Quickies: Primal Urges February 29, 2008
Gwen Stefani in V magazine. And no, V doesn’t stand for “vagina.” (popbytes)
Fergie hates Lindsay Lohan. (Pretty Boring)
Kelly Osbourne and Kate Moss booze it up together. (Seriously? OMG)
In the parlance of our times, I think I just had a Coen-gasm. (Pajiba)
SNL goes blackface to play Barack Obama and everybody gets all huffy. (Jossip)
Mischa Barton boycotts pigment. (CelebSlam)
What would you get if you crossed Hillary Clinton with Amy Winehouse? (Celebrity Smack)
Enjoy a trio of singing virgins! (PopEater)
Karen from The Office manages to avoid a Michael Jackson anal rape but gets bitten by a chimpanzee instead. In a word: lucky. (Websters)
Kate Beckinsdale channels her inner angel at the “Snow Angels” premiere. (I’m Not Obsessed)
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Is That An Oscar I Smell, Or Just Your Upper Lip?
In what’s sure to be the short straw draw for the good folks over at Pajiba, singer-turned-actor Justin Timberlake sports a porn-cheese mustache and a bulging crotch for his role in the upcoming cinematic masterpiece “The Love Guru.” But wait — there’s more! According The Daily Mail
In the comedy, which also stars Mike Meyers and Jessica Alba, Justin plays athlete Jacque Grande who steals the wife of a star hockey player. Meyers plays a love guru called Pitka - an American raised outside of his country by gurus - who returns to the States in order to break into the self-help business.
The Love Guru will open in UK cinemas in July.
If they’d just thrown jessica simpson and Jack Black into the mix, “The Love Guru” could have probably ascended to the throne currently held by “Little Nicky” and “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.” It’s got all the key elements: hairy crotches, close-ups of the hairy crotches, Jessica Alba, and bulging hairy crotches. Did I mention the hairy crotches? Ha, ha! It’s funny because his swimming suit is really small, there’s a big bulge where the wiener is supposed to be, and he has a seventies’ mustache. I call that the “trifecta of comedy.” Years from now, this movie will be shown in lecture halls to aspiring film students murmuring aloud with wonderment. “Note the low-angle shot on the crotch!” the professor will say. “Dig deeper! Pubes, yes, good, good! We’ve barely scratched the surface!” That’s also probably about the time the super computers become self-aware and start harvesting our bodies for power. The future’s a pretty bleak place.
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Dance Like There’s No Station That Will Air You
Don’t expect to see Paula Abdul’s crappy video for “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow” on MTV any time soon. According to MSNBC
Not only is MTV not planning to air the video, but no one even submitted the video [for] consideration in the network’s play rotation [in the first place]. “It makes sense that it wasn’t even submitted,” a source told me. “The only thing worse for a star like Paula to not have her video on TV is to have it actually rejected by MTV. You can’t be rejected if you never formally campaign for it.”
Ah, the old “you can’t dump me because we were never dating” trick. It works like a charm, too, unless you’re six and a half months pregnant and screaming it at your ex-boyfriend over the P.A. at a high school basketball game. That way just earns you a slew of unflattering superlatives and a permanent ban from school functions.
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Angelina Wants Troops To Stay In Iraq
Angelina Jolie wrote an op-ed piece for the Washington Post this week stating her belief that the United States is morally obligated to maintain its presence in war-torn Iraq. Us Weekly obtained an excerpt from the article:
“My visit [to Iraq] left me even more deeply convinced that we not only have a moral obligation to help displaced Iraqi families, but also a serious, long-term, national security interest in ending this crisis. Can the United States afford to gamble that 4 million or more poor and displaced people, in the heart of Middle East, won’t explode in violent desperation, sending the whole region into further disorder?”
I have a tremendous amount of respect for Angelina Jolie. While stupid twats like Lindsay and Paris spend their free time and dollars driving drunk and getting mystic tans, Angelina spends millions on behalf of displaced women and children in third world countries. That said, I’m afraid “exploding into violent desperation” is the only thing the Middle East has been good at for the last thousand years, and no amount of American presence is going to change that. Even the relief packages passed out by the soldiers seem to aggravate when they are meant to help. “I see you have brought us medicines and food. But where are the rusty nails for our pipe bombs? Are we expected to flog the victims of rape with these “penicillins” and “freeze-dried carrots?” Surely there is an automatic weapon here for my child!” You’d be better off covered in honey and picnic baskets inside a Yellowstone cave than trying to talk peace into Middle East.
