Britney’s Panties October 12, 2004
“Britney is dead to me now. Like so many of my major life revelations that revolve around underwear, I didn’t actually realize it until this week when an auction appeared on EBay, offering a pair of panties that Britney wore on her wedding day. ‘Britney wore these to the house where her wedding took place, then later changed when she put on her wedding dress,’ the auction said. ‘This is 100% guaranteed authentic. This item was personally worn by Britney Spears. I will also include a copy of the staff pass I was given to enter the house that night, as proof that this item is genuine and that I was there that night.’ The bid was up to about $170 before EBay took down the auction (apparently creepy underwear thievery violates their acceptable use policy), but I naturally imagined what it would be like to win the auction and have Britney’s ginch arrive in the mail. Then I realized I’d be afraid to touch them. Literally, genuinely scared of handling an article of clothing that had been in contact with Britney’s own Louisiana bayou. When the thought of handling the undergarments of a pop tart sex kitten in the privacy of your own home only makes you wonder if you’ve got a bottle of that antibacterial hand cleanser stuff around, you know the magic is gone and it’s time to say goodbye.” —Edmonton Sun (CA)
This is a pretty funny article about Britney Spears’ “slide into total, irreversible hillbilly skankdom.” Go read the whole thing. Do.
PervScan has weighed in on Britney before, and on panty auctions, and on Britney Spears’ gum showing up on ebay. In that last post about the gum, PervScan joked about mad scientists buying her gum in an effort to skim a DNA sample off it — and when you think about it, that really does open up some freaky possibilities. Law enforcement agencies can lift DNA from a comb or a drink straw, so why shouldn’t some obsessive but scientific fan think to do it from Britney’s gum or from a stray pube in her old panties? And what twisted things could they do with it once they got a sample? As obsessive as some fans are, you can almost imagine them sequencing her genome — by hand. After all, it’s got to be more exciting than sequencing a fruit fly.
Or maybe some renegade scientist will try to clone Britney. Really. Sooner or later somebody will try it with a human, and how do you think he’ll select which human he wants to clone? Either he’ll do it to himself, for want of involving somebody else in his mad science, or he’ll do it to a hot chick, for the obvious reason that any guy would enjoy having his own personal Britney clone.
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