Quickies: Midnight Flyer April 30, 2008
JLo’s new reality show won’t star her babies or her husband. Ooh, sounds fascinating! (MollyGood)
Benji Madden writes Paris a love song. I hope it’s called “Herpe Hoedown.” (Celebrity Smack)
See, homophobia, racism, rape, torture, incest just needed a little ganja-fueled hilarity to translate into box-office dollars. The boobs and “Bottomless Party” don’t hurt, either. (Pajiba)
People Magazie names Rumer Willis one of the hundred most beautiful celebrities in the world, and it’s not their April Fool’s edition. (Websters)
David Blaine officially breaks the holding-you-breath-underwater record on Oprah. (The Blemish)
Guess who still really likes lots of expensive hookers? (The Rad Report)
Gwyneth Paltrow, world’s biggest bitch. (CelebSlam)
Ashley Dupre took the train to see Eliot Spitzer because the FAA prohibits restraints and cattle prods. Caligula much, Spitzy? (pretty boring)
How does someone that old, bald and fat keep scoring such quality kitty? Oh, right — he’s on Entourage. (Drunken Stepfather)
Christina Ricci has devil eyes. (Jezebel)
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Amy Smart Is Grounded
There were no electrical accidents on the set of “Crank 2,” because actress Amy Smart’s boobs were properly labeled “Phase A Low Voltage.” Find more safety tips like these in the NFPA’s Electrical Fire Safety manual under the heading “Nipples and You: A Lesson in Conductivity.” Available online at NFPA.org.
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Mariah Carey Is Engaged to Nick Cannon
Mariah Carey has yet to confirm it, but the diamond ring she’s wearing on her left hand definitely came from her new fiance Nick Cannon. According to Page Six
Cannon bought the bauble for $2.5 million at Jacob & Co, [where our] witness overheard Cannon telling Jacob they are set to marry. Carey’s new bling is 17 carats, with a whopping 10-carat center stone, and made of rare pink and purple diamonds.
Nick could have saved himself a few bucks and a little dignity if he’d just tied himself to a sleeping bear, then sounded an airhorn in its face and started poking it with sticks made of angry bees. Same results, only a hell of a lot faster and cheaper.
The She-Bear at the Tribeca premiere of her new movie “Tennessee” April 26th:
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Paula Abdul Messes Up on Live TV
I’m still not entirely convinced that people actually watch “American Idol” anymore, but if you happened to catch it last night, you caught Paula Abdul making a huge gaffe on live TV. Then you probably went back to knitting socks or reading Colossians or updating your FaceBook when you were supposed to be doing your algebra homework. TMZ recaps the evening:
Paula Abdul had a lot to say about the two songs Jason Castro sung on “Idol” Tuesday night — too bad he hadn’t sung them both yet! In rare form, Paula blabbed on about Jason’s two songs, after he had only performed once. Simon, Randy and Ryan all tried to help Paula along … to no avail.
I guess this is why you never see the Battle of the Brains teams pre-gaming it at a pharmacy. Vicodin makes remembering stuff hard. Like why you poured your gimlet into the DVD player and where you left your pants. My parole officer suggests Gingko Biloba and daily crossword puzzles instead.
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Britney Spears Throws In The Towel
Britney Spears was photographed wandering around a hotel gym yesterday barefoot and in nothing but a towel. Let’s hear it for ring worm and athlete’s foot! The Daily Mail says
After her shower in the spa at a Marina del Rey hotel, she wandered out to the gym in just a towel, giving gym-goers an eyeful as she helped herself to some cold water. Thankfully, the Gimme More singer wasn’t having another chaotic episode - she was just relaxing after a grueling workout at the hotel [gym].
Boy, I don’t know about you, but all of the sudden I have this craving for pigs in a blanket. I sure hope I’m not pregnant!
