The Clip Show: Say It Ain’t So August 31, 2007
· Owen Wilson attempts the unthinkable. · The Hoboken Beach Diet Bandit terrorizes Paradigm. · 1 out of 1 moms asked love Kid Nation. · Bruce Cutler abandons Phil Spector. · Defamer visits the Derby Dolls. · Miss Teen South Carolina gives what could likely be the worst answer in pageant history. · Jim Carrey sends one from the heart. · K-Fed becomes The CW”s new secret weapon. · 50 Cent becomes Britney”s. · Cavemen drops the pretense. · Andy Dick does Andy Dick. · Big Brother”s Amber goes from Head of Household to head of the free world. · Posh Spice gets a job. · Dessarae Bradford plugs her projects.
[Ed. note: We”ll be off Monday, then back Tuesday, when Mark returns. Another huge thank you to guest editor extraordinaire Heather Cocks of Go Fug Yourself. Have a great long weekend everyone. -Seth]
The Clip Show: A Very Bad Day
· Owen Wilson attempts the unthinkable. · The Hoboken Beach Diet Bandit terrorizes Paradigm. · 1 out of 1 moms asked love Kid Nation. · Bruce Cutler abandons Phil Spector. · Defamer visits the Derby Dolls. · Miss Teen South Carolina gives what could likely be the worst answer in pageant history. · Jim Carrey sends one from the heart. · K-Fed becomes The CW”s new secret weapon. · 50 Cent becomes Britney”s. · Cavemen drops the pretense. · Andy Dick does Andy Dick. · Big Brother”s Amber goes from Head of Household to head of the free world. · Posh Spice gets a job. · Dessarae Bradford plugs her projects.
[Ed. note: We”ll be off Monday, then back Tuesday, when Mark returns. Another huge thank you to guest editor extraordinaire Heather Cocks of Go Fug Yourself. Have a great long weekend everyone. -Seth]
Short Ends: Introducing Paris Simpson
· What happens when a Photoshop contest asks entrants to combine half of one celebrity”s face with half of another”s? You likely never sleep again. · “Club: Andy Dick groped, offended, urinated.” Your point? · You didn”t think we”d let you get away for your long weekend without letting you know what Chad Michael Murray thought about K-Fed, did you? He likes him! · Fine, so maybe Terrence Howard has some strange preoccupation with feminine hygiene and baby wipes. He also saved a Los Angeles magazine reporter from choking to death on a piece of sushi with the Heimlich maneuver. (But then insisted she dispose of the offending Unagi morsel with a hermetically sealed Wet-Nap.) · There”s something bothering us about Hillary Clinton and we just can”t put our fingers on it.
The Rhythm Of The Night: Someone Here Has The Key To The Next Cabbage Patch
We admit that our knowledge of the choreography world is extremely limited–we cite So You Think You Can Dance finalist Danny Tidwell”s ode to a Grecian goddess and the “Thank You For Being a Friend” Dancers as some of our major influences–so we”ll just have to take Defamer videographer Molly McAleer”s word that the attendees of The Carnival “Choreographer”s Ball,” held last night at the Key Club, are some of the biggest figures in the hip-hop dance arena. If you”ve ever wondered where the latest, outrageously named dance crazes are launched, apparently it”s right here at this star-studded showcase, where even K-Fed has been known to make an appearance, showing off his ridiculous Toe Wop, Aunt Jackie, and Chicken Noodle Soup games.
To Do: Your Weekend Of Labor Day
Friday · Music round-up: You, Me and Iowa at Spaceland, Downtown Six at the Viper Room, and the Great Glass Elevator goes nowhere at the Troubadour. · Did you have any idea that it”s BlogDay today? Well it is! What did you get us? · American Cinematheque at the Aero Theatre presents 1970 concert doc Led Zeppelin Live at the Royal Albert Hall. Director Stanley Dorfman will be on hand for a discussion.
