S.S. Audrina Patridge Bikini Pictures July 23, 2008
If “The Hills” is the equivalent of television diarrhea, then Audrina Patridge is the shart that stains your metaphorical television pants. Here she is being totally useless at the DKNY Jeans Malibu Beach House, but you’ll note that she’s in a bikini in these pictures. It’s not often that wiping your ass and jerking off become one beautiful motion, but if you have no shame, embrace it. Plenty more where that came from, pervert.
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Quickies: Suck Me Dry
Kourtney Kardashian seems to prefer boxers over briefs. (The Blemish)
Meet the voice of Pikachu! (Robotzilla)
Amy Winehouse gets waxed. (Holy Moly)
Sherri Shepard’s snatch has seen more vacuum action than a Hoover. (Jezebel)
And yes, “in the butt” counts. (Pajiba)
Eva Mendes in her moist panties. (Websters)
Sam and Lindsay pledge their love with matching promise bracelets. (MollyGood)
Brad Pitt pulls a Britney Spears! (CelebSlam)
First photos of the pregnant man’s baby! (Celebrity Smack)
Do you really need a reason to see Jessica Biel turn around? (popbytes)
Miley Cyrus wants to get naked on the big screen. (Ninja Dude)
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Happy Birthday Nick Hogan
17 year-old Nick Hogan is about to get a little birthday present from the California penal system on Sunday. Penal. How apropos! According to TMZ
Bollea, who has been housed with juveniles, will be moved to an adult facility on Sunday, his 18th birthday. It’s an open dormitory type of setting where he’ll be in close contact with other adult inmates either awaiting sentencing or already sentenced in cases ranging from misdemeanors to felonies.
Ah, the gift of anal rape. Is there anything better? I know it certainly made my 13th birthday a day I’ll never forget. No matter how many therapists they make me talk to.
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Matthew Broderick Cheated on Sarah Jessica!
Sarah Jessica Parker might have metaphorically been put out to pasture by her cheating cad of a husband! According to Star Magazine
While the beloved actress was frantically searching for hubby Matthew Broderick one night earlier this year, he was having sex in the city with a gorgeous redhead half his age.
After meeting in a bar, Matthew began text messaging the 25-year-old youth counselor. Soon after, they began seeing each other and things got passionate quickly when they met at the Manhattan townhouse of a showbiz friend.
I don’t buy it. Not for a second. Not because I believe in the sanctity of their marriage or anything lame like that. It’s because they didn’t once mention the redhead having a penis or smelling like Endure® Sweat Resistant Fly Spray for Horses and sawdust shavings.
SJP with Mr. Big in Vogue Magazine:
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Meet Levi McConaughey
Levi McConaughey makes his debut appearance on the cover of this week’s OK! Magazine, along with Daddy Matthew and Mommy Camila. Matthew was in the room with Camila during the delivery, and was more than happy to divulge all the birthing details:
“We found a great rhythm. Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music. We were jamming! She was sweating. No painkiller, let’s go. She just clicked into that gear that only a woman has at a time like this. [I said,] ‘Let’s handle this… let’s stay in the rhythm. Don’t let the contraction be more than you.’”
I can’t think of anything worse for the birthing experience than Matthew McConaughey “going tribal” in between my legs while a seven pound larva tries to rip its way out of my vagina. Maybe Robin Williams with a kazoo doing the Duttywine in between my legs while a seven pound larva rips its way out of my vagina, but it’s a distant second.
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More Details in Christian Bale’s Assault Arrest
It’s not looking good for Christian Bale.
Everyone was hoping that the Batman actor might have been arrested yesterday for verbally assaulting his mother and sister — what with England’s silly Class 4 and 5 “verbal assault with an intent to cause alarm” clauses — but no dice. It looks like there was actual physical contact between him and his mother. TMZ reports
We’re told Bale pushed his mom out of the way during an altercation. She was not hurt and did not fall down. There’s a division of opinion on whether the contact was a “push” or a “brush.”
