To Do: The Hold Steady, Rickles, ‘Odd Man Out’ May 31, 2007
· Music round-up: Electrelane at Trobadour; Sparta at the House of Blues; The Hold Steady at the El Rey. · The legendary Don Rickles presents Rickles” Book: A Memoir at Book Soup. Make sure to stick around for the signing, where Rickles will inscribe your copy with an insult that you will cherish forever. · The LAT“s Kevin Thomas has picked Odd Man Out for the Aero”s screenings of classic Carol Reed movies; pinch-hitting critic Jean Oppenheimer will stand in for the out-of-town Thomas and introduce the film.
Copy-editing Dept.: Annals Of Above-The-Title Typos: Jody Foster In ‘The Brave One’
On the bright side, four of the five words prominently featured on the official website for upcoming revenge thriller The Brave One are presented correctly, a fact that Jodie Foster“s agent is sure to take into consideration as he calls Warner Bros. to politely ask, “How many fucking Oscars does my client need to fucking win before someone over there can learn to spell her fucking* name?”
[*As we”ve all learned from Entourage, agents are delightfully foul-mouthed.]
- The Brave One [WarnerBros.com]
- The Brave One [IMDb]
Quickies: Two Mai Tais, No Salt
Kelly Brook in a bikini… yum. (The Bastardly)
Marilyn Manson passed on The Firecrotch. (MollyGood)
The Sopranos’ “Oh Face” face off. (CityRag)
Michael Jackson owns Eminem. (Seriously? OMG)
Nicole Richie… pregnant? (popbytes)
Jessica Biel channels the super’s wife. (CelebSlam)
Trade your old car for a pair of Motorized Pink Bunny Slippers. (CubeMe)
Sponsored By: Yeeeah! Forums Join the snarky community!
Celeb Jurisprudence: Tom Sizemore’s Search For The Perfect High Curtailed By Bench Warrant For His Arrest
The long road to recovery and redemption for Saving Private Ryan star Tom Sizemore is paved with countless arrests, hearings, and court-ordered humiliations. (They”d outfit him with SCRAM-type ankle monitoring device, but any self-respecting tweaker would gladly saw off their own foot for their next hit.) Even his booking last month in Bakersfield on possession charges continues to reap unwelcome dividends for the troubled actor:
TMZ has learned that a Los Angeles County judge has issued a bench warrant for the Sizemore”s arrest, after he was booked on drug charges in Bakersfield earlier this month.
The “Black Hawk Down” actor”s arrest may have violated the terms of Sizemore”s probation from a 2004 drug conviction. Tom must now turn himself over to authorities, so a judge can determine if he should be thrown behind bars… A date for the probation violation hearing has not been set.
With jail time once again in the cards for the brazen recidivist, it won”t be long before his latest legal distractions disrupt the set of the movie he”s currently filming, leaving his Stiletto co-stars Tom Berenger and Michael Biehn to fend for themselves as the meth-addled thespian abandons his takes in order to boast about his impressive day-player rates to a crowd of extras he repeatedly confuses with the L.A. County District Attorney.
Lindsay Lohan is a Pill Popping Hypocrite
Enjoy the above clip of Lindsay Lohan giggling like a stupid twat while advising against the dangers of drinking and driving. Sure, the clip’s two years old, but now you can officially add hypocrisy and the powerful painkiller OxyContin to the ever-growing list of Lindsay Lohan’s vices. Her estranged father tells E! Online:
“I spoke to the people treating Lindsay, because I wanted to make sure she was getting the right care. And I’m satisfied they are… helping her detox from the [OxyContin]. And I learned they use the 12-step program, which includes a lot of lessons based on God’s teachings, so I was satisfied with that. First she needs to get clean, then she needs to let God into her life.”
Michael explained that after the detox period for alcohol and opiates, Lindsay would receive treatment and counseling for other drugs, including cocaine. He also said he wanted to make sure Lindsay would be getting religious counseling.
Well, Jesus might not mind tossing a drug-using drunkard a bone, but even the Savior draws the line at helping hypocrites. You remember the Seven Woes of the Pharisees (from Matthew 23):
[Jesus said] “Woe to you… you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean… you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.”