Saturday · A 48-hour Think Tank kicks off tonight at Echo Park”s Eighteen-Thirty performance and art space. It”s like a slumber party where artists, progressive thinkers, and educators gather to discuss how “day-to-day life and culture intersect, conflict, and cross-pollinate,” and to do each other”s hair and rate boys. · Brian Jonestown Massacre at the Echoplex, The Minus 5 at Spaceland, and John Digweed is at the Avalon. · Author Diana Serra Cary presents Jackie Coogan, The World”s Boy King: A Biography of Hollywood”s Legendary Child Star, at Skylight Books. Sunday · Summer Strummer 2007 at Bergamot Station in Santa Monica features Deadbolt, Jesse Malin, Eddie Spaghetti, Whitestarr, and more. We”re told it will be a dirty good time. · Did you have any idea that it”s L.A. 226th birthday? Well it is! What did you get it? Perhaps you”d like to join the annual nine-mile “Los Pobladores” walk from the San Gabriel Mission to the El Pueblo Historical Monument to celebrate! Monday · It”s Labor Day! Founded in 1882, Labor Day “originating from a desire by the Central Labor Union to create a day off for the “working man.”"
Baby Bartering: Did Larry Birkhead Swap Dannielynn For $78 And A Tootsie Roll?
OK! magazine”s dramatically unspecific allegations yesterday that Larry Birkhead is not the upstanding, profoundly moral soul we”d expect an Anna Nicole Smith ex to be left us to speculate on our own about his torrid secrets. Now, TMZ dumps lighter fluid and a match on the smoldering coals with suspiciously well-timed rumors that MSNBC anchor Rita Cosby”s dishy Anna Nicole tell-all — conveniently available Sept. 4! — claims Birkhead slipped Howard K. Stern something entirely different:
Rumors are swirling about the book, Blond Ambition: The Untold Story Behind Anna Nicole Smith”s Death, due out next week. TMZ has heard Cosby will say she has documents that prove Larry Birkhead essentially bought the baby from Howard K. Stern. The publisher is mum until next Tuesday.
OK! magazine will preview the tome next week. Birkhead says, “OK! is on notice those allegations are false, and if they print them as truth, they will be sued as well.” Birkhead adds, “I”ll go after any media outlet that prints those lies from that book.”
For the sake of Birkhead, so far the least skeezy-seeming party in this whole sordid epic, we hope it”s not true — or, that he got a receipt with an exchange policy, because imagine the buyer”s remorse from finding out you illegally paid for a baby that DNA tests claim should”ve been yours from the get-go for free.
Limited Engagements: Lou Diamond Phillips Keeping The American Musical Theater Tradition Alive
Not since we were reduced to puddles of cooing mush over David Schwimmer in his adorable Caine Mutiny Court Marshall sailor outfit have we been so tickled by an internet ad featuring a familiar actor wearing a ridiculous theater costume than we have with this one, touting Lou Diamond Phillips”s upcoming turn in a touring production of Camelot. The recently unencumbered La Bamba star is no stranger to the musical theater stage, having already thrilled Broadway in The King and I, thus ensuring audiences that his King Arthur will be fully realized and adhere closely to the script–unlike Val Kilmer”s Moses, who was known to interrupt the Burning Bush sequence in Ten Commandments: The Musical with improvised rapping about “his dogg, J-Hovah.”
- Camelot [broadwayla.org]
Sponsors: Let Our Advertisers Pamper You
As you head off on your long-weekend escapades, seeking to squeeze the final drops of fun out of the Historic Summer of 2007, take a moment to consider Defamer sponsors–this week”s particularly–and how their various blue-chip products, services, and attractions might enhance your lives in the months to come. As always, if you”d like to advertise with us and reach the sharpest, most attractive demographic on the planet, everything you need to know is right here.
Special thanks to: American Apparel, Canon, Crunch, Evian, Flavorpill, Good Luck Chuck, HBO, Hot Hot Heat, Mandalay Bay, Showtime, 2 Days in Paris, VW, and Zune.
