Vanessa Marcil’s One Chance October 31, 2005
Vanessa, you have to call me. I know for a fact that you and I would make beautiful babies. When I was in university, I studied genetics. My analysis show that we have the ideal molecular breakdown to create the perfect offspring. I’m also younger than you so when you get old and ugly, I’ll still be young and vibrant. You’d be lucky to have me. This is a one time offer.
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The Worst Wonder Woman Ever!
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Short Ends: Celebrities Shattering Eardrums
· Our pals at TVGasm have collected some predictably horrifying (but still magical) clips from last night”s debut of But Can They Sing? For a sneak preview of the last noise you”ll hear when your soul slips out of your body for good, listen to Bai Ling”s rendition of “Like a Virgin.”
· Maddox Jolie is also an excellent last-minute costume idea, as long as you”re willing to live with a mohawk for a couple of weeks.
· So Martha”s all, “Fuck the Donald, I”m taking over the whole franchise,” but Trump goes, “Hey, low-rated cookie-baking beeyotch, you can bite my doily, I ain”t going nowhere.” You know, to paraphrase.
· Baldwin, Basinger wage heated battle for control of Ireland.
· Geraldo Rivera owns a DVD of Soul Plane. More shocking: He actually paid for it.
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Vince Vaughn Walks WIth Men
Pleased that his well-choreographed exploits with The Break-Up co-star Jennifer Aniston earned him spreads in all the important glossies and tabloids, Vince Vaughn took a couple of close guy pals out for a walk, confident that he”d finally land the covers of Getting Handsy With Uncomfortable Looking Short, Fat Dudes Weekly and Life & Style Presents: 101 Flabby Celebrity Midsections.
- Vince Vaughn Exercises, Err Walks [A Socialite”s Life]
- Previously: More Scenes From The World’s Most Private Balcony [Defamer]
- Vince Vaughn And Jennifer Aniston Step Out On The Balcony For Privacy [Defamer]
- Ironically, Brad Pitt Left Her For Someone That Looked Just Like Angelina Jolie [Defamer]
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To Do: Halloween Special Edition
· The Aero Theatre in Santa Monica screens The Exorcist, at one time perhaps the scariest movie ever made. Of course, that title can now be been claimed by any number of Ben Affleck vehicles. (Ben Affleck jokes: scarier than demonic possession!)
· If Linda Blair and projectile vomiting aren”t your thing, The New Beverly has a double feature of Land of the Dead and The Lost Boys, perhaps the only Corey Haim/Corey Feldman movie that can be enjoyed without irony.
· Look, scary movies are nice, but there are really only two places to be tonight: behind the double-bolted door of your home, praying that mischief makers don”t sacrifice your cat, or at the West Hollywood Halloween Carnaval with five hundred thousand or so of your closest friends–assuming that your friends are Britney Spears With A Dick, Paris Hilton With A Dick, or Britney Spears Getting Sodomized By Paris Hilton With a Dick. It”s all in good fun, really.
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Fox To Open Santa’s Mail
This holiday season, the always family-friendly Fox network will help ease the burden on Santa Claus by answering some of the overworked Christmas icon”s mail–on camera, of course. From the AP:
Thanks to the Fox network, some letters to Santa Claus are sure to be answered this year.
“Dear Santa,” a special where some of the wishes expressed in letters to Santa Claus are granted for a television audience, will air Dec. 9, Fox and the U.S. Postal Service announced Monday.
Compelling letters received by the postal service from children and families asking for Santa”s help will be selected for the special.
Unsurprisingly, the network has a very specific definition of what comprises a “compelling” missive. Children troubled enough to ask Santa to participate in a beauty pageant after they receive radical plastic surgery will probably find themselves whisked to the top of the “Nice List” and learn that Christmas wishes really can come true.
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Hollywood Silly String Ban Enters Second Year
If you”re anything like us, Halloween is an excuse to drink enough alcohol to kill a baby elephant, dress up in the clothes your mother thinks you delivered to the Salvation Army for her a decade ago, and stumble out into a throng of grope-happy strangers to temporarily blunt the psychic damage of 16 years of Catholic school. But because the Fun Police want to make sure that this annual purification ritual can”t reach the level of total catharsis, they”ve once again banned the use of Silly String, a crucial prop in any self-respecting pagan orgy. They”ve covered Hollywood Boulevard in signs warning of $1,000 fines (pictured: one from last year), leaving scores of partyers whose costumes rely on the playful simulation of voluminous ejaculation scrambling to modify their outfits. We have faith in our fellow debauched masqueraders, however, and are confident that they”ll find a alternative, legal way to splooge all over unsuspecting passers-by, probably one involving a weapons-grade mixture of Redi-Whip and a name-brand depilatory. They can take away our Silly String, but they can”t kill our spirit!
