Eva’s Panties February 21, 2006
A guy tried to run off with Eva Longoria’s underpants on the set of Desperate Housewives. I guess you can say he was desperate. I can think of nothing I would want less than a pair of someone else’s underpants. I wonder if they contained incriminating DNA, that’s worth much more. Has she spent time with Paris Hilton lately? How about Clay Aiken?
The man simply wanted to earn a buck or two by auctioning off the offending garments on ebay. That’s a likely explanation. Why else would you want Eva’s panties? That’s simply gross, especially if they came out of the basket marked, Dirty Laundry. Security guards chased the man off the premises before he could make his way to Marcia Cross’s dressing room. Oddly, a jock strap was found in Nicolette Sheridan’s wardrobe.
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Eat Angie, Eat!
empty calories! 
they think they can escape the paparazzi?
Angelina as a child
see the guy holding Angie’s purse? I want one of those
Angelina Jolie has been told by her dcotors to chow down and put some weight on her skinny bones. Angie, as I call her, should be gaining weight in anticipation of the World’s Most Beautiful Baby, instead she is starving herself. She needs to take a page out of Britney Spear’s pre-natal guide and make herself some mayonaisse sandwiches and deep fry a couple of Twinkies. Secretly, I think Brad likes his women skinny. Brad encourages his girlfriends/wives to stay super- skinny and in return he will dye his hair to match theirs. It’s true. For that alone I could never be involved with Brad. I like to eat!
Angie has gained twelve pounds thus far and is risking her baby’s health if she doesn’t start eating more. She’s in france! Croissants and fine baked goods, breads and chocolates abound, what’s the problem? I would probably tip the scales at over 200 lbs if I were to move to France. Oh wait, French Women Don’t Get Fat!
Brad and Angie are setting up house in France just like Johnny Depp. They are doing this in hopes that the paparazzi will leave them alone and they can be a private, normal family… normal Forget it!
The relocation makes it very difficult for Aunt Jennifer and Uncle Vince to come visit and babysit the infant who is rumored to be a boy and be called either William or Marlow. Plus, I don’t ship gifts internationally so they can forget about a pair of mini distressed jeans from Auntie DJ.
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Celine and her crazy face
Celine Dion and Elton John sang together at a benefit to raise money for workers affected by Hurricane Katrina. The show was “aimed at helping some 8,000 workers of Harrah’s Entertainment Inc. (the company had casinos in the Gulf Coast region).” (people.com)
The only thing worse than a night full of Celine Dion ballads is a night of Celine’s funky expressions which are downright frightful. The woman has a powerful voice, there is no doubt but her facial contortions rival Jim Carrey’s. A face of silly putty yet the voice of an angel.
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More Paris?
Paris and her ‘friend’, Nicole Lenz
Sleazy photos of Paris Hilton and Val Kilmer are circulating, so consider yourself warned. The hot and heavy sex- a- thon has been captured in photos and the pix are said to have come from her vault of personal items. You know the storage facility where she forgot to pay her bill. Oops!
The pictures leave nothing to the imagination and I for one, don’t want to see a bloated, boozy Val and a nude Paris romping around, you can get an STD just by looking at her. Ironically, Val also dated Zeta Graff, ex-girlfriend of Paris’s ex, Paris Latsis. So sleeping with Val was like sleeping with Zeta who also slept with Paris. It’s just one big cesspool of disease with undertones of syphilis! Im going blind!
Now another X-rated video is rumored to have surfaced, this time PH goes Girls Gone Wild with Playboy model Nicole Lenz. One Night in Paris pales in comparison to this new tape. Lesbian action and sex play ensue…according to hearsay and gossip, Paris and Nicole decided to hole up at a luxury suite at the Bellagio Hotel (not the Hilton Flamingo?) after a night of drinking and partying on the strip. What are two girls to do when it’s not yet time for their beauty sleep? Why not…make a porn? You know, those Gideons leave the Bible in the hotel room for a purpose, hint hint Paris. I’m surprised her cooter isnt held together with duct tape at this point. Maybe it is…
Says Nicole, “The moment we were in the room Paris had only one thing on her mind - sex. We lied down on a king size bed and took it in turns to play with each other. It wasn’t long before we were naked and rolling around together.” The two horny broads played with sex toys for hours, recording it all! Good thing Paris taught Tinkerbell how to work the video recorder.
Of course all parties involved deny the steamy night ever happened. We’ll see when Two Nights, a Banana and a Curling Iron in Paris is available at your neighborhood video store.
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Random February 20, 2006
jessica simpson totes her hairdresser Ken Paves around like he is a portable Malibu Ken doll while she’s sporting the synthetic Barbie doll hair. I can’t wait to see Jessica in her new movie roll where she plays a Wal* Mart cashier. I hope she wears a shapeless blue smock.
See what happens when you leave your pregnant girlfriend for a younger woman? Billy Crudup was actually rather hot before he got involved with Claire Danes. She hits him with the ugly stick every night before they go to bed. He’s got crazy eyes!