Quickies: Brass Ones
Britney’s song lyrics alone are grounds to take those kids away. (BWE)
Ashton Kutcher couldn’t look any gayer if he turned up in gay porno. (DListed)
Paris Hilton takes the money shot like a pro. (CelebSlam)
Jeff Goldblum gets hisself a piece of the Conan pie. (Popoholic)
$1500 for a beat-ass Versace dress — $30 for dry cleaning costs — looking better in it than Britney Spears? Priceless. (Jossip)
Balls of Fury sucks so much worse than you thought film about fucking ping pong ever could. (Pajiba)
Trade Round-up: John Cusack’s Action Hero Dreams Dashed
· We”re impressed with Variety“s show of headline-pun restraint with this one: The plug has been pulled on Stopping Power, Jan De Bont”s planned action thriller starring John Cusack, after funding fell through at the last minute. [Variety] · Conflicting with other reports, Ang Lee”s Lust, Caution “thrilled” Venice audiences. One journalist asked if the graphic sexual sequences were real, to which the director responded, “Have you seen the film?” Funny–we always felt what The Hulk could have used were some Brown Bunnyesque elements. [Variety] · ABC orders a script for The Fixer, about “the most powerful woman in New York.” We knew it was only a matter of time before Leona Helmsley”s dogwalker had her own show. [Variety] · NBC and Apple have a parting of the ways, with NBC”s content disappearing from iTunes as soon as December. Why can”t Steve Jobs and Ben Silverman just iron this bullshit out over a couple of primo bong hits? [THR] · Giovanni Ribisi is pulled in by the CAA Death Star”s tractor beams. Run, Giovanni! They”re nothing but a greedy and secretive institution that want to have undue influence over your life decisions! [THR]
A Lost In Translation Moment: More Venice Film Festival color: George Clooney, …
More Venice Film Festival color: George Clooney, dubbed “mag-nifico” by the local press for the way he pronounces the word in an Italian TV ad, was pointedly asked by a reporter why he does endorsements. After fumbling for an answer, he sarcastically replies, “Me? In commercials?” [Film Experience Blog]
Recompensing The Champ: Champ, the homeless, former fighter whose …
Champ, the homeless, former fighter whose life inspired the LAT article that would inspire Resurrecting the Champ, is still homeless in Santa Ana, and has yet to see a penny from the production. [ocregister.com]
Christina Ricci Will Eat Your Soul
An unnamed man was seen in Berlin yesterday with this hell spawn slightly resembling actress Christina Ricci. The guy apparently must be impervious to demon attacks, because otherwise he’s either just really brave or really stupid to be standing next to that thing like that. Those sunken dead eyes are chilling me to my core — just looking at them through the screen. The more I stare at it, the more I expect the thing’s grinning jaws to open up and produce a tiny, gnashing Christina Ricci head screaming, “I’ll eat your soul! I’ll eat your soul!” like some sort of horrible nightmare come alive.
More of Jack Skellington’s illegitimate daughter after the jump.
Sponsored By: Yeeeah! Forums Join the snarky community!
No Pictures Means No: Sienna Miller Photo-Op Marred By Ugly Accusations Of Camera-Rape
By now, we hang on every word of the thoughtful analysis of the charms of our nation”s steel towns that drip like honey from the lips of reticent, camera-shy starlet Sienna Miller. Thrillingly, The Sun reports that, while stumbling out of celebration for her clothing line”s London debut, Sienna was caught on tape delivering an elegant stream of nuanced social commentary at the throng of waiting photographers:
She shouted: “F*** off, you f***ing ****s.
“See you in court, you f***ing rapists.”
One photographer who was at the launch said he was shocked at the outburst.
He said: “I was quite flabbergasted.
“We were just doing our jobs, all we were trying to do was get some quotes on how the opening of the shop went and she called us all rapists. […]
It was completely the wrong context to use that word.”
Many thanks to this innocent working man for clearing up that no actual rape was involved, as, quite frankly, we”re still disoriented from the news that the expired It Girl–mild-mannered dispenser of love-taps; accidental potty-mouth–would embarrass herself in public. It”s a slippery slope from here; if she”s not careful, such skirmishes might altogether erase America”s memory of her marginal career as a semi-professional cuckolded girlfriend who also sometimes acts. . It hardly bodes well that she has yet to win a part as a Hogwarts teacher or walk-on mythical woodland creature in the Harry Potter films — roles we assumed were a birthright to any British citizen who has ever written “actor” in the occupation line of their tax returns. Maybe she should just give up now.