Angie in Baghdad’s “Green Zone” earlier this month:
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I Hate Mary-Kate Olsen
Sometimes you see things in black and white because the very nature of an absolute truth leaves no room for a middle ground. Other times you see things in black and white because you’re a pretentious idiot in a pair of gigantic bifocal sunglasses. See if you can guess which one Mary-Kate Olsen is.
UPDATE: I’m moving this up so it can stare at you all weekend long.
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Quickies: Double Take February 28, 2008
Hulk Hogan’s banging his 19-year old daughter’s best friend! (MollyGood)
All the reasons you love Megan Fox, but now in high def. (UseMyComputer)
In case you didn’t get enough of her nipples before, be on the lookout for Lindsay Lohan naked in Playboy. (Egotastic)
Mariah Carey’s hideous ugly PVC shoes look like they smell like a stripper’s snatch. (Gabsmash)
Britney Spears coughs up a hundred bucks for a store window mannequin’s wig. (CelebWarShip)
Nicole Kidman swears she wasn’t boozing backstage at the Oscars! (Evil Beet)
Nicole Richie is the latest to pimp out her baby in People magazine. (Celebitchy)
Gary Busey continues his red carpet magic. (Wizbang! Pop)
Lindsay Lohan as Daisy Duke. (CityRag)
Perez Hilton embroiled in a disgustingly fat and colorful sex scandal! (Websters)
Ashlee Simpson is promised to Pete Wentz. Promised to never make him actually put his penis in her vagina, that is! (The Blemish)
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Rihanna Busted Sucking Face With Chris Brown
After months of claiming to be “just friends,” singer Rihanna has finally been busted making out with R&B star Chris Brown. The Daily Mail says
The couple traveled to neighboring Jamaica together on Friday for Rihanna’s performance at the Smile Jamaica Africa Unite Bob Marley on Saturday. They were photographed kissing in a swimming pool at the Hilton Kingston Hotel in the Jamaican capital. A fellow hotel guest said: “They were smooching in the pool. They were playfully making out and he was kissing her on the neck.”
So they were kissing. Big deal. That doesn’t mean anything. Really, if I had a dollar for every dude who groped me in a pool, or in a bar — or on pool table in a bar — I’d be retired by now. What’s important here is that “Smile Jamaica Africa Bob Marley” sounds like something dreamed up by the nice ladies down at “Super Happy So Beautiful Nail” and “Poo Ping’s Yum Yum Palace.”
Me love you long time:
For shits and giggles, vintage Rihanna stinking it up at her high school talent show:
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Tom and Katie Plan JLo Party
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are hosting a $200,000 ‘Welcome to the World’ (their words, not mine) party to celebrate the birth of Jennifer Lopez’s and Marc Anthony’s twins. According to Female First
A source said: “Tom and Katie are thrilled for Jennifer and Marc and have offered to throw a Welcome to the World bash for the twins next month.” The party at Tom and Katie’s Los Angeles home will have a pink and blue theme and guests expected to attend include John Travolta, Eva Longoria Parker and David and Victoria Beckham.
With a price tag of 200 grand, you can expect plenty of super-fun Scientology party games like “Pin the Repressed Memory on the E-Meter,” “How Many Invisible Thetans in This Jar?” and my personal favorite, “Silent Musical Chairs.” It’s sure to be a very un-glib time for everyone involved!
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Jessica Simpson Going to Kuwait
jessica simpson is heading to Kuwait next month to entertain the troops overseas. That’s in Canada, right? She writes on her fan site
“Hey ya’ll. I just wanted to say hi, and let you know that I… am heading to Kuwait to do a show for the troops for Operation MySpace, then back in the studio. I love you all and am so blessed by the support and love you show me everyday!! xoxo jess “
Unless she plans oiling herself up and singing topless while hopping around on a pogo stick, I doubt there’s gonna be a whole lot of “entertaining” going on in Kuwait. In fact, when asked if they knew what “A Public Affair” was, several enlisted men volunteered, “Is that the one where that girl fucks these all those dudes in the middle of Times Square?” and “No, no, you’re thinking of ‘Public Ass-Pounding,’ dude,” then offered to show me six different ways he could crush a beer can without using his hands. Believe me, Marines have all the entertainment they need even without jessica simpson there.
