Quickies: Splish Splash May 30, 2008
Steven Tyler went to rehab to battle… foot pain. (Websters)
Marc Jacobs continues to humiliate Victoria Beckham without her knowing it. (Rad Report)
America’s Next Top model attempts suicide! (Wizbang Pop)
Lindsay Lohan makes a two-hour visit to the ER with Samantha Ronson. (Seriously? OMG)
Amanda Peet likes doin’ the nasty in a bath tub. (CelebNewsWire)
Nobody watched Lindsay Lohan on “Ugly Betty.” (jossip)
Britney Spears boobs still look like deflated tires. (CelebWarship)
Charlie Sheen is going to marry his knocked-up fiancee tonight. (Celebitchy)
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Angelina Jolie’s Twins Already Born?
Reports are coming out of France that Angelina Jolie has already given birth to the twins. OK! Magazine reports
Entertainment Tonight claims to have confirmed reports of the birth of the Jolie-Pitt twins with a source close to the quickly expanding family. According to the rumors, the Oscar-winner gave birth on Sunday in a Catholic clinic in the Aix-En-Provence region of France.
Of course, these rumors are coming out of France, and France has been known to be wrong before. Like when they started Viet Nam War and invented pantalettes.
Pregnant Angie in Cannes earlier this month:
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Dina Lohan Shows Porn to Ali
Viewers were outraged by a scene in the premiere episode of E!’s “Living Lohan” that showed mother Dina watching a sex tape of a Lindsay look-alike in front of her 14-year old daughter Ali, going as far as to suggest Dina was guilty of child abuse. The NY Post says
“Last time I checked, allowing a child to watch porn is against the law,” one viewer commented. Another asked, “Does anyone besides me think it’s weird that Dina showed her daughter [such images]?”
The former Justice Department chief of the child exploitation and obscenity section said, “It’s inappropriate but probably not illegal. If there was a situation where a mother was regularly exposing her child to pornography, it would be a concern for state child welfare agencies.”
I don’t see what’s so weird about it. So a daughter walks in on her mom watching a tape of her sister give some dude a blowjob. Who hasn’t had that happen once or twice in their lives? Where it really gets awkward is when you walk in on your mom and dad making their own porno. Especially once you realize your mom is not only taking it from dad but from Mr. Dinkleberg next door and they’re using your canopy bed for the wide-angle shot. And no matter what they tried to tell me, that NOT the way you’re supposed to play “Monkey in the Middle.” Try that during fourth grade recess and see how far you get.
Lindsay with Ali in New York on Tuesday:
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Clay Aiken To Be A Daddy
Hold on to your buttless chaps, boys and girls — Clay Aiken is going to be a daddy. TMZ says
Multiple sources tell us the mother is Jaymes Foster, a record producer and Clay’s best friend [with whom he lives] when he’s in L.A. 50-year-old Foster, who produced several Aiken CDs, is due in August. Foster was artificially inseminated, but Clay is a lot more than just sperm — we’re told he will have an active role in raising the child.
I never thought I’d see the day when Clay Aiken fathered a child with an actual woman. You know, the whole “penis and vagina” thing. But give the guy a little gay porn and a mason jar, and nature finds a way!
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Moley Russells Wart
R & B singer R. Kelly’s case took a turn for the worse yesterday when his own mole defense was used against him. Kelly’s attorney had argued that since the man in the sex video did not have a mole on his back, that man could not be Kelly. Brilliant defense, except the man in the video did have a mole. D’oh! According to the The Daily Mail
Video forensics expert Grant Fredericks froze several frames of the sex tape where a dark spot was visible on the man’s back. For comparison, Fredericks showed the jury a still photo taken of Kelly’s back after his arrest in 2002, revealing a dark fingernail sized mole. “There is a mark on the man’s back in the exact same position,” Fredericks said, referring to the tape.