- Sienna”s Vile Drunken Tirade [The Sun Online]
Multihyphenate Crackpots: Celebrity Stalker Dessarae Bradford Back With A Deeply Unsettling Vengeance
If you, like us, have at times found yourself wondering whatever happened to Dessarae Bradford, author of I Fucked Alec Baldwin In His Ass (a Quality Paperback Bookclub Selection of the Month™!), guerrilla ambusher of Tonight Show appearances, and, with the recent publication of Colin Farrell: A Dark Twisted Puppy, quickly becoming one of the most prolific celebrity-stalking fruitcake authoresses in recent history–well, then, this is your lucky day. A press release has landed in our inbox from Dessarae herself, updating us to the various exciting projects in development at her production company, based out of an air conditioning exhaust vent behind the 99¢ Only store at Wilshire and Fairfax. A mere taste:
Greetings, this is Dessarae Bradford author ofr [sic] the book Colin Farrell: A Dark Twitsted [sic] Puppy, and whom caused a stir on the Tonight Show With Jay Leno confronting Colin Farrell last July. I wanted all my friends in the media to be the first to get the update on what I have in store for you all this year.
First, since my departure from the spot light, I have been working on my album entitled: DESSARAE BRADFORD UNRESTRAINED which features my new rock metal, and hip hop songs ” Poison Love” a rock ballet [sic?] and ” Rage” a hard metal song that will be presenting first as a single. My “Rage” song targets the two most villianized [sic] figures of our time Osama Bin Laden and Oj Simpson. Being that those two men are so deeply hated in our culture though for different reason, I decided to write a song in capsulatingt [sic] the hatred that alot [sic] feel for them. […]
In the “RAGE” video that will be shot in early September, I stalk out Oj and Bin Laden look alikes and murder them during the video hardcore yet comicly [sic], while chanting the hook of the song “YOUR DEATH IS MY REWARD.”
And that”s just the beginning! The full release, published on Bradford”s website, goes on to relay her plans to conquer every facet of the entertainment industry, not the least of which includes her first movie–a self-produced, semi-autobiographical erotic love story, working title, Colin Farrell: A Dark Twisted Puppy - The Movie. It”s certain to be the crowning jewel of the multimedia assault inspired by the vernal, canine mating habits of the Irish movie star.
- FIRST ANNOUNCEMENT [blessedadventurepub]
Owenwatch: Steve Coogan Finally Gets His Breakthrough Moment As Owen Wilson’s Enabler
At the height of Owen Wilson”s very public personal crisis, Courtney Love uncharacteristically offered up her own, highly opinionated views on the topic–suicide and hard drugs being two subjects that run, pun only partially intended, deeply in her veins. Suspecting she knew exactly who and what led Wilson to his act of desperation, the singer told Us magazine that the culprit was Steve Coogan: A far bigger star in the U.K. than in the U.S., Coogan gained fame overseas for his TV portrayal of dim-bulbed newsman Alan Partridge. (In this clip, he fittingly admits he has no idea who Kurt Cobain is, and is baffled over why he might have taken his own life.) Coogan and Love had a brief affair, which was rumored to have caused a pregnancy, but that thankfully produced no illegitimate children–between Love”s body dysmorphia and Coogan”s English dental genes, the kid never stood a chance.
Once the actor befriended Wilson on the set of A Night of the Museum–the two men played warring diorama figurines–it was only a matter of time, Love suspected, before they mounted their miniature horses and galloped off into the dark abyss. Now Coogan, who was set to have a cameo in the same Ben Stiller-directed movie from which Wilson just pulled out, has rushed back to town for what will likely be the greatest damage control performance of his life. From Page Six:
Our source reports, “Coogan was in Hawaii when the news [of Wilson”s suicide try] hit, but he came back Wednesday night and is trying to get in touch with Owen, Luke [Wilson] and Ben [Stiller]. He”s trying to make sure that the movie [”Tropic Thunder”] doesn”t fall through now.”
Coogan fired back on “Access Hollywood,” saying, “I do want to set the record straight and say that the allegations . . . are completely and utterly false.” […]
Love hasn”t had contact with Coogan in months, except for an e-mail she sent him after Wilson”s suicide attempt. It read, “You must feel really great right now. Does this feel life-affirming?” Love has said on her Web site she”ll have no further comment.