Has a more apt description of LiLo ever been written? Except for the “beautiful on the outside part,” I mean. My “Jesus for the Modern Teen” Bible offers this more contemporary translation: “You’re pathetic, you stupid skank! You are like the strippers at Scores, which have big tits on the outside but on the inside are full of cigarette butts and the spunk of countless men.” Thus saith the Lord!
Empowerment: Jessica Alba To Seize Control Of Casting Couch From Horny White Male Oppressors
At first, we thought that some editor at Parade (motto: “When the Cerritos Pennysaver“s celebrity coverage is too hard hitting, we”re there for you.”) was trying to slyly undermine the above pullquote (from this Sunday”s issue) about Jessica Alba“s ambitious plan to produce movies with empowering female roles by reminding everyone that her greatest critical accolade is the coveted “Sexiest Performance” Golden Tub of Popcorn. But then we realized that when the actress really gets her producing career rolling, those are exactly the parts she”ll develop for herself, proving to the white males who control Hollywood that she no longer needs them to cast her in the stripper roles that best show off her talents.
- Jessica Alba - Web Exclusive [Parade.com]
Defamer Jobs: The Defamer Job Board: Here To Help You Sift Through The Ashes Of That Bridge You Just Burned
It would irresponsible of us to recommend that you cut ties with your current employer by urinating on the dry cleaning you just picked up, phoning his wife and admitting he”s nailing the assistant two cubes over, and then heading to the beach to enjoy the rest of your day, confident that a better gig is right around the corner–irresponsible, that is, unless we told you take along your laptop and spend some time using the Defamer Job Board to plan your next career move as you listen to the gentle sound of the Pacific lapping against the sand.
Appearing this week at Defamer Jobs:
- Assistant Accoutant - Confidential, North Hollywood, CA
- Intern For Talent Agency Executive - Confidential, Los Angeles, CA
- Post-Production Coordinator - Digital Playground, Van Nuys, CA
- Legal Assistant - GSN, The Network for Games, Santa Monica, CA
- Asst to Senior Talent Agent - Confidential, Los Angeles, CA
- Outreach Associate - Current TV, San Francisco, CA
- …and more
Spread the love! Submit yours today.
Theme Parks: Parents Brace For Two More Years Of Whining Before They Can Finally Take Their Brats To Harry Potter Land
The news millions of children (and socially awkward adults who enjoy playing wizarding make-believe in their leisure time) have been waiting for has finally come: Plans for a Harry Potter theme park have been announced, in which the series”s enchanted cobblestone walkways and ivy-covered walls will be painstainkingly recreated on the grounds of the equally magical Universal“s Islands of Adventure. Reports the AP:
“The Wizarding World of Harry Potter” is set to open at Universal”s Islands of Adventure theme park in late 2009, complete with the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the Forbidden Forest and Hogsmeade village.
“The plans I”ve seen look incredibly exciting, and I don”t think fans of the books or films will be disappointed,” said author J.K. Rowling, who has been working with a creative team to make sure the park resembles the books and films.
[Universal”s Scott] Trowbridge said while there would not be any character lookalikes at the park, fans wanting to see Harry Potter and his magical friends wouldn”t leave disappointed.
“This is Harry”s world,” said Trowbridge. “Most every fan wants to have an encounter with the star of the show.”
Since the project gets the nod of approval from notoriously protective series creator J.K. Rowling, you can be sure The Wizarding World of Harry Potter will capture the scope and detail of the novels. Souvenir stands will likely grace every other corner, selling the requisite Fanged Frisbees and Screaming Yo-Yos to the dazzled Harry fans. And at the end of their long day of spell-casting adventure, sick from gorging on Bertie Bott”s Vomit-Flavored Churros, they”ll trod back to their cars, wishing their official Nimbus 2000 reproduction could hasten the journey, and incapable of a withholding just a slight sneer of derision as they pass the Muggle simpletons cavorting at the park”s comparatively puerile Seuss Landing.