Kelly and his attorneys looked grim and dejected during the expert’s testimony, while prosecutors looked pleased, appearing to smile as they sat at their courtroom table.
One Memorex VHS tape — $5.39. Two bottles of Schlitz for a full bladder when urinating on a thirteen-year old girl — $10.50. Attorney’s fees for statutory rape defense — in excess of $100,000. Your primary defense argument back-firing and proving the prosecution’s case — priceless. There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s maximum security prison.
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Quickies: Cream of the Crop May 29, 2008
Agent Scully in nothin’ but a mysterious towel… (Popoholic)
Who knew singer Sarah McLachlan had such an interesting belly button? (CelebSlam)
Paula Abdul thinks she’s better than Madonna. (Gabsmash)
“Sex and the City” drinking game! Now you have to see the movie. (MollyGood)
I’d let Batman give me a milk mustache any day of the week. Thanks, dairy industry! (popbytes)
Hillary Swank or Janet Reno? Only her stylist knows for sure. (pretty boring)
Heidi Klum shows how she can take three in the kisser at once. (BestWeekEver)
Brad and Angelina wipe their asses with $70 mil. (About: Celebrity Gossip)
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Bill Murray’s Wife Sues For Divorce
Bill Murray’s wife of ten years is suing for divorce on the grounds of his drug addiction, physical abuse, adultery, abandonment and a partridge in a pear tree. People Magazine says
According to Jennifer Murray, the actor’s alcohol, marijuana and sex addictions were among the reasons she felt forced to [separate]. The filing adds that Bill Murray once “hit his wife in the face and then told her she was ‘lucky he didn’t kill her.’” She has also requested a restraining order against her husband
The Murrays signed a prenuptial agreement in which Bill would pay his wife $7 million in a divorce, but she has asked the court to determine whether the agreement is valid.
When asked if the disturbing allegations made by his wife were just an attempt to solicit a bigger payout in the proceedings, Bill said, “Yeah, I definitely smell a rat. I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think.” Marriage might be fleeting, but “Caddyshack” is forever!
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I’ll Bee Damned
After months of uninterested speculation, newlyweds Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz finally confirmed that she is pregnant with their first child. BO-RING. Significantly less boring? The bee made entirely of Legos that Pete gave Ashlee as a wedding gift. According to Splash News, Pete commissioned Nathan Sawaya to create the insect sculpture because
Because it is romantic of course. In Hindu myth, Kama, the god of love, has a bow… made up of bees. In the ancient Greek world, the bee symbolized the soul. And the Roman god of love is often pictured with bees or being stung.
I made this bee for a boy who wanted to give his girl a special wedding gift. They are a fun couple as evidenced by their Alice in Wonderland themed wedding.
I figured the bee had more to do with his crying. See, in Egyptian mythology, bees grew from the tears of the sun god Ra when they landed on the desert sand. “Pete Wentz” and “tears” go together almost as well as “Pete Wentz” and “vagina,” but unfortunately, there weren’t any references to female genitalia in the ancient mythology of the bee.
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George Clooney Dumps Sarah Larson
Pull out your push-ups, ladies — George Clooney is single again! People Magazine reports
George Clooney and his girlfriend Sarah Larson have split up after a year of dating. Though there was speculation that Clooney would end his longtime bachelorhood, in March the actor shot down rumors of an engagement.
Well, it’s like they say — “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” Especially when there’s a whole dairy farm full of nubile young cows with big fake udders who’ll let you tag team with your best buddy anytime you want. That doesn’t fly in all fifty states, of course, but you’re cool if you stick with Arkansas and West Virginia. That’s why they call those states “The Velvet Underground,” if you know what I mean. Wink, wink.
Check out George’s new fake teeth after the jump
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Gary Dourdan Gets Off
Sorry for the late start today, guys. We had a massive storm during the night that knocked out the power until early this afternoon. Fortunately, I had an entire bottle of Old Grandad around and a Mister Mister cassette in the Walkman, so my morning wasn’t a total waste. When life gives you lemons, get piss-drunk off cheap whiskey, I always say. Feel free to pass that one off as your own.