Jessica leaving Katsuya Restaurant in Hollywood last Wednesday:
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Kate Hudson And Owen Wilson Are Back On
Despite being photographed leaving Owen Wilson’s house twice in the last week, actress Kate Hudson claims she likes a man “with balls.” Female First reports
The ‘Almost Famous’ star finds it a turn off when men are intimidated by her actions. The actress told British Elle: “If… a guy has no balls, you’re better off without him anyway!”
When I think “balls,” I think of someone manly, like a fireman or a sailor, bench pressing his own body weight while simultaneously repairing a car and chopping lumber. Not some dandelion-haired fop overdosing on his sad pills. Maybe someone should tell Kate that “balls” and “Owen Wilson” go together like the “Heisenberg uncertainty principle” and “definite position and momentum of a sub-atomic particle.” Oh, yeah — BUURRRN, baby!
Kate leaving Owen’s house on Monday:
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Quickies: Flags Of Our Fathers February 27, 2008
Britney pregnant with the demon seed of the Landing Strip? (Fatback)
Vintage Gisele debasing the American flag in the sexiest of ways. (The Grumpiest)
Ali Lohan wants to be like big sis Lindsay so bad she can “almost taste it.” Talk about your bad aftertaste! (CelebNewsWire)
Rachel Bilson talks panties! (Rad Report)
If he sets Neverland free and it never returns, was it ever Michael Jackson’s to begin with? (Holy Moly!)
If “Singles” and “Reality Bites” had a baby and sacrificed it in a love hexagon… (Pajiba)
Enjoy Harry Potter’s big gay kiss, then email it to your co-workers! (Best Week Ever)
Best actress Marion Cotillard bare naked nude. (IDLYITW)
Who to hate more: Nas for making the album, or Maxim for not actually listening to the whole thing before reviewing it? (Jossip)
And speaking of hate, prepare to loathe Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson like you never thought possible. (Websters)
Tyra Banks and Ashton Kutcher join forces to create a new reality show. (Dlisted)
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Mischa Barton Formally Charged
22-year old actress Mischa Barton was formally charged yesterday for that DUI she got last December. People Magazine says
Mischa Barton has been charged with driving under the influence and possession of marijuana… [and] driving without a valid license. Her arraignment on the misdemeanor charges is set for Thursday in Beverly Hills Superior Court.
Let’s just hope this arrest won’t interfere with her busy career of hawking canvas tennis shoes and affordable teen fashion! It’d be a real shame if she couldn’t continue to collect a paycheck for having been “The O.C.’s” Marissa Cooper. Keds and Aéropostale sure would have their hands full trying to find a replacement spokesmodel from a generic teen drama that aired half a decade ago!1 It’d be kinda like looking for a needle in a haystack. Or in this case, a turd in a septic tank.
1Excluding the cast of “Beverly Hills, 90210,” “Party of Five,” “Buffy The Vampire Slayer,” etc., etc.
Clairols #172 “Trailer Park Blonde” shopping at Urban Outfitters last week:
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Aniston Thinks Clooney Is A Big Fat Meanie
It really got ugly when George Clooney ran into his best friend Brad Pitt’s ex-wife Jennifer Aniston outside Bar Nineteen12 at the Night Before gala in Beverly Hills on Saturday. And by “got ugly” I mean “she sprinted away huffily.” Take that, you silver-haired rake! OK! Magazine says
“George attempted to be friendly, but Jen wasn’t having it,” one eyewitness tells OK!. “After enduring a few minutes of the actor’s presence, Jen turned on her heels and made a beeline for the Sunset Ballroom.” Courtney, naturally joined Jen, leaving… husband David [Arquette] to make awkward small talk with George.
Nothing shows somebody who’s boss like running away from them. Like France in World War II or my birth father when I was four, it’s the only way to truly convey what a sniveling little coward you are. Wetting your pants and screaming for mommy is a close second.