- Harry Potter theme park headed to Fla. [Yahoo/AP]
Trade Roundup: Compassionate Producers Invite Lindsay Lohan To Relapse On Their Movie Set
· Finally, some good news for Lindsay Lohan: After convincing Poor Things producers Shirley MacLaine and Rob Hickman that she”s confident she”ll be able to step right in and disrupt their production with blown call times and suspicious absences the moment she gets out of rehab, they”ve agreed to rearrange their shooting schedule to accommodate the troubled actress”s inconvenient trip to Promises. [Variety] · Proving once again that there is no comic book franchise Hollywood won”t take a crack at adapting, Warner Bros. is producing a live-action version of DC sidekick title (Robin! Kid Flash! Aqualad! The Bastard Son Who Keeps Tagging Along When Green Lantern Is Trying To Fight Sinestro!*) Teen Titans. [THR] · Little Miss Sunshine writer Michael Arndt, contracted to script a remake of the 1939 comedy Midnight for Universal, might need to get some better dreams: “Being given the chance to update the film with Reese [Witherspoon] in the lead is simply a dream come true.” [Variety] · Just throw a brick through your TV screen and buy a new one in the Fall: So You Think You Can Dance wins Wednesday night for Fox. [THR] · How hot is 1939 right now? Writer/director Diane English is going forward with a long-gestating remake of 1939″s The Women, assembling what she hopes is the ultimate chick flick cast, one that spans generations and levels of acting ability: Meg Ryan, Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Jada Pinkett Smith, Debra Messing, and Candice Bergen. [Variety] [*Probably not a real character, so please, no e-mails.]
Box Office: Tomorrow, Sony Retaliates With A Six-Page Ad About The Unreliability Of Italian Preview-Screening Accounting Practices
Disney has hopefully ended the studio dick-measuring contest over Spider-Man 3 and Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man”s Chest“s dueling claims to the record for the biggest worldwide opening (six-day) weekend, splaying its box-office inches across a two-page spread in today”s Variety. While the (technically?) triumphant studio”s design team was initially going to allow the huge number and curiously tiny #1 WORLDWIDE OPENING OF ALL TIME copy speak for themselves, they couldn”t resist surrendering to their cruder instincts with a message taunting their rival and its humbled, slump-shouldered hero.
[Image: Digital Variety]
The Summer Tv Wasteland: Mark Burnett Slaps Eye-Patch On ‘Survivor,’ Resells It As New Pirate-Themed Show
While admittedly not every competitive reality venture devised by format innovator Mark Burnett could be categorized as a runaway success (e.g., On The Lot has yet to connect with audiences, and seems headed towards granting the guy who made the retarded-guy-in-Heaven movie a corner office on the DreamWorks lot), he nevertheless boasts an impressive batting average in the unpredictable genre. His latest effort, Pirate Master, premieres tonight on CBS, and seems a sure a thing as they come, pairing the Darwinism-for-dollars premise that made Survivor such a runaway hit with the public”s enduring fascination with all things buccaneerish:
“It”s high adventure that they”re on this pirate ship, and there”s actual money being discovered in the form of gold every week,” as opposed to a single winner-take-all payout, Burnett says.
Using maps, 16 contestants compete in physical challenges in search of hidden coins around Dominica, the Caribbean island where the show was filmed. A “captain,” elected by the group, takes half of each week”s booty and lives large in a fancier cabin with better food and no deck-scrubbing. But “if he doesn”t handle it right, if he (ticks) them off, there can be a mutiny.”
In a reversal of Survivor”s immunity idol, Pirate”s captain marks three crewmembers as potential plank-walkers; one is voted off.
As with all new Burnett productions, the first few weeks always allow for some wiggle-room with regards to exact format: If audiences respond favorably to ritual elements of game play like deck-scrubbing and plank-walking, producers will likely choose to incorporate even more authentic pirate fun into the proceedings, pitting team against team in exciting events like the Chevy Blazer Torch n” Rape Challenge. Still, not enough emphasis can be put on the importance of choosing a suitably charismatic host, and so we”d still like to once again nominate the legendary real estate plunderer (and very available) Cap”n Donnie Trump–better known simply as the fearsome “Combforward”–who”ll come outfitted in the classiest lacey shirts and solid gold peg-legs doubloons can buy.