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Quickies: I’m Nationwide April 29, 2008
No, I swear — it’s really not Christina Aguilera’s vagina. It just looks like it. (CityRag)
“Baby Mama’s” Amy Poehler is a baby mama — for real! (CelebNewsWire)
Which is creepier — Hannah Montana in daddy’s lap, or Hulk Hogan oiling his own daughter’s ass? (Websters)
Cher was in love with Tom Cruise. (Holy Moly)
What do Diana Ross and Miley Cyrus have in common? Besides an X chromosome, I mean? (Jossip)
Emmanuelle Chriqui’s got legs. And she knows how to use them. (The Grumpiest)
New “Dark Knight” trailer leaked! (Popoholic)
Gary Dourdan busted for heroin, cocaine and ecstasy after getting fired from CSI. (Celebitchy)
Jenny McCarthy looking all kinds of gorgeous at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner. (UseMyComputer)
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Jimi Hendrix Sex Tape
An unidentified “collector” who allegedly discovered a Jimi Hendrix sex tape in a box of rock memorabilia purchased at auction has sold the rights to the tape to Vivid Entertainment, the largest purveyor of porn in the world. For only $39.95, you can watch a visibly intoxicated black guy who might or might not be Hendrix fumble around with two bushy brunettes. It was the seventies, folks. Bush was big. Black guys not so much, but pubic hair was de riguer. Fact. According to the New York Times
The film shows a naked man who resembles Hendrix, wearing a bandanna in his Afro, having sex with two brunettes in a dimly lighted bedroom. [sic] The man appears to be on drugs or heavily intoxicated. His full face appears on screen for only a few seconds, with his eyes closed. But his hands, bedecked with rings, roam large on the screen at times. The film has no audio.
Two white people busting their asses while some incapacitated black guy just sits on his sounds less like a sex tape and more like affirmative action. If I want to see that, I’ll just masturbate to Penn/Stump vs City of Oakland. Last time I checked, you could still do that for free.
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Scarlett Johansson’s First Single Released
Here’s the first single from Scarlett Johansson’s un-anticipated album, “Anywhere I Lay My Head” — a cover of Tom Waits’ classic “Falling Down.” It sounds like she set the mic on echo effect and did her best Gort from “The Day the Earth Stood Still” impression. It’s great if you’re into staccato machinized bleating. Otherwise, not so much. And if you happen to be a fan of staccato machinized bleating, you should really invest in a Murchland vacuum goat milker. It’s the Rolls-Royce of late 19th century milking machines! Available at Ephraim Buzzleworth’s Feed & Seed and other fine retailers circa 1892.
55 seconds is insufferable enough, but you can watch it in its entirety here.
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Ashley Dupre Sues Joe Francis
Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s overpriced hooker Ashely Dupré filed a law suit against Joe Francis and Girls Gone Wild yesterday seeking $10 million in damages for misuse of her name and image for profit. Apparently “misuse of tits and lesbian shower scenes” holds no legal bearing in court. Joe Francis issued the following statement to Us Weekly:
“It is incomprehensible that Ms. Dupré could claim she did not give her consent to be filmed by Girls Gone Wild, when in fact we have videotape of her giving consent, while showing her identification. She’s seeking $10 Million for topless photos taken in front of a room full of people, including two newspapers and multiple crews we had in the room. These images were taken in public places and contain no sexual contact.”
That’s why Kurt Vonnegut once said “Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.” Also “Quit being such a goddamn slutty whore.” That last one was my mom, but I think it still applies.
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Britney’s Back On TV
I woke up ten minutes ago fairly sure that I had been a victim of a hate crime and amoebic dysentary. Turns out that I just drank a lot of something called “Absinthe” last night. If you’ve never indulged, let me save you the mystery and suggest you down a quart of kerosene and light a match near your anus, then let a friend work you over with a baseball bat. Sounds fun, doesn’t it? Almost as fun as Britney Spears returning to the set of “How I Met Your Mother” yesterday! Really? Well, fuck you. I’m hungover. OK! Magazine says
The episode finds Britney (Abby) and Barney (Neil Patrick Harris) still dating and hoping to use the relationship to anger their mutual nemesis, Ted. Word is Barney will even a pop a question to Abby.
Britney’s episode will air on May 12.
I tried to think of something I cared about less than Britney’s return to sitcomery. The effect of entrepreneurial agriculture on the economy of the Midwest? The mating habits of the boll weevil? Poor people? Then I decided “enough with the thinking” because it was making my head hurt and went back to spray-painting the toilet. You’re welcome.