Nicole Kidman better stop with the hair dye and diet pills because she’s losing her pretty tresses. She’s going bald! This is very severe. Maybe its a side effect from having the chip removed from her brain after the spaceship took her up to the intergalactic hideout of Ron Hubbard during her marriage to Tom. Could be.
MK Olsen had Bob Saget hot glue Mariah Carey’s Lady Godiva extensions onto her head. Here’s a tip: fake, long, pretend hair isn’t pretty. Do you really want to look like a cartoon of a mermaid? How about a Kinkajou monkey wearing a Star Jones Wig?
This bitch never smiles! I would have a grin on my face all day and night if I had ridiculous amounts of cash like the Olsen twins, yet her mug is always in a scowl or pucker. Lighten up and count your jillions!
I try not to post porn so excuse this photo. Tom is whiter than Ryan Seacrest’s bleached teeth after a Zoom session. Like Katie really sleeps with that apparition? Please. Disgusting! I bet he smells like novacaine and ammonia.
And Katie, Burberry plaid is so yesterday! Clearly you are too busy with your robotic instruction to keep up with fashion. Let the Scientology handlers know that you can shop on your own, okay?
Belly Watch: medium to large, mid-range.
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K. Fed Bomb
Cornrows and a bodyguard are tight!
You bitches, its me, K. Fed comin atcha. Yo. Let me lay out there for you. I’s in the studio day and night workin’ on my new single which is droppin’ like a K Fed bomb soon. My rap song is called, Shizzle on my Swizzle. Yo man, the shit is tight. Peeps all up in my Kool-aid, shit. I’m keepin’ it real and aint frontin’ and when it hits the air, youre gonna know it.
Did you see my interview with that magazine? I dont know what one. What you think I am? Im a rapper not no scholar, yo! News…something. Newday. Newsmuntz. I’s tellin’ them that no matter how good of a rapper I is, and I’m good, peeps findin’ something to pick on me for. Yeah. Dats right. Everybodies ear hustlin and writin’ shit about me. Yo man, Im just here tryin’ to get my swirl on. Woo woo!
If you take a notice, my PopoZao gots 2 million hits man. My shit is the macaroni wit da cheez. You know it. Now Is tole Brit I don’t want her on my album. Its gonna be a hit. Real crunk. I don’t need her coming in my studio and messin shit up. She don’t know nada about rap, man, it takes talent. Talentizzle. My muzic is off da miz-onkey.
Heres what Im saying’ “We have collaborated. But I’m not going to put the songs on this album because it’s like, ‘Respect me first; then I’ll show you what I’ve done with my wife.’”
Show me some respect man, I deservizzle it!
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Paris turns 25!
Paris Hilton turned 25 on February 17th which means she and I both fall under the astrological sign of Aquarius. Many Aquarians have mental problems, it’s a proven fact and a reason why I’m so fond of my “happy pills” which Tom Cruise is trying to wean me off of. Paris is also known to have a delicate emotional constitution. Who would have thought we were alike in any way? Aside from that, the things Paris and I have in common ends abruptly.
In the above photos, either Paris is bloated or has a belly full of semen from a fellow party-goer, perhaps many deposits were made in the bank of Hilton that evening. We will never know because Paris doesn’t kiss and tell. She does however, take copious notes and lock her journals in storage facilities. She also is open to video taping her exploits so stay tuned for a video surfacing on the internet.
In other P. Hilton news, she cites drugged out rocker Pete Doherty as a musical influence. Yes, you read that correctly. Click here for the full story. She wants to jump his fragile and coke- filled bones. Why? Because Kate Moss did and she’s hot!
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Cameron’s run- in with a bird
According to the Mirror, Cameron Diaz was almost killed….by a bird. Seriously!
Since she is a Big Movie Star, she wouldn’t be caught driving herself around, instead her chauffer was at the wheel of a silver Range Rover when a carnivorous bird with giant wings and a pointy beak answering to the name Britney came swooping down, cracking the glass and showering Cam with dangerous shards! Now she has an excuse to apply band-aids to her many oozing zits under the guise of her “lacerations”.
Her driver remained cool and collected, as if a killer bird smashing into cars was totally normal in England. I don’t know, is it? I would never be in a moving vehicle with Cam, that chick is a walking disaster prone to broken bones and missteps. It wasn’t so long ago that she was climbing on top of a dresser when she took a tumble. (probably drug related). Another time she had a surf boarding accident (perhaps she was drunk) and before that there were other accidents, too many to count. Lesson learned? Stay away from Cameron. Even though she is filthy rich and dating Justin Timberlake, the risks you take while being in her clutzy presence simply isn’t worth the company.
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Oh Dear, Britney…. February 18, 2006
child endangerment
cell phone + gas = explosion
POPZAO! KABOOOOM!
Britney needs a crash course in the dangers of life and all the many rules we peons must follow on a daily basis. She walks into a fecal- and- urine infested gas station restroom, eats junk food, smokes cigarettes, chats on her cell phone despite the obvious large warnings on the gas pump that warns against cell usage. Does she think rules were made to be broken? Yes, she does.