- Burnett sets sail with a TV “Pirate” [USA Today]
Paula Abdul is a Whiny Bitch
“American Idol’s” Paula Abdul is the epitome of emotional stability. According to Page Six:
In a sob-filled audio tape.. Paula Abdul is captured having a meltdown during a recent conference call. [She said] “I’ve been going through tremendous amounts of a difficult time… And I’ve never in my entire career been treated this way. I don’t understand how [former publicist Howard Bragman] can call me a whining bitch. I’ve never in my life been called a whining bitch and a loser.”
Indeed. I’ve never spoken with this Bragman fellow personally, but I do know that I’ve never heard those particular words used to describe Paula Abdul. It’s usually just “retarded” or “incoherent” or “dumber than a bowl of fucking mice.” But I must admit that “whiny loser bitch” has a certain “je ne sais quoi” to it. Just like “lunatic saggy tits” and “ball sniffer.”
Publicists: Paula Abdul Thinks Ex-Flack Didn’t Jump On Enough Grenades For Her
We incorrectly assumed that as the end credits rolled on the American Idol finale, a designated producer would rush up to judge Paula Abdul, hand her a fist-sized pill for “nerve pain” to gnaw on for a few minutes, and then prop up her slumbering body in a janitorial closet, reviving her from her off-season hibernation only when the first group of Idol hopefuls arrived at January”s cattle-call auditions. Abdul, however, has been quite active in the rags since last Wednesday night”s sign-off show. She recently railed against how every slurred, on-camera utterance is unfairly scrutinized (can”t a popular TV personality chemically manage her chronic pain without people jumping all over her when she momentarily forgets the order that makes strings of words comprehensible?), and today finds herself the subject of a Page Six story describing a “meltdown” she allegedly had on a conference call in which she “seems to be talking to a group of publicists at some point during the last week” about how her former flack wasn”t properly servicing her crazy-person needs. An excerpt:
Ranting about [former publicist Howard] Bragman, who apparently didn”t appreciate her enough, the petite former pop star says: “I do a call-in every week for OK! Magazine on “American Idol.” Because of my brilliant job, they want to do a cover on me. I”m being told by Howard Bragman that I”m too old and no one will ever want to do a cover.
“I”m being tested. All I”ve ever wanted in my life is to be treated fairly and be treated with kindness. And I”ve never in my entire career been treated this way. The people who are supposed to take care of these things do not. I have to clean up after them everywhere they go. And I”m tired of it.
“Howard Bragman on Monday - he did some disgusting behavior. I had to go to Jimmy Kimmel,” Abdul is heard sobbing, “with no publicist there. [Abdul appeared on Kimmel”s show on May 15.] I go on with no publicist there and I pay this man . . .
“I don”t understand how this man can call me a whining bitch. I”ve never in my life been called a whining bitch and a loser.”
When we asked Bragman when he stopped working with Abdul, he said, “I”m not going into it,” and added, “I”ll stand by my reputation if she”ll stand by hers.” Her current rep, David Brokaw, did not return calls.
It”s truly unfortunate that such an irreparable rift has opened between Bragman and his ex-charge, as ugly name-calling does nothing but taint the memories of their special time together. On the bright side, it does sound as if Abdul”s newly retained media defense team knows what the star expects of them, and is willing to provide the level of service their utterly defenseless client requires. If Paula demands that a rep accompany her on her next talk show appearance and squat behind the couch with a cannister of pepper spray, poised to blind the host at the first hint he”s going to ask an uncomfortable question, they”ll be there fully prepared to pull the trigger, then to provide a soothing hug as the sensitive Abdul tries to block out the anguished screams of her rude inquisitor.