Anyway, down to business: Gary Dourdan — the black guy on CSI arrested last month for heroin, cocaine, ecstasy and prescription drug possession after he passed out in his car on the wrong side of the road — went to court yesterday to be tried for his offenses. See if you can guess how much jail time you get for possessing four Schedule I and II narcotics and failing to yield at a crosswalk because you’re sleeping in your fucking car. According to the great and impartial state of California, that would be none. TMZ says
Gary Dourdan pleaded guilty to two of the felony possession charges against him and won’t have to serve any jail time. The first charged against him, for having heroin, was dropped. He pleaded guilty to the possession of coke and ecstasy charges.
Dourdan’s lawyer [says] he will enter a treatment program that consists of 30 hours of classes which usually meet once a week. The charges will be dismissed when he completes the program.
I think it’s safe to say that the only way a famous person will serve time in California is if they also have a beard and a turban and a flight plan detailing their plot to bring the Great Satan to its knees.
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Quickies: Tear In My Beer May 28, 2008
Rachel Ray is a terrorist. (Jossip)
The science of doing it! Consider me a doctor professor. (Pajiba)
“Sex and the City” brings a whole new meaning to the term “put out to pasture.” (Websters)
Curl up on a bearskin rug with Miss Coed Grace Park. (Coed Magazine)
Natalie Portman is the most beautiful woman in the world. (Use My Computer)
Miley Cyrus in her underpants on MySpace, take 247. (Fatback)
Listen to jessica simpson’s first country song off her new album! (Celebitchy)
There’s no denying it now — Hilary Duff got a boob job. (CityRag)
R. Kelly’s trial just went in the shitter. (The Blemish)
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‘Lindsay Lohan Is Gay’ Says Dad
Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael is furiously back-pedaling after telling Us Weekly that his daughter’s rumored lesbian relationship with Samantha Ronson was “evident to anyone with half a brain.” He claims his comments were taken out of context, telling the NY Daily News:
“[In regards to the comment], I was talking about what Dina’s show is all about, but they left that part off. I was saying that it’s evident the show is not… about Ali, it’s about Dina.
[As far as Lindsay and Samantha are concerned, I do] not know if the two are having a relationship and [I have] not asked [her] about it. Lindsay’s life choices are up to her.”
Guys, there’s a simple test you can perform to determine whether or not a girl is a gay. You pull down your pants — sexily, of course — then gyrate your hips and begin rocking back and forth to elicit a sort of slapping motion between your testicles and penis. Here’s the test part: A woman who’s gay will kick you in the nuts, probably with a steel-toed workman’s boot or something patchouli-scented. A woman who’s straight will either swoon or point and laugh, possibly both, depending on the size of your wiener. A woman who’s Lindsay Lohan will hurt herself scrambling to get to your penis and remain hypnotized as long as you keep it moving. It’s 100% accurate every time. You just have to be careful where you perform the test. Cops can be real hard-ons sometimes.
The pictures Michael was referencing from that night in Cannes:
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Kate and Lance Have Bathroom Sex
Kate Hudson was caught doing it with Lance Armstrong in the bathroom at a party in Cannes. According to Showbiz Spy
A witness spoke to Hudson in the bathroom at a Dolce & Gabbana event when Armstrong walked out of one of the cubicles. The source said: “I asked her what she was doing. Kate blushed and laughed - and then Lance walked out of a stall topless!”
Just a reminder: every time a person flushes a toilet without a lid, a fine mist of feces or urine (or both, if you’re lucky) sprays out in a ten foot radius from the bowl and coats everything in sight with a nice thick layer of piss and shit. Interesting side note: the average public stall is only 36 inches wide. I’ll give you a minute to do the math here. No, really — take your time. I’ll wait. Pretty sexy, huh? In fact, I’d say the only thing sexier than doing it in a public restroom is maybe doing it in a truck stop shower after Daytona Bike Week. That Kate is one lucky girl.