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Diablo Makes Showing Tits For Cash Respectable
Topless-dancer-turned-Hollywood-screenwriter Diablo Cody has inspired strippers nationwide with her big Oscar win Sunday night. According to Page Six
The topless talents at Rick’s Cabaret NY were so excited about Cody being up for Best Screenplay Sunday night, they stopped dancing and stayed glued to the big-screen TVs as the winner was announced. They burst into tears when they heard Cody’s name. “She proves that if you follow your dreams, anything can come true,” said a busty brunette. The girls even made a plaque that reads: “Dedicated to Diablo Cody, who has taken our calling to new levels.”
Then the manager clapped his hands together brusquely with a sharp “Hey, hey — ladies! These men aren’t going to dry-hump themselves for sixty bucks a pop! Stuff your dreams back in your g-strings and let’s see us some titties!” I’m sure it’s just a matter of time ’till they tear down Scores and erect a library in her honor.
P.S. Erect!
The Dr. Florence Sabin of our generation at the 2008 Film Independent’s Spirit Awards Saturday:
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Pam Anderson Files For Divorce. Again.
Pam Anderson has officially filed for divorce from husband number three Rick Salomon. Again. Page Six says
The two were married on October 7, 2007. Pam filed for divorce the first time on November 27, then withdrew the petition. Just two weeks later, the couple separated. [According to] court documents, Pam says she wants the marriage nullified based on fraud.
“Fraud?” Did Rick pass himself off as the preeminent scholar in the field of Medieval Amatory Tradition and Monastic Theology again? A good rule of thumb, ladies, is if he has his high school equivalency and sex tape with Paris Hilton, he’s probably not the early Renaissance academician he claims to be. It’s a tough lesson for any girl to have to learn.
A couple of promos from Pam’s new cinematic masterpiece “Superhero”:
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Quickies: Sunny Side Up February 26, 2008
They’ve found a way to make Rachel Bilson ugly less cute, and it involves “bangs.” (MollyGood)
Speaking of bad hair, Janet Jackson tries out a new wig! (Jezebel)
Homer Simspon says it best: Mmm… Hugh Jackman… rghlrghlrrghaa… (Websters)
Want to see Best Original Screenplay writer Diablo Cody topless? Yeah, me neither. (Drunken Stepfather)
Aaron Carter thinks crack is wack. (Bastardly)
Paris Hilton and Benji Madden are bumpin’ uglies. Literally. (Celebrity Smack)
Jennifer Aniston puts her eggs in the freezer for now. (Pretty Boring)
Is singer Nelly Furtado pregnant? (About: Celebrity Gossip)
Kirstin Dunst emerges from rehab just as ugly as before. (CelebSlam)
Video footage of Lindsay Lohan piss-drunk and eating the pavement. (Ninja Dude)
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Christina Aguilera’s Boobs Are Revolting
Can you figure out what’s wrong with this picture of Christina Aguilera? I’ll give you two guesses. Hint: it rhymes with “moobs.” Still nothing? Look again:
My superior logic tells me these are either implants encased in scar tissue or a pair of hydrocelphalitic twin stowaways on the S.S. Frankentits. Bon voyage, mateys!
The mighty vessel docked at Club Villa on Sunday:
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Pay To Look Like Amy Winehouse!
Look out, fashion world — Amy Winehouse is launching her own clothing and make-up line! For a couple of quid, you, too, can look just as sexy as the girl pictured above. London’s The Sun says
Amy has a meeting scheduled for later this week to discuss the project with fashion and cosmetics experts. A pal revealed yesterday: “There could be hairspray, head scarves, liquid eyeliner. There’s a lot of money to be made. It’s a very distinctive look.”
Well, “syphilitic pirate” and “down-on-his-luck cobbler” are distinctive looks, too, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to appeal to the public at large. And even if they did, why would the public pay to look that way when they could just pass out headlong in a drainage ditch after a night of binge drinking and huffing VCR head cleaner for free? If she really wants to appeal to her target demographic, she she come out with a line of stick-on tattoos and tooth-black and a little something called Junkie SplashTM — now with genuine Amy Winehouse1 urine! Hepatitis and self-loathing sold separately.