- PAULA WHINE CAUGHT ON TAPE [Page Six]
- Previously: Paula”s Little Helpers Take The Edge Off For Lovable “Idol” Judge [Defamer]
Paris Hilton Gets Off Easy
In an effort to make Paris Hilton’s jail time as meaningless as possible, L.A. authorities have hand-selected a non-violent offender to be her cell mate and issued a stringent list of instructions regarding her treatment. TMZ says:
Jailers were looking for someone who they believe will not try to cash in on Hilton’s stay… [and] are already conducting searches of anything electronic — they are prohibiting cameras, cellphones and the like. A memo has gone out to the staff, warning them that anyone who takes pictures of Paris will be disciplined — i.e., fired. A “written protocol” has already been prepared especially for Paris’ stay, detailing “when and how things should be done for her.”
Things like “duration of each ass kiss” and “how much nose-to-crack ratio is preferable,” I guess. Christ. That doesn’t sound anything like the female incarceration documentaries I watched last week. Nobody held the hand of Maria de Guerra in “Frauengefängnis.” They did unbridle her insatiable lust, though. And what about the girls in “Caged Heat?” The didn’t have any big fancy lawyers to get them out of jail in half the time. All they had were their “white-hot desires melting cold prison steel.”
More of Paris Hilton en route to a recording studio after the jump
Adriana Lima Is Hot And Very Tolerable
Here’s Adriana Lima at the “Dance For Tolerance” fundraiser. It’s an event to bring to kids together from around the world and you know, learn to be friends or something. It’s a very noble cause and that’s why I am posting these pics. Actually that’s a lie. I’m posting these pics because she’s hot. This fundraiser could have been called “Dance For Slavery” and I’d still put her sexy photos up and fight any man who speaks ill of her.
Related Articles: Adriana Lima 1, Alessandra Ambrosio 1 Alessandra Ambrosio 1, Adriana Lima 0 Adriana Lima Bikini Pictures… Again Adriana Lima’s One Piece Dress Is One Piece Too Many
Celine Dion Has a Faggy Kid
I’m plunging ahead with the new low of calling a little kid faggy today. I know, I know — every time you think I couldn’t possibly lower the bar any further — bam! I find a new way to debase myself and the good name of celebrity gossip. Well, you try to refrain from using the words “faggy” or “gay-ass” when describing this photo of six year old Rene Charles posing with mommy Celine Dion on the cover of Hello! magazine. If the name Rene hasn’t already assured him a lifetime of chester-baxters and ass-kickings, that glossy mane of caramel curls pretty much guarantees he’ll be an anus bleacher. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course!
Bad News! Anna Kournikova Is Not Single!!!
Enrique Iglesias was joking when he announced his split from Anna Kournikova and they are still together. The Spanish heart-throb told journalists during a promotional visit to Sweden that he had split with the former tennis ace. He said, “We’ve split. I’m single now and it’s OK. I don’t mind being single.” But the star has told British magazine Hello he was joking. During an interview with the publication, Iglesias revealed the Russian is still the love of his life. He says, “It is the first serious relationship I’ve had in my life.” Source
Screw you Enrique! You just made me look like a total chump for reporting that you had in fact parted ways with Anna Kournikova. What the hell does she see in you anyway? Besides your good looks, silky smooth crooner voice, Latin dance moves and massive bank account, I don’t think you’re all that. Anyway I hate you because I can’t be you. Next time you wanna be a funny guy and make us laugh, how bout writing all the songs on your next album. That would be a hoot.
Related Articles: Good News! Anna Kournikova Is Single!!! Anna Kournikova Is Skinny & Frail But She’s No Nicole Anna Kournikova Gives Us A Nice View
Photos: Bauer-Griffin
Short Ends: There Is No Dream George Clooney Can’t Make Come True
· Having recently provided the venture capital that buoyed the business of a pair of North Carolina lemonade magnates, do-gooding Ocean”s 13 star George Clooney is now helping to launch multimillion-dollar musical careers. · Being the most recognizable motorcycle cop to an entire generation of law enforcement officials has put a target on Ponch”s back. · Apparently, Judd Apatow is a big Britney Spears fan. Do with this information what you will. · Stuff on My Lohan: Like with the cats, only drunker and much less cute. · Nicole Richie was just kidding about that 100-lb weight limit on her party. The fatty cut-off was only supposed to keep out porkers over 85.