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Quickies: Hit The Bottle April 28, 2008
Mariah Carey rips into one of her backup singers with a musical threat. (Jezebel)
Why settle for witty Tina Fey when you can have wacky Tina Fey? (Pajiba)
Don’t hassle The Hoff’s or his moob sweat. (MollyGood)
Angie Everhart gets a DUI! Maybe being married to Joe Pesci isn’t as much fun as it looks! (CelebSlam)
Jennifer Tilly still smokin’ hot at 50. (IDLYITW)
Britney debuts her new bikini body… and it looks just like her old one. (Wizbang Pop)
Pamela Anderson’s against breast implants — for dogs. (popbytes)
Elizabeth Hurley out-vamps that infamous Versace safety pin dress. (The Blemish)
Nerd alert! Nerd alert! Paging Elijah Wood. (Websters)
Halle Berry breaks out the post-pregnancy rack in a leopard-print dress. (Bricks and Stones)
Leah Remini’s daughter is still in diapers and on a bottle. Oh, and she’s four. (Allie Is Wired)
Jennifer Love Hewitt gives it to her man doggy-style. (Drunken Stepfather)
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Heather Locklear Is Photogenic
Famed southern writer Eudora Welty once wrote, “A good snapshot stops a moment from running away.” Except for in the case of Heather Locklear, where all it stops is your right hand from going anywhere near your penis.
Heather from a more flattering angle on the set of “Flirting With Forty:”
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Jennifer Aniston And John Mayer Dating?
Jennifer Aniston and singer John Mayer were seen sharing a romantic lunch at Michael’s Genuine Food & Drink in Miami over the weekend. Granted, this has Ashton Kutcher’s Pop Fiction-y stank all over it, but Jen’s just desperate enough to make it believable. According to OK! Magazine
During their 90-minute meal, Jen, ordered the chopped chicken salad while John, 30, enjoyed a Serrano ham sandwich. The… two shared a chocolale and peanut butter layered dessert. Later that evening, the two met up for dinner at Casa Tua on South Beach.
Sounds like love is on the menu for these two sexy stars!
All I know is if some guy in coveralls tells you “love is on the menu tonight,” you need to find some Vaseline and whiskey pronto. And also, saying “love is in the air” is way funnier than saying “whoever smelt it dealt it.” Words to live by, my friends! Words to live by.
Jen on the set of “Marley and Me:”
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John Travolta Is A Macho Man
John Travolta unveiled a dashing new mustache for his role as Ryder in the remake of the 1974 classic “The Taking of Pelham 123.” According to the Daily Mail
Joining Travolta in [an] all-star cast will be Oscar-winner Denzel Washington and James Gandolfini [as] the Mayor of New York, struggling to outwit crime boss Travolta, who is holding the city to ransom.
Oh, yeah. That moustache really screams “boss of a group of mobsters.” Only replace the word “boss” with “queen” and the word “mobsters” with “an Indian, a sailor, and a cowboy in buttless chaps.” A stirring biopic chronicling the rise and fall of the disco era. Rated R for language, drug usage, and super-duper overt gayness.
On the set and at Michael Eisner’s Walk of Fame induction:
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Miley Cyrus Topless In Vanity Fair
Miley Cyrus issued a statement apologizing for those suggestive MySpace pictures and for a photo shoot in next month’s Vanity Fair in which she appears to be topless. People Magazine quotes her as saying:
On Vanity Fair:
“I was so honored and thrilled to work with Annie [Leibovitz]. I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed.”
On the MySpace pictures:
“The pictures of me on the Internet were silly, inappropriate shots. I appreciate all the support of my fans, and hope they understand that along the way I am going to make mistakes and I am not perfect. I never intended for any of this to happen and I am truly sorry if I have disappointed anyone.
Most of all, I have let myself down. I will learn from my mistakes and trust my support team. My family and my faith will guide me through my life’s journey.”
The Disney Channel’s spin on it:
“Unfortunately, as the article suggests, a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines.”
And lastly, Vanity Fair’s take on it:
“Miley’s parents and/or minders were on the set all day. Since the photo was taken digitally, they saw it on the shoot and everyone thought it was a beautiful and natural portrait of Miley. The photo suggests that she is [naked], but she is not. She is covered by a sheet, and beneath the sheet she is clothed.”
Originally, she was in a flesh-colored tank top but was asked to remove it.”
And MY take on it:
Jesus H. Christ. If we’re going to start arguing the hypersexualization of little girls, how ’bout we start with those god-awful Bratz dolls that every seven year old in pigtails seems to have? That Vanity Fair photo is no more provocative than a halter top, but this little yo-ho looks like she’s about to offer me a half and half plus Greek if I want to come up three o’clock. Those are awfully big words to have to explain to a second grader. Fortunately, pointing and lewd hand gestures still do the trick in Nepal. Sex sells, sweethearts!