- Halloween in Hollywood, a Party Without Silly String [NY Times]
- Previously: Hollywood Girds Against Menace Of Halloween Silly String [Defamer]
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Defamer Party Report: A B-List Halloween At The Mansion
The Defamer Special Playboy Mansion Correspondent files this report on Saturday night”s annual Halloween bash at Hef”s place, where Paris Hilton stretched the limits of her creativity while the likes of Jeremy Piven and Bill Maher showed up sans costume, hoping to improvise something utilizing a “male participant in Misses March Through August orgy” motif. Sound a little boring compared to the Mansion”s glory days? Did we mention that Frankie Muniz, Alan Thicke, and somebody from the Amazing Race were there? Sounds like (presumably–our spy didn”t go snorkeling in the Grotto to check) absent Official Hollywood Playmate Inspector Owen Wilson was hardly missed:
Another Halloween, another excuse to snag myself on the barbed-wire B-list bonanza that is Hef”s annual Mansion spookfest. I befriended an ex-playmate on the shuttle-ride over, who became my evening”s gossip guide. Among the more interesting morsels: the haunted house, mounted every year on the tennis courts, was toned down considerably this time around after Paris Hilton threatened to sue when one of the hired ghouls supposedly “groped” her in the ghoul room. Didn”t scare her off, however, cause she, Nicky, Stavros et al. were there in full force. She was in a bunny costume (the creativity!) and a gigantic blonde wig. After a quick huddle, they broke with a renewed, almost supplemented amount of vigor, and attacked the dance floor.
Also spotted: Alan Thicke, leering lasciviously at every piece of ass to cross his field of vision while his new bride (and longtime girlfriend) Tanya Callou hit the dancefloor for some bunny-hunting. (My playmate pal told me he likes to keeps things fresh.) Appropriately enough for Halloween, the very embodiment of evil Jonathan Baker from The Amazing Race was sliming up the game house, dressed as “Playboy Man” (loser). He was loudly listing his Ferrari specs and saying wife/abuse-receiver Victoria Fuller was somewhere in the main house. Hard to believe, but he”s even more hateful in person.
Ari Gold, I mean, Jeremy Piven (no discernible costume), was there, looking shorter than I imagined and with a permanently stunned look on his face, but behaving himself. Bill Maher (in Heffish blazer, which is hardly a costume) had a chick on each arm, and a shit-eating grin. A diminutive Frankie Muniz (looking 12 but actually almost 20), started out alone but ended up with a trashy looking blonde woman all over him. Could have been his mom. Matthew Perry showed up a little late, looking chunky and all unfocused, glassy-eyed smiles. Matt Dillon was there too! Dude looks pretty damn good, considering he”s in his 40s.
Best costume of the night? The dude in his 70s with an IV on wheels, in a hospital gown, red scabs all over his face. I”m assuming it was a costume, and not one of Hef”s pals who just couldn”t pull together an outfit in time.
See ya next year!
- Previously: Defamer Party Report: A C-List Evening At Hef’s Place [Defamer]
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Defamer Halloween Costume Ideas: Baby Daddy On A Budget
Kevin Federline might be a lousy father (who could”ve seen that one coming?), but we think he makes a dandy costume for Halloween revelers on a budget. Grab a 40, a bag of Cheetos, and a chain from grandma”s jewelry box, and you”re good to go at a total price of less than ten bucks. (Note: The dozen prosthetic penises (link NSFW) required to upgrade to a West Hollywood Halloween Carnival version of the costume may drive up costs.)