Emily Scott Gives Us A Hand
Well it’s Emily Scott’s second appearance on Hollywood Tuna. Emily is the kind of chick who seems to pop up at the right times. When everything in the gossip world has gone stale and there’s nothing remotely interesting to write about, she suddenly appears. Actually, to be honest any hot girl would have done the trick, but Emily just so happened to be in the new FHM Magazine. So thanks Emily for helping out.
Related Articles: Survey Says: Emily Scott Holly Valance Pictures New Vida Guerra King Magazine Pictures
A Kelly Hu Picture Moment
Alyssa Milano Pictures Leeann Tweeden Pictures Jarah Mariano Pictures Bianca Gascoigne Pictures Celebrity Pictures
Coping: Paula’s Little Helpers Take The Edge Off For Lovable ‘Idol’ Judge May 30, 2007
As the American Idol machine reboards its Magic Karaoke Spaceship and lifts off into the ether, perhaps the hardest part of it all comes in knowing that with it flies away the show”s trusty center judge, Paula Abdul. Sure, she”ll return when the entire sadomasochistic process begins anew in January, but for those of us who greedily relied upon her zonked-out, indecipherable energies being beamed to us twice a week through our TVs, there is little sweetness to our parting sorrow. Abdul recently opened up to OK! magazine, educating their readers about the excruciating physical conditions that led to a reliance on prescription painkillers:
“I have four titanium plates in my neck. I”ve had 14 surgeries over the years. I had an operation the same evening as the first season finale of American Idol,” she says. “It can come and go at any time, but I no longer have the intense nerve pain that is associated with RSD, thank God.”
Abdul — who says she was hit by a drunk driver in 1987 and injured in an emergency plane landing in the early “90s — says she is treated with anti-inflammatory medications and has massage and acupuncture treatments for her pain.
“If I appear exhausted on television, it”s because I am!” she says. “I have a lot of sleepless nights because I”m in so much pain. I was taking far more medication on earlier seasons (of “American Idol”), and nobody said anything. I try to say something and I stumble, and that”s what people have picked up on. I”m not polished.”
When asked how she responds to claims that her behavior during Idol is sometimes bizarre, Abdul replies:
“I”m sick of it. I”ve never been drunk. I don”t do recreational drugs. It”s defamation of character.”
Abdul seemed more lucid than ever in Idol“s sixth season, offering concrete critiques and only falling once–a minor tumble that broke her nose just hours before the finale, involving her cherished Chihuahua, Vicodin Tulip. We must therefore concur that the very suggestion that her at times erratic behavior–punctuated by the occasional mid-sentence power nap–could have been caused by anything other than on-the-job fatigue is a truly preposterous and mean-spirited notion.
- Paula Abdul found her purpose on “Idol” [USA Today]
Coming Attractions: Bay’s ‘Transformers’ Premiere To Terrorize Westwood
While we”re well aware that it”s the rapidly approaching Transformers premiere that”s inspiring the look of “Look upon my hacky works, ye mighty, and despair!” pride on the face of Michael Bay, we imagine that not everyone who finds themselves confronted with the countdown clock currently ticking away on the fauxteur”s web presence will know exactly what will happen when it reaches zero. Still, the unlabeled doomsday timer is an appropriately unsubtle reminder that no individual Bay blockbuster is larger than the blowing-shit-up visionary behind it, even if that movie will soon be launched in one of the most over-the-top promotional orgies ever staged in a city known for its love of excess. Reports the LAT:
In one of the biggest premieres ever held in Los Angeles, the Bay juggernaut — about a race of alien robots trying to gobble Earth — will take over not one, but four Westwood movie houses on June 27, with 4,000 seats available, not just for swank “Transformers” stars like It-boy Shia LaBeouf or executive producer Steven Spielberg, but for actual members of the public.
The premiere will be followed by a party on Broxton Avenue in Westwood that is open to anyone who attends one of the screenings at the Landmark Regent Theatre, the Mann National Theatre, the Mann Bruin Theatre and the Mann Village Theatre.