At the Dolce and Gabanna party on Friday:
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Kirsten Dunst Is Sad
Kirsten Dusnt is opening up about her trip to rehab earlier this year, blaming her little stint in the Cirque Lodge on her sad feelings instead of a problem with booze. E! Online says
[Kirsten said,] “There’s been a lot of misrepresentation about what is going on in my life. I didn’t go to Cirque Lodge for alcohol abuse or drug abuse. I went there for depression.”
While naysayers out there may groan that a young, wealthy Hollywood starlet should have nothing to be depressed about, Dunst says mental illness doesn’t know any such boundaries. “We’re all in the same boat together,” she opines. “Depression is pretty serious and should not be gossiped about.”
With so many Hollywood stars battling mental illness — Winona Ryder, Jim Carrey, Owen Wilson, to name a few — it begs the question “Does acting itself create emotional instability, or are those drawn to acting already dissociative by nature and therefore prone to mental unbalance?” You know, the whole “chicken vs. the egg” debate. Well, there’s one thing we can all agree on: Kirsten Dunst’s face probably passed through a chicken’s birth canal at some point. Science says it’s the only real explanation as to why it looks that way.
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Ray J Kicked Out Of Hotel For PCP
R&B singer Ray J was kicked out of a Washington D.C. Hyatt Regency early Saturday morning for possession of the hallucinogen known as PCP. According to TMZ
Ray J went to his room after partying it up when hotel management got a complaint. Security went up to the room where they allegedly found… a stash of marijuana and the [club drug PCP known as] “Boat.” The singer tried to bribe hotel security so he could stay but they didn’t bite.
When the hell did PCP become a “club drug?” Kids these days. I watched an episode of COPS one time where this guy was high on PCP and it took nearly six cops half an hour to wrestle him to the ground. They tased him like five times and hosed him down with pepper spray and the dude didn’t even flinch. I think they finally had to shoot him in the knee to bring him down. If LSD is the respectable banker uncle at the family reunion, then PCP is the belligerent cousin who shows up with a shotgun down the front of his overalls yelling about communist bears stealing beer out of his trailer again. Yeah, I think I’ll pass.
Ex-toilet Kim Kardashian at a nightclub in The Hamptons on Sunday:
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Quickies: Iron Curtain May 27, 2008
Pete Wentz finally gets the word “douchebag” tattooed on his face, four years too late. (Seriously? OMG)
Britney Spears‘ $10 million comeback. (CelebWarship)
Matthew McConaughey has a brother named Rooster who named his son Miller Lyte. No effing joke. (Websters)
Christian Bale give “Details” details on his batsuit-inspired claustrophobia. (MollyGood)
Shiloh Jolie-Pitt’s future husband turns two! (popbytes)
Michael Lohan confirms that Lindsay Lohan in fact likes the poonanny. (Celebrity Smack)
Speaking of La Lohan, guess who’s marrying her lesbian lover at Dolly Parton’s theme park in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee? I’ve never been so proud to be from the Volunteer State! (CelebNewsWire)
Mario Lopez‘ Russian girlfriend slips a Ruski nip. (Drunken Stepfather)
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Amy Winehouse Wears Diapers
Amy Winehouse flashed her undergarments to the waiting paparazzi as she exited a cab from Pentonville Prison yesterday afternoon. Daily Mail says
After rushing to the north London prison in an attempt to see [incarcerated husband] Blake [Fielder-Civil], Amy was told she couldn’t see him and was seen crying in her taxi. Upon returning to her Camden apartment, upset Amy shoved photographers out of the way as she rushed inside with her kebab dinner.