- HAPPY HALLOWEEN! [michaelmouris.com]
- BRITNEY & BABY HOME ALONE [NY Post]
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Trade Round-Up: No Secret Life For Stallion
· Owen “The Butterscotch Stallion” Wilson shakes his glorious mane and gallops proudly away from Paramount”s The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, possibly due to the studio”s inability to find a female co-star meeting the Stallion”s exacting standards. In a tragic downgrade, Zach Braff is now considered the frontrunner to take Wilson”s place. [THR]
· Fox orders a pilot of the Jerry “All Your TV Are Belong To Me” Bruckheimer celebrity-lawyer procedural American Crime. Bored of merely recycling concepts, Bruckheimer mixes things up by reusing titles, as American Crime was the original name of CBS”s Close to Home. [Variety]
· Jennifer Garner”s Vandalia Films sets up erotic thriller Sabbatical at Touchstone as a starring vehicle for the actress, who bravely refuses to believe that marrying Ben Affleck has effectively ended her career. [THR]
· Touchstone TV rewards Grey”s Anatomy showrunner Jim Parriott for his breakout, post-Housewives timeslot hit with a three year overall deal. [Variety]
· NBC ponders moving My Name is Earl to highly competitive (and lucrative) Thursday night, but Fox might be mulling a shift of juggernaut American Idol to that night as well, likely resulting in untold Must See TV ratings carnage. [THR]
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Betting On The New Harvey Weinstein
Hollywood would be foolish to bet against Harvey Weinstein, even if his just-birthed Weinstein Co. pledges to operate under a policy of fiscal sanity and restraint. The NY Times reports that the New Harvey is willing to yank his belt tight (admittedly, a much easier proposition now that he”s dropped much of the weight that could”ve resulted in a heart attack each time he choked the life from an underachieving employee ) to prove that he can make movies without Disney”s open checkbook:
BUT now he confronts a truly majestic opponent: himself. To draw investors, he has agreed to a whole set of restrictions. The brothers will receive small salaries and no bonuses this time around. The company”s investment in any individual movie is capped at $40 million. And with no $700 million annuity from Disney, the Weinsteins, who own 51 percent of the company, will squeeze every nickel twice before they spend it.
You could forgive Disney executives for wondering whether this is even the same Harvey Weinstein. […]
“We should thank Disney for not renewing their contract,” said Tarak Ben Ammar, a Tunisian media mogul who owns Quinta Communications and is one of a number of foreign investors. “We are not shooting at the crap table here. There is a very clear business orientation attached to two of the most talented people who ever worked in the movie business.”
It”s nice to see that New Harvey hasn”t gone soft. He”s clearly still brimming with the bloodthirsty desire necessary to kidnap the loved ones of wealthy foreign investors, threatening an “accident” if they don”t pay protection money to Weinstein Co. and supply suspiciously hyperbolic quotes of praise to the media. He”s still got it!
- Placing Bets on Miramax the Sequel [NY Times]
- Previously: Harvey Weinstein Can Raise As Much Money As He Likes, Thank You Very Much [Defamer]
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Today, Mandy Moore Looks Good
Mandy Moore has her ups and downs but she was looking mighty fine at the “Chicken Little” premiere. I like her but I couldn’t deal with a chick whose weight and looks fluctuate as much as hers. If I’m going to invest my time in someone I need security and shouldn’t have to stress about whether or not she’s gonna look like a troll.
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Mel Gibson Gets Surprisingly Helpful Notes From Montezuma
Perhaps it”s time to consider soberly the possibility that Mel Gibson”s been driven insane by the astounding financial rewards derived from pouring his heart into a snuff film about his savior, The Passion of the Christ. The now dramatically bearded Gibson (think Saddam Hussein with a better stylist) is not only directing in tongues on a full-time basis, but holds press conferences in which he suspiciously withholds details about his newest movie, but generously touches on his heroic battles with diarrhea. The LAT passes along this nugget about Gibson”s gastrointestinal distress on the set of Apocalypto:
Though the project so far hasn”t been the ordeal of “The Passion,” Gibson said that he had contracted the ancient affliction of interlopers in Mesoamerica, sometimes called Montezuma”s revenge. “At this moment here in Mexico, my mouth likes the food but my stomach doesn”t,” he said.
Gibson”s struggles with the runs haven”t been a total disaster for the production, however. In fact, the writer/director credited his frequent “story meetings” with the angry, ass-puckering spirit of Montezuma as instrumental in helping him hammer out some especially tricky third act problems.
- Mel Gibson”s latest passion: Maya culture [LAT]
- Mel Goes Mayan [Defamer]
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Monday Morning Box Office: “Saw 2″ Puts Razor-Riddled Apple In Zorro’s Candy Bag
Time to dump out Hollywood”s trick-or-treating pillowcase and see who greedily snapped up the most box office candy:
1. Saw II—$30.5 million
It”s almost crass to open a horror movie on Halloween weekend. Think about cynical it would have looked if Paramount held off releasing The Weather Man until Mopey Bastard Day just to scrape up some easy money at the box office. Nicolas Cage and The New “Mount can hold their heads high with pride, secure in the knowledge that they earned every dollar of their sixth place, $4.3 million bow without a cheap, seasonal gimmick.