Organizers have managed to keep the upcoming event”s biggest set piece a secret, a stunt which we can now exclusively reveal: As fans file out from the various Westwood venues, the director himself will roar into the center of the throng in a custom-made Lamborghini, rip an undisclosed number of tire-scorching donuts, then proceed to blow what”s left of their minds by transforming the car into a 30-foot-tall, robotic version of himself; once Bay feels the mob has been sufficiently paralyzed with awe, he”ll then use the spectacular machine”s specially calibrated claws to pluck the two most attractive, scantily clad women (twins, preferably) from the crowd and lumber off into the night, crushing the occasional Hummer beneath its feet just to drive his busty hostages wild with desire.
[Image: MichaelBay.com]
- Shia LeBouf and cast to “transform” L.A. film fest [LAT]
- Transformers [LAFilmFest.com]
His Multi-hyphenate Game Is Ridiculous: Little Time Left For Child Rearing As Kevin Federline Pushes His Career To The Next Level
As his ex-wife continues her campaign to reclaim her good name though online manifestoes that rationalize the neglect of her children and years of generally idiotic behavior with a combination of untreated ADD and a manager with sinister motives, Kevin Federline quite impressively manages to remain laser-focused on his life”s goal: forging an independent and enduring show business career entirely built around his multiple non-talents. For example, he cleverly maximized the thousands of hours he clocked behind the velvet ropes of Las Vegas”s better drinking establishments by convincing Wilmer Valderrama to collaborate on his sophomore record release. And while his acting career appeared to have stalled after one underwhelming guest appearance on CSI and the Method channeling of a fry cook for a Super Bowl insurance commercial, reports have now surfaced that K-Fed will soon be acting opposite an Academy Award-winner, plus one of Hollywood”s most legendary monosyllabic leading men, in a major motion picture:
Britney Spears” ex-husband Kevin Federline is embarking on a movie career after landing a part in Keanu Reeves” new film.
The dancer/rapper will play a “small but notable” role in the thriller Night Watch, opposite Reeves and Oscar winner Forest Whitaker, according to In Touch Weekly magazine.
While the movie”s IMDb logline (”A veteran LAPD cop [Reeves], who turned to the bottle after his wife”s death, is framed by his former mentor [Whitaker] in the murder of a fellow officer.”) offers few clues as to how Federline”s pivotal character will figure into Watch“s tautly woven game of cat and mouse, suffice it to say that the moment he makes his first appearance, peering at the camera through a rear-view mirror, his killer acting instincts should make his single line, “Here you are sir. Broadway and 49th–just like you asked!” one for the ages.
- Federline Lands Movie Role Opposite Reeves [Hollywood.com]
To Do: Fire, Jail, Zach
· Music round-up: Arcade Fire returns to the Greek Theatre (will Gwyneth be back for more?); Brakesbrakesbrakes at Spaceland; Great Northern at Troubadour. Special PSA: Bo Bice breaks the hearts of local Idol fans by canceling his HOB show. · Novelist Susanna Moore covers the red-hot topic of women”s prisons in The Big Girl, which she”ll read from and sign at Vroman”s in Pasadena, then patiently answer questions about what Paris Hilton”s summer stay in Lynwood might be like. · Courageous Ellen Show dance-refusenik Zach Galifianakis is at Largo, where he”ll hopefully discuss his recent, harrowing talk show ordeal in greater detail.
Basting The Children: Miserly ‘Sunset Tan’ Mom Only Cares Enough To Spend $1300 On Daughter’s School Photo Prep
The Best Week Ever blog has pulled the above clip from Sunset Tan, E!”s latest documentary-style celebration of all that is glorious about life in our somewhat image-conscious city. Be appalled if you must that a doting mom would drop $1300 on having her daughter irradiated and spray-tanned to a hue favored by Lindsay Lohan; we, however, are disgusted only that the parent didn”t march her neglected child over to Dr. 90210“s office for an on-camera consultation for the pre-teen breast augmentation that”s wildly popular in fifth-grade classrooms this year, or, at the very least, a quick Restylane treatment to preemptively paralyze the various facial muscles that will soon rob her of her youthful good looks.
- UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: This Video Contains All Of The Reasons Why Our Society Is Doomed [BWE]
- Sunset Tan [E! Online]