She was on her way to a possible conjugal with the hubby, which begs the question: what the hell is that? Are those actually underpants? Is it a maximum protection sanitary napkin? Or could it be a thousand angels’ wings fluttering in unison from the from the entrance of gateway to heaven? I’m afraid the world may never know.
More heavenly goodness:
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Britney Spears’ Dad Earns His Ten Grand
Daddy Spears is definitely earning his $10,000 the hard way — from regularly checking Britney’s undercarriage for panties to dutifully trailing along whenever she ventures out of her house. Nine MSN says
The court appointed guardian/doting dad was on the ball at Christina Aguilera’s birthday party this weekend. When he spotted a video camera filming Britney, he quickly whisked away the glasses of alcohol all around her.
The clip of him whisking away the plates of chocolate cake from her was way funnier, but the National Wildlife Service is using that footage as filler in their documentary “When Hippos Attack.” Available July 2008!
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John Mayer Likes Whipped Cream and Feathers
If you aren’t sufficiently sunburned and hungover from your Memorial Day weekend, allow me to make you hurt a different way: I present Jennifer Aniston’s and John Mayer’s sex life, in gruesome detail! Get ready for it to start burning when you pee. A source tells Star Magazine
The singer covers [Jennifer] with whipped cream, which he licks off, tickles her with feathers and uses ice cubes to give her goosebumps. John also likes to keep things interesting with games like role playing. He [is] kinky.”
Kinky my ass. “Kinky” is a zippered gimp mask, a couple of two-by-fours and a trapeze that doubles as a pillory, not Reddi-Whip and the trial-size bottle of warming personal lubricant that came free inside a box of Always with Wings. I liked that kind of erotic adventure better back in ‘86 when it was called “9 1/2 Weeks” and didn’t have a blues-roots-meets-pop sound and a feathered pompadour.
On the set of “Marley and Me” with Owen Wilson:
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Brooke Hogan Saved By Seat Belt In Car Accident
Just after taped jail conversations between Nick Hogan and his mother were made public on Friday, Nick’s “sister” Brooke was involved in a car accident on Sunday. She writes on her MySpace:
“I don’t know if you heard, but my friend and I got into a really bad car accident today ourselves… As I turned on my car I clicked my seatbelt. As we pulled out onto the road, I looked over and realized my friend didn’t have her seatbelt on. I reminded her to put it on and the minute she clicked it, a car crashed into us. It was a horrible car accident, one that most would be severely hurt in, but we had our seatbelts on and they kept us in tight.”
Then her passenger friend added:
~~~Hey this is Brookes friend and passenger, I just wanted to say that Brooke basically saved my life by making me wear my seat belt ….She is such a great friend and a good person! You all should know that! check out what I have to say on my MySpace… I’m on her top friends : La♥La
Well, let it be said that John Graziano’s debilitating head injury and permanent vegetative state were not in vain, because it kept Brooke Hogan and a Teletubby from getting hurt in a car accident. Granted, Brooke and company weren’t pushing Mach 5 into a concrete abutment with a bloodstream full of Bud Light, and Brooke could have probably just grabbed the speeding car by the fender and hurled it over a cliff Hulk-style before it ever touched them, but that’s not the point. The point here is that Brooke Hogan looks like the fucking Iron Monger in a blonde wig. Run fast. Run far.
On the set of her reality show last month:
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Quickies: Walk The Plank May 23, 2008
Hot guy in speedo wipes out on diving board. Comedy gold! (Banda Podre)
Spend all day typing out conspiracy theories with the same fingers you use to prod around in your own asshole, digging for nuggets of wisdom? Then I have the movie for you. (Pajiba)
Michelle Williams laces up and looks magnifique. (Websters)
Nobody wants to look at Petra Nemcova. (CelebSlam)
Jenna Jameson — the new Angelina Jolie! Only with more hep C and vaginoplasty. (Celebitchy)
jessica simpson cheated on Tony Romo! (Allied Is Wired)
Terrence Howard will kill a motherfucker. Especially if he’s trying to bone his teenage daughter. (Jossip)
Ashlee Simpson shows up looking very NON-pregnant in a bikini. (pretty boring)
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Christina Ricci Is The Picture Of Health
Christina Ricci was photographed yesterday looking like she ought to be crouched behind an underground organ in a Paris opera house instead of leaving a Beverly Hills tanning salon. She’s a dead ringer for Lon Chaney’s 1925 Phantom. Luckily, what the original Phantom of the Opera was lacking in purging noises and compulsive exercising, Christina Ricci deftly brings to the table with her size 00 frame!