There would, of course, be more comment–lots more–including this choice one from an interview with The Sun: “Hopefully the guy will leave us alone in this town and go back to Brighton or wherever the hell he”s from…and stay there.” If Coogan does manage to salvage his Thunder cameo, we suspect the production will quickly become The Most Awkward Set in Hollywood, marked by excruciating moments in which the actor idles up to the craft services table to see what Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downey Jr. are laughing so heartily about, only to have the three stars fall deadly silent, before ringleader Downey Jr. pipes in, “At least I never took anyone down with me, you fish n” chips-eating enabler.”
- OWEN BUDDY: DON”T BLAME ME [NY Post]
- Love: Coogan should go home [The Sun]
The Desperate Housewives are Flawless
This promo shot was just released to promote the fourth season of Desperate Housewives, and boy do these ladies ever look amazing! And when I say “amazing” — naturally I mean they rate somewhere between Betty Boop and Jessica Rabbit on the scale of Authentic Looking Women You’d See in Real Life.
It’s times like these, I wish for the sake of humanity that Photoshop was programmed with a “self destruct” feature built in. Whichever copy was used to create this monstrosity probably had to be destroyed after it started smoking and flashing “fatal error” messages.
After the jump, a cold shower of reality with Teri Hatcher and Felicity Huffman at the Badgley Mischka party earlier this week.
Paris Hilton Celebrates Greasy Bear’s Birthday
Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis were seen leaving Mr. Chow in Beverly Hills earlier this week after celebrating Davis’ birthday. I know he got the nickname “Greasy Bear” for a reason, but God damn this boy is greasy. Like, “dipped in a tank of Crisco” greasy. Or, “I need to Windex my fucking computer monitor” greasy. On the upside, he probably gets to use the Slip ‘N Slide without even turning it on, and that’s pretty sweet.
More photos of Paris looking like she just caught a whiff of the alluring odor of Crisco, sweat, and half a bottle of “Axe” — after the jump.
Rihanna In A Bra For The Finish
Let’s kick off Labor Day weekend with some Rihanna hotness. Here are some photos from her video “Hate That I Love You“. I have a feeling that this will be another huge hit for her and, if not, at least we can take comfort that Rihanna will be parading around in a bra for the most part. No word if she loses the skirt, but here’s hoping. Have a good weekend.
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Rihanna’s Breasts Need To Be Rescued!
Rihanna Is Naked Under Her Umbrella
Rihanna Bikini Pictures
Gulp! Rihanna Is Only 18!!!
Britney’s New Single Predictably Blows
Britney Spears retarded new single, “Gimme More” has officially been released, or leaked, or whatever the hell you want to call it. Now I’m not what you’d call a “connoisseur of shitty music” — but I’d have to say this sucks even for a Britney Spears song. Despite the unintentional hilarity of her assy opening declaration of, “It’s Britney, bitch” — it’s got the usual overproduced breathy “vocals” overlying what sounds like bad Nintendo music. And I can’t be sure, but it sounds like Britney actually belches the word “more” and the producer figured, “Ah fuck — let’s just run with it.”
You can listen to the new track here.
Short Ends: Britney Spears, By The Numbers
· In roughly the amount of time it took for her to record a decent take of this, Britney Spears made $737,868. · Some guy from Missouri took off all his clothes in a convenience store to distract the cashier while his friend stole beer. There”s a word for that kind of criminal: Probably gay. · Author Pete Hamill noticed an uncomfortable amount of similarities between his 2002 book Forever, and new Fox drama New Amsterdam, but seems to know better than try to take the network on, lest he find himself abducted in the dead of night and used as human game on Rupert Murdoch”s private safari hunting resort. · Gasp! What”s Jake Gyllenhaal doing on the Unabridged Hollywood Herpes Tree? · To paraphrase another Avenue Q song: There”s a fine, fine line, Larry Craig. [via Towleroad]
Extortion: Tom Cruise Squashes The Sultan Of Sleaze Like A Bug
David Hans Schmidt, aka the “Sultan of Sleaze,” has finally learned what the potential consequences are of peddling his shadily procured wares back to their original owners. Having attempted to shake down Tom Cruise with stolen photos from Cruise”s lavishly mounted Italian fairytale wedding, a guilty-pleading Schmidt is finally looking at serving up to two years of hard time. Extra reports:
He”s pleading guilty to one count of transmitting threatening communications with the intent to extort. When sentenced, he will face up to two years in prison, one year of supervised release and a substantial monetary fine.