2. The Legend of Zorro—$16.5 million
Maybe marketers at Sony could”ve stolen some of Saw 2“s Halloween-related thunder and made more of the fact that star Catherine Zeta Jones is married to the Crypt Keeper. The thought of what Michael Douglas would look like if someone yanked out one of his facelift stitches is certainly far more grisly than anything a splatter flick could hope to offer.
3. Prime—$6.4 million
Fun with casting budgets: After landing Meryl Streep and Uma Thurman as your leads, you have enough money left over to either a) rewrite your romantic comedy as an intergenerational lesbian love story, or b) get the guy from Unscripted to work for meal money. Seems likes such an easy choice, yet moviegoers got Bryan Greenberg instead of Meryl and Uma engaging in a tasteful, but decidedly hot, exploration of their forbidden desires.
4. Dreamer: Inspired By A True Story—$6.3 million
It might seem like we”ve been picking on Dakota Fanning lately, but we”re just trying to earn her respect. Fanning won”t countenance sycophants; if you don”t give her a little sass once in a while, she”ll shiv you in the back of your knees when she sees you at the next premiere party.
5. Wallace and Gromit—$4.4 million
Your disturbing image for the day: Gromit bending (sixth place) Nicolas Cage over a clay log, whispering in his ear that nobody even remembers that National Treasure was a hit.
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Letter From The Editor: Defamer Returns From Working Vacation
Hello, folks, Mark Lisanti here. I”ve returned from yet another all-too-brief hiatus from the blogging grind. But please don”t think that I put aside my responsibilities to go cavorting in some hedonistic paradise where the blow is served in hollowed out coconuts and delivered to your cabana by a volcano-ready virgin. No, this was a working vacation. Unfortunately, a pretty comprehensive nondisclosure agreement prohibits me from divulging the details, but suffice it to say that when Brian Grazer offers you a million dollars to carve his likeness into a pumpkin, you call in sick to the day job and learn to love the feeling of seedy, orange guts running between your fingers.
Another hearty thanks to ursine guest host extraordinaire Seth Abramovitch, whom we understand is already calling in some favors to find out where Survivor“s Jeff Probst works out. Once again, we promise to forward on any propositions meant for the guest editor, because at least one of us should be using this blog to get laid.
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Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt
Angelina Jolie wants more kids but she also wants more ink. The actress, who already has her sexy bod adorned with several tattoos, but is reportedly saving a spot on her butt for Brad Pitt. Angelina has just added another tattoo on her back, "Know Your Rights", and she’s reportedly planning a tattoo of a bunny, which represents new lover Brad Pitt’s Chinese birth year, on her sexy derriere. She has 11 tattoos on her body, the most impressive one being a huge Asian tiger which is located on her lower back.
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Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt
Angelina Jolie wants more kids but she also wants more ink. The actress, who already has her sexy bod adorned with several tattoos, but is reportedly saving a spot on her butt for Brad Pitt. Angelina has just added another tattoo on her back, "Know Your Rights", and she’s reportedly planning a tattoo of a bunny, which represents new lover Brad Pitt’s Chinese birth year, on her sexy derriere. She has 11 tattoos on her body, the most impressive one being a huge Asian tiger which is located on her lower back.
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Tara Reid Gets Caught Like A Deer In The Headlights
We wonder why Tara Reid looks so surprised. We don’t think it’s because she was named the number one Hollywood party animal by In Touch magazine. Tara recently said:
"If I work on a movie for two months, I should be able to dance on as many tables as I want to." She added, "I don’t care what anyone says about me - I always wake up with a smile."
So why does she look like a deer caught in the headlights if she says she just wants to get wasted, dance and hang out? Caption this you gossip whores.
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Tara Reid Gets Caught Like A Deer In The Headlights
We wonder why Tara Reid looks so surprised. We don’t think it’s because she was named the number one Hollywood party animal by In Touch magazine. Tara recently said:
"If I work on a movie for two months, I should be able to dance on as many tables as I want to." She added, "I don’t care what anyone says about me - I always wake up with a smile."
So why does she look like a deer caught in the headlights if she says she just wants to get wasted, dance and hang out? Caption this you gossip whores.
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Tyra Banks Dressed Up As Paris Hilton
Tyra Banks impersonated socialite Paris Hilton for a special Halloween edition of The Tyra Banks Show that will air tonight. But Tyra wouldn’t hold a Tinkerbell lookalike as she’s allergic to dogs. And not even a dose of antihistamines before the show could make her change her mind. Anyway, it has to be the creepiest Halloween costume ever.