Unrelated Naomi Campbell crying at her 38th birthday on P. Diddy’s yacht:
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Denise Richards Doesn’t Want Any Tranny-Infested Sperm
Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen are still taking turns humiliating each other via the media. Denise told Page Six this morning:
“Last week, I sent Charlie a text message asking him if he’s going to Family Day [for daughter Sam’s school] and letting him know Sam was sick with a cold. His response was, ‘I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you [bleeping] whore.’”
And regarding that unfortunate sperm-request email that Charlie wants to have analyzed by experts on live TV?
“I don’t want Charlie’s prostitute-tranny-infested sperm. I have two beautiful kids. We’ll leave it at that. I am so over him. He’s the one who can’t move on. He’s disgusting and he’s hit an all-time low.”
You know, there’s the high road, and there’s the low road. And then there’s sewer lines swelling with gallons of human excrement just underneath the low road. See if you can guess exactly where Charlie and Denise are at this point.
Cancerous retard leaving the CW11 morning show yesterday:
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Lindsay Lohan Makes Out With Samantha Ronson
Lindsay Lohan was photographed “necking” with rumored girlfriend Samantha Ronson at P. Diddy’s yacht party in Cannes yesterday. The Sun says
In one shot Lindsay nuzzles the DJ’s neck, while in another they’re holding hands leaving at 5:30 a.m. A fellow guest said: “They looked like proper lovebirds. And they didn’t care who saw them draped over each other.”
Rumours that Lindsay and Samantha were lovers started last year.
In Lindsay’s defense, it’s pretty hard to resist the call of a pork pie hat. Next to heartfelt ballad played on the didgeridoo or a your collection of mint-condition Star Wars action figures, it’s practically the only thing guaranteed to moisten a girl’s panties. Well, maybe a good kick in the bladder, but it’s just not as sexy.
Yielding to the pork pie call in at Dolce & Gabbana in Cannes:
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Oprah Gives Up Meat For 21 Days
Inspired by Kathy Freston’s book “Quantum Wellness,” talk show host Oprah Winfrey has decided to go vegan for 21 days and blog the entire meat-detoxification journey. Us Weekly obtained a few excerpts from her blog, which I’ve taken the liberty of translating for you. Oprah says:
“Wow, wow, wow! I never imagined meatless meals could be so satisfying!
Translation: Unbelievable gas.
I had been focused on what I had to give up — sugar, gluten, alcohol, meat, chicken, fish, eggs, cheese.
Translation: Did I mention the diarrhea?
‘What’s left?’ I thought.
Translation: It sounds like I’m unloading a tommy gun on the toilet. And the burning. Oh, God — the burning.
Apparently a lot.
Translation: My anus literally smokes when I’m finished.
I can honestly say every meal was a surprise and a delight.
Translation: Can still clear a room from fifty paces. Seventy-five if I’ve had sprouts. People are starting to avoid me.
This 21-day cleanse gives me a chance to think about [eating] differently and see what my attachments are to certain kinds of foods – and what I’m willing to do to change.”
Translation: I’m in hell, and my rectum is the devil.
You, too, could join in the meat-detox process like Kathy and Oprah, or you could just stick an lit M-80 in your pooper and give the ol’ colon a run for its money. I’d say they’re equally fun endeavors.
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