Quickies: Lead Us Not into Temptation February 28, 2007
“Our Daily Bread” does in one half-hour what ten years of PETA couldn’t do with all their pictures of naked chicks. (Pajiba)
Britney Spears lives the hobo life in a previously used bikini. (Egotastic)
jessica simpson thinks her schnozz is her best feature. (ICYDK)
A little John Travolta and Scientology apparently could have saved Anna Nicole Smith. (BWE)
Every drug Paris Hilton’s ever done. (CityRag)
Kimberly Stewart pays off FHM. (CelebNewsWire)
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Paris Hilton Violates Probation
Idiot man-child Paris Hilton managed to violate the terms of her probation last night by driving on a suspended license. TMZ reports
As a result [of Paris Hilton’s prior arrest], the DMV suspended her license, and a judge placed Hilton on 36 months probation, with one major condition being: to “obey all laws.” Last night, Hilton was stopped around 10:30 PM after cops say they noticed Hilton speeding down Sunset Blvd. without headlights. Deputies then discovered she was driving with a suspended license, arrested the heiress and impounded her car. [The heiress] could spend up to 90 days in jail as a result.
Operative word being “could.” Paris Hilton could be elbow deep in a dead hooker’s chest clutching a butcher knife with a child hostage under each arm and a pound of coke stuffed in her hoo-ha and her stupid spoiled ass would still get off. American justice, baby. You can’t beat it.
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P. Diddy’s Hit and Run
Sean “P. Douchebag” Combs allegedly punched some guy in the face at an Oscar party early Monday morning. TMZ reports
Gerard Rechnitzer was at a post-Oscar bash Sunday night with his fiancee at the Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood when he made a pit stop in the bathroom [and] noticed his fiancee surrounded by six men, including Combs. We’re told the 5′7″, 140 lb. Rechnitzer watched as Combs chatted up his girl for about five minutes, and then asked his fiancee to leave with him. At that point, Combs allegedly told the woman he was having a party and invited her to come. Rechnitzer asked his fiancee again to leave with him. Combs then allegedly socked Rechnitzer in the jaw.
Rechnitzer, a real estate broker, called 911. The LAPD came out and took a report, but Combs had left before the cops arrived. We’re told the LAPD contacted Rechnitzer yesterday, and as many as five witnesses who observed the incident.
That’s why you can’t have black people at fancy society functions. They always end up hitting somebody in the face or shooting someone or smoking crack or collecting welfare while you’re trying to have a respectable white person time. Unless they’re there to serve appetizers and champagne or clean the toilets, I mean. Then they’re fine.
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Britney Spears Borrows Bikini From Stranger & Then Gets Drunk. No Joke
Before checking in to Promises rehab center in Malibu for the second time, Britney Spears enjoyed a strange, bewildered day with two new friends. Bright and early on February 17, a newly bald Spears arrived at L.A.’s chic Mondrian hotel, ready to catch some rays. But the star was denied a room due to lack of credit cards or cash. By 11 a.m., an undeterred Spears, 25, had stripped down to a bra and panties poolside, then shaved her legs in the pool bathroom. “It was sad,” says a source. “It looked like she really needed a friend.” She got two – at least for a few hours. Around noon, Spears (then in a blonde wig) began chatting up a woman in the bathroom, who offered to loan the pop star a bathing suit. Spears followed her new friend to her hotel room where — after changing into a borrowed bikini — she raided the minibar. Source
I know that doing yet another post on Britney Spears, and her problems is really beating a dead horse, but seeing as every other celeb seems to still be recovering from their Oscar hangover, this is all I could find today.
Britney’s life is getting pretty sad. I’m sure that swanky hotel is used to celebs breezing in for a room, without any form of payment. Recognition alone could probably get them free stays if needed. Not Britney. It just goes to show you that she’s definitely not wanted on the premises. How can someone who was at the top of their game just a few short years ago now be reduced to shaving their legs in public bathrooms, borrowing bikinis from strange girls and then cleaning out their mini bar. If there’s a joke somewhere to be found in all of this, it eludes me.
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Angelina Tells Brad ‘No’ to On-Screen Kiss
Angelina Jolie’s vice-like grip on Brad Pitt’s balls seems to have gotten even tighter in the last few weeks. Star magazine reports
On January 22, Brad refused an on screen kiss with sexy co-star, Megan Brown, on the set of his new drama The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. A source tells Star, “The feeling among the crew was that Angelina didn’t like the girl because she was stunning.” Angelina’s afraid he’ll fall for Megan, just like he did for her while filming Mr. & Mrs. Smith in 2005.’