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Tyra Banks Dressed Up As Paris Hilton
Tyra Banks impersonated socialite Paris Hilton for a special Halloween edition of The Tyra Banks Show that will air tonight. But Tyra wouldn’t hold a Tinkerbell lookalike as she’s allergic to dogs. And not even a dose of antihistamines before the show could make her change her mind. Anyway, it has to be the creepiest Halloween costume ever.
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Guest Editor to Head Directly To Nearest Bar October 28, 2005
To put it plainly, these past three days have turned me into something of a Unabomber. I”m unwashed and somewhat slightly dazed. Meals became bananas and Trader Joe”s cheesey puffs (Brit–I totally get it now). And yet! And yet– I feel like we”ve really accomplished something here. See, Dad! I did make something of my life! I”ve become a fill-in Defamerette! Like Liz Smith, but hairier! (Ed.: Factcheckers, verify that.)
Mucho thanks to everyone who sent me tips, stories, and input. Have a spookily spectacular weekend, and if you see me out, come up and say hi! I”ll be dressed as a guy passed out on the Akbar bathroom floor.
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Short Ends: Donald Trump Goes Through ‘The Change’
· Welcome to Mollywood.
· LA Observed makes a very good point!
· Paris Hilton may flap her ass all the way to London: “She’s had enough of New York and L.A….She’s moved around too much lately and feels that she could really settle in London. She’s especially fond of Chelsea.” Yay for us! Pray for them.
· Gee, while we”re slaving away over here, we”re glad Mark and the rest of the Gawkeroos are having a grand ol” boozy time.
· Donald Trump is on a rampage. Mass firing his Apprentice candidates. Blasting the New York Times. We have a little theory: he”s going through the male change.
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To Do: Your Weekend of Non-Work-Related Horror
Friday
· Mireille Guiliano signs her best-selling book French Women Don’t Get Fat: The Secret of Eating for Pleasure at the Grove Barnes and Noble. Republican women, on the other hand, do.
· Friday night music: Pretty Girls Make Graves at the Troubadour, Bauhaus at the Wiltern, Sage Francis at the Henry Fonda.
· Check out 18th Street Arts Center’s Halloween celebration featuring live electronic band Cirrus and DJs from KXLU, and performance art by Clan Destino, Wide Open Works and Bob Bellerue.
Saturday
· Arcana books hosts a publication party for Bruce Weber”s new collection of photography, Blood Sweat and Tears Or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love Fashion. Mr. Weber himself will be on hand to sign your purchase. No promises about his almost-naked Abercrombie & Fitch models, though.
· Saturday night music: Suicidal Tendencies and The Germs at the Olympic Auditorium, Chromeo at Little Pedro’s, The Warlocks at the El Rey.
Sunday
· Check out the “drunk clowns, cancerous cigarette girls, and perverted carnies” at our parents” house. No just kidding, at Carnaville at the Highways Performance Space.
· The appropriately named We Are Scientists and Blood Arm play a show at the Troubadour on Halloween eve.
· Ray Bradbury will speak about his life and work, and what a giant stinker Michael Moore is, at the Studio City Branch Library.
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Mel Gibson Throws Extinct-Language Subtitle Writers Another Bone
The next three films Mel Gibson has in development feature only Dutch Creole, Esperanto and Mbariman-Gudhinmese dialogue respectively, but until then we”ll have to settle for just plain old ancient Mayan:
Actor Mel Gibson, who turned a Latin script on the crucifixion of Christ into box office gold last year, is in Mexico to shoot his latest film: an action movie shot entirely in an ancient Mayan tongue.
The star turned independent director was in the eastern state of Veracruz this week where he is to film Apocalypto, a thriller set in an ancient Mayan settlement and shot in the Yucatec dialect.
“It”s set before the Conquest, so there are no European faces, and we are using mostly indigenous people and actors from Mexico City,” Gibson, sporting a long beard, said at a news conference in the port city of Veracruz.
“There”s still a lot of mystery to the Mayan culture, but when all is said and done, it”s just the backdrop to what I”m doing — creating an action adventure of mythic proportions,” he said, blinking before a bank of flash lights.
While Apocalypto doesn”t seem to have the kind of extended torture and mutilation scenes that are the hallmark of acceptable after-school entertainment for the Christian-values set, we think there could be enough poison arrow stabbing sequences to get the “Dove Family Seal of Approval.”
- Mel Gibson to shoot epic movie in Mayan language [Reuters]
- Previously: Fox: Your Home For Snuff Films the Whole Family Can Enjoy [Defamer]
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