1Or hobo
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Brittany Murphy On Demand
Actress Brittany Murphy’s incessant demands are starting to become a problem on the set of her new movie “Across the Hall.” According to Page Six
Murphy has been making outrageous demands while acting “like a diva,” said one insider. “She’s extremely difficult. She’s so hot and cold, you never know.” Murphy insists on having diagonally cut peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with the crusts removed… “every hour. It’s painstaking - her assistant takes about a half an hour making each one.”
I also knew a guy who regularly demanded his sandwiches be cut at 45 degree angles with the crusts removed. A real tyrant, that guy. He also insisted we only watch The Wiggles during prime time and would scream like a banshee if you tried to check the scores between “Farmer Brown” and “Romp Bomp A Stomp.” Needless to say, we sold him to to a band of wandering gypsies for donkey and a bag of magical beans. I don’t know that you could get that much for Brittany Murphy. Maybe if you threw in the donkey.
Brittany as Stevie Nicks leaving the Max Azria after party Feb 4th:
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Jamie Lynn Gets Her GED
As of last month, Jamie Lynn Spears is the proud owner of one bonafide high school equivilancy diploma. A friend of the family tells People Magazine
“She’s already got her diploma. She wants to take her ACT. She’s not wasting any time. Everybody is so supportive of her.”
According to all those commercials that come on between Divorce Court and Springer, Jamie Lynn now has an exciting future ahead of her as a welder, electronic systems technician, medical assistant, paralegal, and many more! And also, if her DUI case involves injury, death, or property damage, she should call DUI Mike at 615-244-5432. Board certified and member of the NCADD for over twenty years!
Jamie house-hunting with her mom last week:
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Quickies: Am I Right Or Am I Right Or Am I Right? February 25, 2008
Saturday Night Live is suddenly relevant again! (Jossip)
Jimmy Kimmel is fucking Ben Affleck. (The Blemish)
Lisa Rinna actually doesn’t look like an out-of-work female impersonator! (UseMyComputer)
Joe Simpson is such a damn dirty skeeze. (Seriously? OMG)
Sean Penn’s new girlfriend is super-hot supermodel Petra Nemcova. (Celebitchy)
Attention Titantic losers: Kate and Leo back together again! (popbytes)
Pregnant Angelina collapses on a flight from Iraq! Dun-dun-dun. (Gabsmash)
The Academy gives the finger to Brad Renfro. (Websters)
Meet the “Groundhog Day” of action flicks. You might want to remove your shoelaces before watching. (Pajiba)
Mariah Carey insists on traipsing around town topless. (CelebNewsWire)
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2008 Oscars Worst Dressed
This has to be a record year for my annual “Worst-Dressed at the Oscars.” This time around there were no Bjorks in swan costumes, no bicycle shorts with trains, no goth nipples or backwards suits. That’s not to say there weren’t some real stinkbombs, ’cause there were. Starting with Best Actor Daniel Day-Lewis in a brown-piped tuxedo and his wife in a be-broached, be-bowed, lace/taffeta/velvet masterpiece. That dress had it all! I bet there’s even a Swiss Army knife built into one of the sleeves. And don’t let’s forget the shoes. Like the rug in The Dude’s living room, those shoes really tied the look together.