TMZ has a video she might be interested in…
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Nicole cries
… slept with this man! She didn’t even get paid to put out with Busta Rhymes. If I had to look at that mug and kiss those lips believe me, there would be an exchange of Benjamins if you get my drift. This is totally something Paris would do, not Nicole. After all, Paris slept with yucky druggie Tom Sizemore who looks like he’s been stonewashed and acid rinsed then spun out and hung on the line to dry.
In other Busta news- well it all just pales in comparison to knowing he got it on with Nicole! She must have been high, drunk or smelling of desperation. Click here to read about what’s going down with Busta and the murder of his bodyguard.
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Paris and her new RBFFN, thats Rich Best Friend For Now
She cleaned out the flour from her belly button, added a diamond stud and a dab of eau de dirty bedsheets and the essence of old money toilette water
The photos are of Paris Hilton at Camilla Al Fayed’s birthday party in London. Camilla is Paris’s alter ego heiress twin from England. Her dad owns the Harrods department store (her step-brother dated Princess Diana) and she grew up playing with Christian Louboutin shoes and Balenciaga gowns, obviously leading a childhood similar to my own. Oh, the memories of playing with mother’s diamonds and sapphires, dressing up in Chanel and Yves St Laurent. My glory days!
Like Paris, Camilla decided not to pursue college because she “isn’t academic”. In other words, why go to school when your family is loaded and you will never have to work a day in your life? He’s no heiress but I’m sure Kevin Federline understands.
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Jen goes hairless!
Jennifer Aniston got a full body wax for her new movie, The Break Up starring as you know, her real life boyfriend Vince Vaughn. Now she is as soft and slick as a wet baby seal! Eat your heart out Brad. Like he cares! He doesn’t.
The hair removal was for a scene in the film where Jen’s character Brooke gets nude in front of Vince’s character named Shlumpy Pete (no it isn’t- I made that up). So basically when I say Jen takes it all off, that includes all clothes and hair. I wish she was bald. That would be a dedicated actress to part with her lovely locks. You know, Angelina would do it in a heartbeat and then send her shorn tresses to Locks of Love!
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Glove for sale
the magic is in the glove, along with other DNA…
It was just this morning that I was wondering what else I could buy on ebay besides a few liters of Vincent Gallo’s sperm (I just realized how TomKat got pregnant!). Like manna from heaven, there it was in all its white splendor: The Glove.
Yessir, Michael Jackson’s single glove is for sale and the bids start at a mere $250K. A steal! A bargain for the glove that touched the hand that touched the crotch of the king of pop.
I don’t know why but Liza Minelli’s ex-husband David Gest owned the glove. Its a little something from his “private collection” which used to sit in a locked glass case next to Liberace’s rhinestoned purple knee socks and Elton John’s hot pink, ostrich feather trimmed boa.
The description of The Glove reads:
“This is specifically a glove to be worn in concert as there are no stones on the palm side, so holding the microphone and manipulating the fedora hat is easier. On the back side of the glove are hundreds of rhinestones individually sewn on. This glove is a significant piece of pop history.”
Funny, no mention of a free 2 liter bottle of Jesus Juice included with the sale of the glove, not even a dvd of the making of Thriller. What a rip off! Save your money for Michael Jackson’s newly worn burkha from his trip to the Middle East. That comes with a free black wig and a coupon for a pair of Curious George pajama bottoms.
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Kelly to leave Reeeggggeeee
I’d fit in perfectly! Note the heavily sprayed and teased bangs. East Coast mall hair returns!
Kelly Ripa is thinking of leaving old windbag Regis so she can take the place of Katie Couric on the Today show. That is amazing because Kelly is not a reporter which means anyone can do Katie Couric’s job, all you need to do is fake it. Fake it to make it as I always say.
This opens up a spot on the Live With Regis & —- show. And I think I would be perfect for the job. I have no qualms about telling Regis to shut it when he talks about going down to Mar-a-Lago to visit Trump. Who gives a shit! I’d knock him in the chest with my elbow a few times and he’d stop showboating about his upcoming venues with Susan Lucci. Dude, lets get a younger demographic in the a.m! Plus working for ABC would give me unlimited Star Jones sightings and photo ops!
Says the ultimate trusted news source, The National Enquirer:
Under the bombshell deal, sources disclose Kelly would get her own talk show as part of an extended Today show — meaning she’d go head-to-head against Regis on Live! Insiders disclose that the potential deal is the brainchild of NBC head honcho Jeff Zucker. Said a close source: “Jeff realizes that Katie has her mind made up to bolt to CBS when her contract expires in May and take the big job as the evening news anchor — the slot made famous by Dan Rather.”She wants to be taken seriously as a newswoman and CBS is confident she’ll be the perfect fit. Despite all the money that’s been thrown at her to stay, she’s determined to exit.”
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