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Quickies: Freaky Friday April 25, 2008
Lee Lee boo-bie! (UseMyComputer)
Burt Reynolds presents: expression-free banality, shitty sunglasses, porn mustaches and a father telling her daughter she’s not allowed to whore herself out anymore. Sounds just like my sophomore year of high school! (Pajiba)
Mischa Barton takes the next logical step in her career — taking her top off. (Jossip)
I guess swallowing semen for a living really hasn’t paid off for Jenna Jameson in the looks department. (CelebFart)
Harrison Ford gets his chest waxed for charity. (Dlisted)
Julianne Moore looks like a much younger Lindsay Lohan! Maybe it’s the exposed nipples. (Fatback)
Tina Fey gets groped by her best friend’s husband. (Websters)
Angelina Jolie finally breaks out of the black. (I’m Not Obsessed)
Christina Ricci raped by an ape! No, not Jeremy Piven. A real, bonafide primate. (Bumpshack)
Mariah Carey somehow convinced New York to light up the Empire State Building pink in her honor. (Celebitchy)
A noticeably NOT pregnant Ashlee Simpson on the cover of Shape magazine. (The Bastardly)
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Carmen Electra Gets Engaged
Carmen Electra set to get married a third time, this time to boyfriend Rob Patterson of Korn. Is that true love I smell? Or did somebody just forget to flush again. According to People Magazine
Patterson, 37, who is the former touring guitarist for Korn, popped the question over the weekend while he and Electra were in Las Vegas to celebrate her 36th birthday. The couple have been dating less than a year.
Mind you, this woman got drilled by Dennis Rodman. More than once. A six foot seven inch black guy. I bet having sex with her now is like stirring a cup of coffee with a spoon. Sure, it’s warm and wet, but you have to really swirl it around to hit all the sides. Congratulations, Korn guy. You really won big.
Vegas Birthday bash:
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Wesley Snipes Gets Three Years For Tax Fraud
A judge sentenced Wesley Snipes to three years in prison for tax evasion yesterday. TMZ reports
Snipes was convicted in February on three misdemeanor charges for not filing his taxes. The government claimed he owed $2.7 mil — but Snipes’ attorneys argued it was just $228,000. No fine was imposed, but the three-year sentence was the max he could have gotten.
Snipes was not forced to surrender immediately. Instead, the judge ruled he could surrender at a later date, closer to his New Jersey home.
A fair sentence, to be sure. Only a year for each of the Blade movies. That’s a cake walk. I would have thrown in the Judas Cradle or the Spanish Donkey just for “Too Wong Foo” alone. Something with a little more bite and 16th century Germanic Europe feel to it. There’s not a single modern-day equivalent evil enough to slake the cinematic sin that was Noxeema Jackson.
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Millionaire Amy Winehouse Questioned By Police
Amy Winehouse sobbed all the way to the London police station today where she is being questioned in conjunction with that head-butting face-punching rampage that happened late Wednesday night. But don’t think a date with the boys in blue curtailed her fun the night before! It’s Amy Winehouse! Don’t let’s be silly. The Daily Mail reports
After a quick session in a local pub, she headed round the corner to the Made In Brasil restaurant, where things started to turn ugly. Amy was apparently asked to leave after she was caught taking drugs in the toilet. She then rounded up her friends and headed to her flat to continue the party. On her way there, she stopped off at a shop to stock up on disposable lighters.
Well, don’t think she can’t afford those Bics, because it was announced yesterday that she had entered the Sunday Times list of Britain’s wealthiest young millionaires with an estimated fortune of 20 million. However, the paper did not specify if that was 20 million dollars American, 20 million British pounds, or 20 million used syringes and scabs scattered around her apartment. But check out that 20 million dollar smile! Four out of five dentists agree that gingivitis is leading cause of tooth decay.
Tears of a clown:
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Tom Cruise Returns to Oprah
Sith Lord Tom Cruise is returning to battle Oprah for the first time since his infamous couch-mounted attacked in 2005. According to Us Weekly
Three years after his memorable couch-jumping episode, Winfrey will interview Cruise from his home in Telluride, Colorado, on May 2. Cruise will [then] appear in her Chicago studio for a second taping on May 5.
The two-part show coincides with the 25th anniversary of Cruise’s famous flick Risky Business. Friends and colleagues will surprise him with taped messages, according to Harpo Productions.