I’d never heard of Megan Brown, so I IMBD’d her and found this. And after seeing her pics, I can’t say I blame Brad for passing up on the kiss. Megan Brown looks like an uglier version of Laura Linney, and Laura Linney’s pretty damn ugly to begin with. I also heard that Megan has halitosis and compulsively pulls out her own eyebrows. Well… I don’t know that for sure, but she is a redhead. I think stink-breath and nervous tics sorta come with the territory. Just like the beatings and a general sense of self-loathing.
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More of Angie and Brad at last month’s “God Grew Tired of Us” premiere after the jump
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Beyonce’s Hepatitis A Scare
An employee of Wolfgang Puck’s who assisted in catering the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue party earlier in the month may have unwittingly exposed the the party’s guest to Hepatitis A. Singer Beyonce Knowles was among those in attendance at the party. TMZ reports
An urgent warning has been issued by the Health Department warning the star-studded crowd that they may have been exposed to acute hepatitis A. The list of possibly exposed guests: Beyonce Knowles, Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend Bar Rafaeli and dozens of… models. The Los Angeles County Department of Public Health confirmed that an employee of Wolfgang Puck Catering was recently diagnosed with the disease, and has strongly urged anyone who attended the SI party or any of the 13 other events catered by Puck between Feb. 1 - 20, to get an immune globulin shot by tomorrow to prevent illness.
I don’t know much about infectious diseases — other than gential warts and the clap, I mean — so I did a little research and learned that Hepatitis A is primarily transmitted through orofecal contact. “Oro” from “mouth” and “fecal” from “feces.” Honest to God, not making this up, Wikipedia offers the following advice in avoidance of Hepatitis A:
It is recommended that the consumption of fecal matter — for experimental or recreational purpose — be avoided. Besides disease, there are many other negative consequences of fecal ingestion.
Note to self: Quit with the shit sculptures and turd figurines. My menagerie might end up looking kind of bare, but having Hepatitis A is definitely worse than only having half of the cast of “Lost” made to scale in my own poop. Besides, that show’s already going to shit on it’s own. I don’t think it needs anymore help from me.
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Keeley Hazell: Cause We Can’t Get Enough Of Her
The people at Zoo Weekly are geniuses. They manage to get Keeley Hazell to pose for them, like almost every single week. Other men’s magazines should take note. While you guys are out there trying to find the latest “It” girl, Zoo Weekly is giving her to us consistently. Anyway, this issue is called “Keeley Goes To Hollywood”. Unfortunately, it’s not called “Keeley Goes To My Bedroom” but who knows, maybe with all this free publicity I’m giving Zoo Weekly, that will be the next issue. One could only wish!
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A Bree Condon Picture Moment
Federica Fontana Pictures Alessandra Ambrosia Pictures 2007 Lucy Clarkson Pictures Celebrity Pics
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Lindsay Lohan’s Future Is Shaky
Lindsay Lohan made sure she didn’t miss out on the post-Oscar partying - but admitted it gave her “the shakes”.The 20-year-old actress is fresh out of a 30 day stint attending rehab for alcohol dependency, but has got straight back into the LA party scene, and found it impossible to resist Sunday night’s A-List festivities.However, the Daily Mirror reports a worried Lindsay was heard telling pals at Patrick Whitesell’s bash, “Oh my God I’ve got the shakes, it won’t stop!” Source
I’m not sure if Lindsay Lohan was just nervous being in a room full of her peers sober for once, or if she was actually suffering from alcohol withdrawal symptoms. Either way she’s still a moron for putting herself in a situation where there’s a good chance she’ll end up smelling like Jack Daniels and vomit by the end of the night. I’ve seen bowling balls with more willpower than this chick. At least she still looks hot, but how much longer will that last? About as long as her movie career if she doesn’t smarten up.
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Inroducing our New Baby: Robotzilla
Hi everyone! Yeeeah! Media is proud to announce the launch of Robotzilla, a social network for movies and TV series enthusiasts. There’s a lot to do over there: you can share the latest movie trailers, upload your own creations, create your own blog, and keep in touch with other members of the community in the forums. Yeeeah! has become a great community thanks to its awesome readers and we’ll continue to give celebrities the spanking they deserve, but since online communities are all the rage on the web today, we wanted to extend our network and give you another good reason to waste even more time online. Oh, and did I mention that we’ll be giving away an iPod Shuffle to our most active member every month?
