velcro-lined version of the outfit she wears on the show. As she sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to Milo in front of cast and crew during lunch she ripped off the costume to show off her sexy red lingerie [sic] in a bump-and-grind striptease. Milo’s face went bright red.”

If there’s one thing boys like for their birthdays, it’s their girlfriends showing tits and ass to the people he works with. Believe me, they eat that shit up. Even better if you start grabbing singles with your ass cheeks and smashing the guys from accounting’s faces between your boobies. Now, for a special occasion like an anniversary or Christmas, you should skip the T & A show altogether and get right to blowing his boss. Make sure you’ve wrapped his boss’ balls in tissue paper and tied one of those curly ribbons around it so that when he’s teabagging you in the break room, your boyfriend can see his special gift on full display. Remember, any good gift is one part deep-throat, two parts ~~penetration~~ presentation!

Fully clothed at the Universal 2008 Press Tour All-Star party last week:

Amy Winehouse Hospitalized Again

Singer Amy Winehouse is back home this morning after being rushed to the emergency room last night with an “allergic reaction to medica–” aw, fuck it, she overdosed again, okay? Geez. The Daily Mail reports

Paramedics were called by father Mitch after Amy reportedly suffered an episode of ‘fitting’. The singer was wheeled out of her north London home just after 8:40 pm by paramedics as [her] father watched [on].

Her spokesman said in a statement: ‘Amy Winehouse suffered a reaction to medication at home this evening and was taken to hospital. Doctors have advised that she will be kept under observation overnight and is likely to be released tomorrow.’

I don’t know why Amy Winehouse’s doctors would even bother with a diagnosis anymore. They could just draw a big frowny face on her chart with X’s for eyes and a tongue sticking out and call it a day. Maybe pencil in a couple of flies and stink lines around the head for credibility and bellow “DEAD MAN WALKIN’!” every time they opened it. Or they could just swap it out for a blank autopsy report. We’re splitting hairs at this point, really.

S.S. 16 Year Old Scarlett Johansson Pictures July 28, 2008

Scarlett Johansson is only moderately pretty. Scarlett Johansson is a lousy actress. Scarlett Johansson has a total pig nose. So how is it that she came to be known as a Hollywood sex symbol, despite all these obvious flaws? Easy. It’s that inexplicable something — that certain “je ne sais quoi” — that only Scarlett possesses. “Je ne sais quoi” from the French meaning “ginormous boobies bouncy bouncy bazongas brrrrrreasteses.” I find people take you a lot more seriously when you say that in its native tongue.

16 year old Scartlett in September 2001:

Quickies: Special Sauce

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Brendan Fraser works his hair plugs for all they’re worth. (Agent Bedhead)

Rebecca Romijn is pregnant with twins! (Celebitchy)

Miley Cyrus says she’s “super sorry” for mocking fellow Disney star Selena Gomez. (MollyGood)

Britney Spears to make a splash with sado-masochistic porn. Career gold! (Websters)

Kim Kardashian lets her big fake tits hang out at McDonald’s Big Mac party. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

The many terrifying faces of Amy Winehouse. (CelebSlam)

Britney Spears photographed canoodling with a new man in Cabo! (CelebSmack)

Amy Winehouse’s friends are even more hideous than she is, if that’s possible. (Holy Moly)

Just how bad is Will Ferrell’s new movie? Brace yourself. (Pajiba)

Cleavage-off: Carmen Electra vs. Kim Kardashian. (Bricks and Stones)

David Beckham caught texting Dita von Teese! (Hollywood Rag)

Mischa Barton gets axed by her talent agency. (Ninja Dude)

Amy Winehouse Attacks a Gate

Amy Winehouse spent her Saturday night partying in Camden, and by “partying” I of course mean “punching windows and bare-knuckling security gates.” Sounds fun, doesn’t it? According to The Daily Mail

Amy started running with a mystery pal to live music bar Stables. Before she got to the club she slumped down outside a shop, then jumped up to slam her fist into the shop’s metal security blind. She arrived home in a distraught, tearful state with red marks on her face. Her hands were filthy and one of her fingers was blackened from punching the grill.

Who could blame her? We all know how much smack security gates talk. It’s all, “Who you lookin’ at, bitch?” this and “That’s right — keep walkin’” that. I just try to avoid them now. And don’t even get me started on ATMs or newspaper stands. They might try to tell me I’m a “paranoid schizophrenic” with “delusions” and that I “need to take my thorazine,” but they don’t fool me for a minute. I know a trouble-maker when I see one.