Maverick in “Top Gun,” gone he is. Consumed by Darth Insanitus. Only a fully trained talk show host with the force as her ally can defeat him. Mind what you have learned, Oprah! Save it you can!
The unedited couch-jumping clip after the jump, but this one’s way better
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Quickies: Roll Back April 24, 2008
Britney Spears makes FHM’s Sexiest List. You can now start wiping your ass with it. (MollyGood)
Jackie Chan wired, computerized, and slow-motioned into something resembling ballet. Boo! (Pajiba)
Rumer Willils for Wal-Mart! (Websters)
Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr’s nude modeling pics hit the net! (NinjaDude)
James Franco offers acting lessons online. Lesson one: pretending you’re stoned. (The Rad Report)
Denise Richards gets the grass skirt but skips out on the coconut bra. (CelebSlam)
The bear that wrestled Will Ferrell in Semi-Pro kills his trainer. So, maybe smacking around wild animals is a bad idea? Who knew! (CelebSmack)
The Congo is struck by penis thievery! Just one more reason not to vacation there. Well, that, ebola, and maybe Somalian pirates. (Best Week Ever)
Kim Kardashian without makeup, but this time, with long-lasting camel toe action! (The Grumpiest)
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Amy Winehouse Faces Assault Charges
Amy “Receding Gums” Winehouse is facing up to six months’ jail and a $4,000 fine for allegedly assaulting two men while bar-hopping in Camden. Well, not so much hopping as “staggering” and “stumbling.” London’s The Sun says
The junkie singer, 24… headbutted a Good Samaritan who hailed her a cab outside a bar… [and] punched Moroccan musician Mustapha el Mounmi [in the face] after he refused to give way to her at the pool table. The married singer also [made out with] a mystery fella and [overturned] tables and drinks.
She was later seen smoking drugs in the street and walked into a lamppost.
She’s like some wonderful beehived amalgamation of the Tasmanian devil and Nick Nolte come to life, isn’t she? I sort of imagine her whirling and snarling and flailing everywhere she goes, leaving a trail of broken bottles and overturned tables in her wake. And then a lot of indecipherable blathering that occasionally gives way to a projectile vomit or two, like “Sod off, you bloody bug — BLAAAAARGH!” and then a lot of splattering and bystanders screaming and running for their lives.
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Naomi Campbell Is Bald
Perhaps as a side effect from all the evil, supermodel Naomi Campbell is slowly going bald. The Daily Mail reports
[At] the opening of night of La Fille Du Regiment in New York last night [Naomi’s] hair extensions revealed a wide parting, and what looked like hair loss. The model’s natural hairline appears to have disappeared, with her hair extensions - or weave as it’s more commonly known - starting quite some way back from where the hairline should be.
So there is some credence to the expression “I’m gonna snatch you bald-headed.” I always though Grandmama was making that up. God only knows what “slap the snot outta you,” “be on you like white on rice,” and “beat the livin’ daylights outta you, missy” actually look like.
Before and after:
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Jenifer Lopez’ TLC Reality Show
JLo and husband Marc Anthony have secured the rights to their own reality show on The Learning Channel. Ten bucks says she’ll still find a way to work in a wind machine and video retouching. According to the NY Daily News
The show will “deliver a slice of [Lopez’s] life that audiences have never seen before, as she takes on her career and launches a new fragrance while trying to juggle her new responsibilities as a first-time mom,” [the] TLC President said.
Lopez will finance and produce the show, which is under development and has no launch date yet.
“Reality” show my ass. Reality is not you in four hours in hair and makeup and perma-cooing, immaculately attired babies nestled in the crooks of your arms. Reality is you 36 hours unshowered with baby barf in your hair, staggering around the nursery at three in the morning to find the GD binky that fell out of its mouth without turning on the lights and really waking it up and then almost breaking your ankle on one of those stupid Leap Frog toys that springs to life with an animated version of “Old McDonald” at what appears to be 120 decibels. I’m betting JLo’s new show will showcase as much reality as an episode of “The Hills.”
At Shine A Light at the Ziegfeld Theater last month
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Jada Pinkett Smith Has A Serious Mullet
Jada Pinkett Smith debuts the signature piece from Prince’s and Joe Dirt’s new wig line, the Cock Blocker.TM Available at Rite-Aid and other fine discount retailers near you! Unrequited lesbian yearning sold separately.
UPDATE: Moving it up because a mullet that awesome deserves top billing.
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