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You’re Still Prettier Than Jessica Simpson February 27, 2007
Ladies — in case you’re having a “fat day” or a “bad hair day” or a “oh god, why did I sleep with that guy in HR day” just a friendly reminder that no matter what, you’re still more attractive than jessica simpson. You’ve always been smarter than her and less inclined to fuck your own father, but now you’ve one-upped her in the looks department, too. I find that nothing bolsters the self-esteem like learning that you’re better than somebody else, especially somebody famous. That’s precisely why I’ve made it my living.
More fug after the jump.
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Quickies: Choke Hold
Mary-Kate Olsen waxes boring on her fucking purse. (MollyGood)
Petra Nemcova’s squished areola. (Drunken Stepfather)
The best Oscar jewelry up close and personal. (About: Celebrity Gossip)
Katie Holmes’ leash was too tight at the Oscars. (Socialite Life)
Shiloh and Zahara Jolie-Pitt out on the town. (Gabsmash)
Mia Maestro does Argentina proud. (The Bastardly)
Jennifer Hudson’s Oscar dress was Andre Leon’s fault. (Celebitchy)
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Britney Spears Has Post-Partum Depression
Britney Spears’ public undoing apparently has more to do with the baby blues than binge drinking and cocaine. TMZ reports:
Britney’s doctors have two operating theories — either that she suffers from post-partum depression or bipolar disorder. The doctors strongly believe post-partum is the problem. We’re told Britney, who is sticking it out at the Promises rehab facility in Malibu, is currently reading Brooke Shields’ book, “Down Came the Rain,” in which Shields reveals her battle with post-partum depression. As for substance abuse, doctors believe the drinking is a way Spears has coped with the bigger problem [of depression].
Ah, the umbrella of “post-partum depression.” It covers such a slew of maladies. Like that time I stabbed a cashier at McDonalds in the throat with a ballpoint pen for forgetting the shake with my order. That was all post-partum depression. Well, yeah, it’d technically been six years since I’d actually given birth to anything, but deep down on the inside I was obviously still depressed. Why else would I have put all those naked pictures of myself on the internet? Besides the money, I mean? Or set my ex-husband’s house on fire or driven my car straight into a light post? Those two bottles of Wild Irish Rose I drank just hours before don’t count. It’s post-partum, baby. I guess I’m just a victim of my own crazy uterus.
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Brandon Davis Ruins Paris’ Birthday
Douchebag extraordinaire Brandon Davis stayed true to form by making a complete ass of himself at Paris Hilton’s birthday bash last week. TMZ reports
Brandon “Greasy Bear” Davis did himself proud once again at Paris Hilton’s party Saturday night by throwing flowers at Paula Abdul, who was supposed to sing “Happy Birthday” to Paris. Then, [he threw] the flower-holders. And finally, after asking Paula to “lick my [bleep],” he mocked her by talking in a fake-Arabic accent. Then, Brandon [grabbed] Courtney Love and [told] her, “I want to squirt on you,” never minding that Courtney’s young daughter was right there.
This guy makes Casanova seem like a bumbling idiot. Really, I can barely keep my legs together while reading this, it’s so hot. “I want to squirt on you?” You just don’t get any more debonair than that. That’s almost as romantic as the time that guy rooting in the garbage behind the Circle K told me he’d like to punch me in the kitty and spooge on my turd-cutter. I said almost as romantic. Geez. Not everyone can be a fucking Romeo, you know.
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The Best Dressed at the Oscars
I waited a full 24 hours before posting the winners of Yeeeah’s Best Dressed at the Oscars because I was actually drunk and then passed out for most of the awards show Sunday night. It’s a fact that you don’t have to be sober to know if somebody’s dress is ugly, so the Yeeeah’s Worst Dressed went up yesterday without a second thought. But determining the creme de la creme is a more deliberate process. So many things have to be considered — hair, makeup, dress color and fabric — it has to all be seamless to secure the distinguished honor of my approval. Or it has to show nipples. One or the other. I have unflinching standards, just like Anna Wintour or Larry Flynt.
The reigning queen of the 2007 Academy Awards was undoubtedly Reese Witherspoon. The fit of her dress is immaculate, and the color really accentuates her eyes. Love the stick-straight hair and the new bangs. Just fabulous. If I were a gay man, I’d be snapping my fingers all over the place and prissing “You go, girlfriend” between sips of my mandarin mango margarita. But I’m a straight woman, so I’m just going to go with “well-done, Reese.”