Also revealed in the papers: in June 2007, Schmidt met with [Tom] Cruise”s representatives and told them, “It would not look good for anyone if the photographs become public.”
Later, during a July 2007 meeting, Schmidt told Cruise”s representatives that he would “hunt down to hell and back anyone who crossed him.”
While we”re comfortable in the knowledge that justice has been duly served, something about Schmidt”s threatening overtures towards Cruise”s camp in June have left us extremely curious as to just what kind of sensitive material might have been contained in the purloined portraits. Short of a telephoto shot accidentally revealing the inner circuitry of the Suri-bot, we”d be hard pressed to envision a single scenario captured at this happy occasion that might shed an unflattering light, up to and including the unshackling of the war bride for the couple”s ceremonial first “Silent Dance,” performed before the gathered crowd to the hushed strains of an instrument-miming OT orchestra.
And Victoria Beckham As Herself: ‘Ugly Betty’ Gifts Posh Spice With A Hard-Earned Job In Her Strange New Land
It”s heart-warming to see that somebody in this country understands the plight of the plucky immigrant. After enduring the extreme physical and mental stress of dodging the paparazzi with a sex doll dressed up in your likeness and finding the perfect multi-million-dollar mansion in Los Angeles all by her lonesome, our malnourished heroine Victoria Beckham has been clutched warmly to Ugly Betty“s ample, restorative bosom:
Victoria Beckham has landed her first acting role on prime-time U.S. television, appearing as herself in an episode of the popular comedy “Ugly Betty,” the ABC broadcast network said on Thursday.
Beckham, the fashionista wife of English soccer player David Beckham, will play a celebrity bridesmaid in an episode of the popular show based on life at a fashion magazine. The episode will be filmed in the autumn.
Finally, after years of hard tanning, Posh”s great American Dream has been realized. We applaud the producers for their generosity of spirit and wise stunt-casting: Not only might it give us the chance to watch Mrs. Beckham struggle to twist her face into a second expression, but propping Posh”s toothpick frame up next to Betty is perfect for perpetuating the absurd premise that America Ferrera is even remotely plump.
- Victoria Beckham Turns “Ugly” for Betty [REUTERS]
Power Women: Forbes’ List Of Most Powerful Penis-Lackers Contains Some Unexpected Surprises
The list-compiling obsessives over at Forbes magazine have released their latest masterwork: “The World”s 100 Most Powerful Penisless People,” they call it. Sprinkled among the many businesswomen and politicians are a few familiar names from the showbiz realm, including DreamWorks”s Stacey Snider (#87) and Disney”s Anne Sweeney (#77), CBS”s Nancy Tellem (#49), and Amy Pascal, coming in at an impressive #35, despite Forbes“s editors obviously not being aware that she”d been graduated to full-fledged, junk-swinging man by Variety“s Showmen of the Year nominating committee. The highest ranking entertainment figure was Earthly deity Oprah Winfrey at #21, but the biggest surprise on the chart came in at #24, as Big Brother“s Jew-leery candidate Amber was deemed an even greater feminine force to be reckoned with than Hillary Clinton. Amber 2012!
- The World”s 100 Most Powerful Women [Forbes]
Power Women: Forbes’ List Of Most Powerful Penis-Lackers Contains Some Surprises
The list-compiling obsessives over at Forbes magazine have released their latest masterwork: “The World”s 100 Most Powerful Penisless People,” they call it. Sprinkled among the many businesswomen and politicians are a few familiar names from the showbiz realm, including DreamWorks”s Stacey Snider (#87) and Disney”s Anne Sweeney (#77), CBS”s Nancy Tellem (#49), and Amy Pascal, coming in at an impressive #35, despite Forbes“s editors obviously not being aware that she”d been graduated to full-fledged, junk-swinging man by Variety“s Showmen of the Year nominating committee. The highest ranking entertainment figure was Earthly deity Oprah Winfrey at #21, but the biggest surprise on the chart came in at #24, as Big Brother“s Jew-leery candidate Amber was deemed an even greater feminine force to be reckoned with than Hillary Clinton. Amber 2012!
- The World”s 100 Most Powerful Women [Forbes]