Now, for the rest of the night’s fug after the jump
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Oscars Best Dressed
It’s that magical time of year when the weeks of drinking laxative tea and binge exercising until their little black hearts almost give out pays off in spades for Hollywood actresses. It’s called the Academy Awards, and thanks to the timely end of the Writer’s Strike, it went off without a hitch last night. The big winner of the evening was “No Country for Old Men,” taking home the Oscars for Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Adapted Screenplay. There were various other boring awards for movies you’ll never see, but I know you want me to shut the hell up and start talking fashion. This year’s Oscars was all about fabric — the more fabric, the merrier. Plenty of ruching, gathering, organza overlay and fishtails. My favorites of the evening were Penelope Cruz in her custom Chanel gown and Kerri Russell’s vintage floral necklace. But there were plenty of others…
Anne Hathaway’s flowered and draped red Marchesa gown somehow made it despite my first instinct to write it off for excessive use of foliage. I usually detest red lips, too, but she manages to keep hers from looking harsh and Bozo-the-Clownish. Her hair and the rest of her makeup is very simple, which keeps the gratuitous excess of the dress in check. Congratulations, Anne — you defied the odds:
Cameron Diaz wore a pale pink Dior by John Galliano bustier gown. I’m not wild about the dress, but I like the color, and that business at the hips works for her because she’s built like a twelve-year old boy:
Jennifer Garner wore a black silk taffeta Oscar de la Renta fishtail gown. I think Oscar could have eased up on those big fat ruffles at the bottom and Jen’s hair looks like a damn combover, but overall it was a success:
Penelope Cruz had a navy Chanel Haute Couture feathered gown designed specifically for her for the big event. It’s over the top and princessy, I know, but for some reason I love it on her. She kept her jewelery and makeup simple, and like Anne Hathaway, that keeps the dress from looking garish. Kudos:
Nicole Kidman wore classically simple black Balenciaga dress. The main attraction here is obviously the 1,399-carat diamond L’Wren Scott necklace hanging down to her waist. I went back and forth on this one. It kind of looks like she pulled down a chandelier from a late 1900’s whorehouse and draped it around her neck. But then again, I really like her dress. And diamonds are shiny. You see my dilemna here. I’ll leave it up to you:
Hilary Swank has a knack for red carpet glamor. Her one-shouldered Atelier Versace gown isn’t my favorite of the dresses she’s worn, but it’s not bad either. Makeup, hair and accessories are all simple, which makes the flowers on the bodice not as hideously distracting:
Renee Zellweger gives a whole new meaning to the term “alabaster” in her hand-embroidered Carolina Herrera gown. I have to hand it to her — she looks fantastic. And her face is way less ruddy and scabby than usual. Looks like Chappy really dressed to impress last night!:
Keri Russel’s 46-carat-diamond H. Stern necklace paired perfectly with her strapless Nina Ricci organza bustier dress. I loved her look more than any other of the night. That necklace is fantastic. Not so hot? Standing like you’ve got gout:
Laura Linney wore a black strapless fishtail Michael Kors gown with a diamond and blue topaz pendant. Simple, classic, elegant, blah blah blah:
Kristin Chenoweth worked an hour-glass figure in a sheer black Armani Prive dress. Her hair looks like crap, but I love the diamond cuff and her skin is like buttah. Nice rack, too. Hooray for boobies!:
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Angelina Jolie Confirms Pregnancy
Angelina Jolie officially announced her pregnancy on Saturday without actually officially announcing it by showing up to the Independent Spirit Awards in a skin-tight black dress showcasing a visibly pregnant belly. You know, using your clothes to make a statement can be a very effective way to communicate without using words. Like when you had a monster boner in the seventh grade and the teacher made you go to the board to diagram a sentence, for example. Your pants effectively communicated your love for nominative pronouns and objects of the preposition to the entire class. And then our snickering and pointing effectively communicated a sense of delighted contempt for you. Sometimes words only serve to get in the way.
Angie and Brad at the Awards Saturday in Santa Monica:
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Britney Finally Sees The Kids
After nearly two months without seeing her children, Britney Spears was finally reunited with her sons on Saturday. People Magazine reports
After lawyers for Spears and Kevin Federline reached a visitation agreement Friday, the pop star saw her children for the first time since Jan. 3. Sources confirm that Jamie and Britney’s psychiatrist were present for the visit.
The last time they saw mommy she had one of them locked in the bathroom and left tied to a stretcher, so as long as one of them didn’t get eaten by a bear this time around, I can only assume it went a little better. Although I’m sure Sean Preston was disappointed in the lack of emergency vehicles and helicopters at Mommy’s house. That’ll all change once he’s old enough to start setting fires and torturing animals in a desperate plea for his mother’s attention. Nothing brings out the boys in blue and the firetrucks like arson and the first signs of sociopathic behavior. It sure worked like a charm for Charles Manson!
EDITOR’S NOTE: The picture above is not from the three-hour supervised visit on Saturday. You’ll note the lack of a psychiatrist armed with restraints and a syringe full of sedatives in the background.
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