The rest of the best after the jump
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WTF!!! Kimberly Stewart: World’s Most Eligible Bachelorette!?
Kimberly Stewart has been voted the world’s most eligible bachelorette by FHM magazine. The 27-year-old blonde, the daughter of rocker Rod Stewart, topped the poll voted for by FHM magazine readers. The leggy hell raiser saw off stiff competition from former ‘Baywatch’ babe Carmen Electra, who came second, and Britain’s Princess Beatrice, 18, who claimed third position. Source
Either the readers of FHM have terrible taste in women, or Rod Stewart is getting so sick of Kimberly Stewart lounging around the house all day long doing nothing, that he paid to have her on top of this bogus list to help find her a man. These are the only two scenarios that could explain how Kimberly could come in at #1.
The survey was based on wealth as well as looks, which could explain why Jenna and Barbara Bush, the 25-year-old twin daughters of US President George W. Bush, polled in 17th and 18th place respectively.
Ok I’ll admit the Kim is rich, but strikes out big time in the looks department! Don’t believe me? Have a look at this, this and this. The only list she should be topping is the one which ranks celebs most likely to be mistaken for scarecrows. Anyway, at least Carmen Electra came in second, so here’s some of her hotness to clear Kim from your memory banks.
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Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Breasts Redeem Her Less Than Perfect Lower Half
Ok it’s not often that I say something regrettable here on the site, but I’ll admit that my previous comments about Jennifer Love Hewitt’s thunder thighs were uncalled for. What’s with the change of heart you may be asking? Simply put, these latest pictures of her ample bosom easily cancel out any less than perfect memories I may have of her lower half. There’s nothing like a solid pair of breasts to wipe the slate clean and start from fresh. Welcome back to my good book JLH!
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What’s Happening To Rose McGowan?
I don’t know what’s happening in Hollywood but it seems as though celebrities are no longer eating carbs and I’m concerned. And for me to be concerned is a big deal because I love skinny chicks (skinny, healthy chicks like Adriana Lima)! Now a few month’s ago we saw Rose McGowan at the Spike TV’s “Scream Awards 2006” looking like a character from the Adam’s Family and not much has changed, except this time she has what appears to be a black eye. So what’s up with Rose? I hope all is OK, because her breasts still look fantastic but I have a feeling that those are going to be gone soon too if there isn’t some kind of intervention.
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An Ana Beatriz Barros Picture Moment
Ana Beatriz Barros Pictures Ana Beatriz Barros SI Swimsuit Issue Pictures 2007 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Party Pictures Celebrity Pics
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Quickies: Circle Jerk February 26, 2007
Kirsten Dunst had second thoughts about that hideous Oscar dress. (ICYDK)
“Reno 911! Miami” includes a scene that “culminates in a tableaux” of perverts masturbating in their hotel rooms. Sold, baby! (Pajiba)
Apparently Bobby Brown’s prerogative is not paying child support. (Seriously? OMG)
See what years of coke and butt-fucking have done for Jenna Jameson. (Egotastic)
You can almost make out the outline of Pink’s penis in those shorts. Almost. (Hollywood Tuna)
Tyra Banks manhandles Katherine McPhee for a live studio audience. (Popoholic)
Britney Spears is deep-fried chicken crazy, y’all. (Fatback)
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Cameron and Drew Like the Reefer
In case you couldn’t tell what’s going on in the above photograph, that’s actress Cameron Diaz toking on a joint just moments before she passes it to BFF Drew Barrymore. And it’s also the most convincing anti-drug campaign poster I’ve ever seen. D.A.R.E. should consider changing their catch-phrase to “This is your FACE on drugs. Any questions?” or “When even a giant hat can’t hide your ugly, you know you have a problem.” It goes without saying that I am 100% against “being ugly.” And, being the public servant that I am, I often spend my days off combating ugliness with a bullhorn and a bottle of scotch in front of the Piggly Wiggly downtown. I consider it my civic duty. That’s why I put these pictures up — to warn you about the dangers of being a hideous crone. And also to remind you that drugs are awesome and should only be done by only cool attractive people like myself. Please don’t thank me — I’m just doing my part.
More reefer madness after the jump
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2007 Academy Awards’ Ugliest
Feathers and 1940’s hair were all the rage at this year’s Academy Awards. So were ugly dresses, but we’ll get to that in a minute. Martin Scorsese finally won a few Oscars with “The Departed,” and “American Idol” Jennifer Hudson took home “Best Supporting Actress” for her role in “Dreamgirls.” Word on the street is that one of her nipples flopped out of her dress when she took the stage to collect her award, but I simply can’t handle that kind of visual first thing on a Monday morning, so you’ll just have to Google “fat girl nipples Oscars” yourself and live with the shame of being such a disgusting pervert. For a complete list of the night’s winners, click here.
Okay, for the ugly: Kirsten Dunst was undoubtedly the ugliest person at the 2007 Academy Awards. And I don’t just mean the dress, which was pretty goddamn awful in itself — a see-through polka-dotted polo shirt over a sequined bodice capped with feathers. The teeth and the shoes really seal the deal. They’re all wrong. You’d assume by now she’d have learned to smile with her fucking mouth closed, and the only shoes that could have possibly worked with such a dichotomous ensemble would have been a pair of high-topped Chuck Taylors spray-painted silver. It’s common knowledge that shiny sneakers are the only way to fuse “American Eagle” with “haute couture” and not look stupid. Shiny sneakers also work for “rodeo clown” and “haute couture,” which may have been the look Anne Hathaway was actually going for last night.
Check out the rest of the ugly after the jump.
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What’s Happening To Jenna Jameson?
I’ll keep this brief, because I really don’t think it’s necessary for me to get into specifics about everything that’s wrong with these pictures of Jenna Jameson. You all have eyes, and can see for yourselves that she’s not the same shining porn star that we all fell in love with a decade ago. Anyway, Jenna if you’re reading this, I’m pleading with you to please put some weight back on. You’re way too skinny, and it worries me. Seeing you in this condition may do irreparable damage to my one right handed love life.
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Jessica Biel Goes Slumming
In what I can only assume was the losing end of a bet, super-hot actress Jessica Biel and Latino loser Wilmer Valderrama were spotted on what appeared to be an actual date last week. Page Six reports
[Jessica and Wilmer] looked like a hot new couple Thursday night at the Rose Bar in the Gramercy Park Hotel. Biel arrived first… and [Valderrama] joined her a half-hour later. “They were in deep conversation,” said a witness. “Then, Latin music was playing and he twirled her about. They seemed to be together all night.”
I’m pretty sure I’d make out with a school janitor before I’d make out with Fez. Even if the janitor had scabs all over his face and those frothy spit-strings in the corners of his mouth. I’d probably have to shoot myself in the thigh first as a distraction, but I could do it. After all, I once touched a hobo’s wiener for thirty bucks on a dare. He was dead, but believe me, that was still no walk in the park. But thirty bucks is still thirty bucks, and thirty bucks will buy you a lot of crack nowadays. Enough crack to stop you from feeling like you need to burn your forearms with cigarettes again for having touched a corpse’s genitals. But there’s just not enough crack in the world to quash the shame of having made out with Wilmer fucking Valderrama in public. That’s probably why God invented alcohol.
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K-Fed and Britney Reconciling?
Kevin Federline continues to cement his position as “the stable one” in the Spears family, even going as far as to visit Britney in rehab with their children. According to People magazine,
Kevin Federline brought Sean Preston Jayden to the Malibu rehab center Saturday evening. This was the second time Federline has visited his estranged wife — [he also visited on] Friday without the children.
The visits seem to have rekindled the flame between Baldy McPsycho and The Cheese Dick. News of the World reports
Kevin Federline [is] having second thoughts about divorce. In a 60-minute heart-to-heart, [he and Britney] wept and hugged as he promised: “I’ll stand by you if you clean up your act. I just want you to get well.” A pal of Federline’s said: “It’s taken Britney’s breakdown to make Kevin realise that he still loves her. He’s finally treating her with a bit of care for once. He admitted he’s been having second thoughts about the split and thinks there may be hope of a reunion after she gets better.”
Well, everybody knows the best way to salvage a failing marriage is to have kids. If you’re really on the rocks, have a couple more. Possibly adopt a puppy, or move your aging parent into your home. And if that still doesn’t work, then one of you needs to go stark raving mad and try to kill themselves by meandering through traffic after having polished off a bottle of Xanax. I can’t tell you how many times that’s worked for me. I’d probably have been divorced seven or eight times instead of just three if it weren’t for shaving myself bald and deep-throating a shotgun. Marriage counseling is just for pussies who can’t commit.
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