Well, that doesn’t sound so bad, does it? I mean, who hasn’t wanted to push their nagging mother out of the way of the door so they could walk out of the room during an argument? So, it looks like this was all a big misunderstanding. Christian doesn’t have an unpredictable and violent temper. Right? Um, not exactly. TMZ goes on to say
Bale was on the set last Friday shooting “Terminator 4.” During a scene, the director of cinematography screwed up a shot — at least in Christian’s mind. Bale went ballistic, screaming “I will kick your ass” along with other choice remarks. Several hundred people heard the outburst — including Military Police — which was described as “intense.”
We’re told Bale was “extremely tired and having a bad day.”
Okaaay… I guess… so maybe the day of the assault was just another “bad day” for Christian. He’s not like that all the time. *crosses fingers* Right? The Daily Mail says
Christian can have a terrible temper. Instead of lashing out at his wife, he sometimes lashes out at people around him.’
Jesus, I give up. The only thing I got is that his mom was a former circus clown. And if there’s one thing my grandpa always told me, it’s that you can’t trust circus folk. He also told me that you couldn’t trust the Japanese and that redheaded people are lazy and that black people run faster than white people because they have an extra bone in their foot, so I wouldn’t exactly call him to the stand or anything. But hey, at least it’s something.
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S.S. Britney Shares A Cigarette With Her Son July 22, 2008
You gave them the gift of life. Instilled their sense of adventure, fostered their imagination, comforted them when they were afraid. And you still give your children the very best. Which is why you take this opportunity to give them the gift of a life-long nicotine addiction. Marlboro® brand cigarettes, with a light taste and velvety texture — one puff is never enough! For a new generation of smokers — choosy moms choose Marlboro.®
Britney Spears giving the gift that keeps on hacking giving:
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Quickies: Great Balls of Fire
Proof that even an octopus is smarter than Paris Hilton. (Robotzilla)
Another reason not to pass out at a frat party: your buddies will set your balls on fire. True fuckin’ story. (MollyGood)
The only way Robin Williams could look any gayer is if there were a penis in his mouth. (Websters)
The new, untarnished Miley Cyrus. (Ninja Dude)
Ghosts corroborate with Billy Bob Thorton on his new album. (Holy Moly)
Carrot Top gets jaw and cheek implants! (CityRag)
May Anderson bikini pictures! (Drunken Stepfather)
Britney Spears plus autism. Surely there’s a joke in there somewhere. (CelebNewsWire)
Sean Connery has an obscene amount of nose hair. (CelebSlam)
Alanis Morrisette tells tales of lesbian ribaldry! (Celebitchy)
Fergie in denim diapers. (Best Week Ever)
Keg stand face plant! (COED Magazine)
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Heidi and Spencer to Visit the Troops
The Global War on Terror just got a little douchier — The Hills’ Heidi Montag and her boyfriend Spencer Pratt are heading overseas to visit the troops, inspired by Heidi’s late stepbrother’s service in the Middle East. According to People magazine
“My brother was an airborne ranger in Afghanistan and Iraq,” the Hills star [says] in an interview. “It’s very important to me and important to Spencer to support the troops and go over there.”
Montag’s stepbrother, Eric O’Hara, 24, died in an accident in March at the Steamboat Springs, Colo., hotel where he worked.
She’d better hope the her only venue over there is a military hospital. Trust me, the only way some soldier is gonna stick around for all four and a half minutes of “Body Language” is if they’re missing their ambulatory means of escape or are completely deaf from all the roadside bombings.
The two sacks of shit posing for staged pics at an L.A. gun range:
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James Blunt Is Better Than You
Here’s singer/musician James Blunt frolicking near his home in Ibiza with two hot chicks playing “Where’s the Nipple?” and “Doggy Style, but with Vaginas!“1 In case you didn’t know, Blunt was also a Captain in the British Army — the first armored reconnaissance officer to enter the Kosovar capital during the 1999 NATO deployment. He also captained the Household Cavalry Alpine Ski Team and was the champion skier of the entire Royal Armoured Corps. So while you’re busy changing the toner and stapling together your TPS reports, James Blunt is busy being a military hero/champion skier flanked by quality kitty on his boat in the middle of the Med. I guess what I’m trying to say is, if James Blunt were any better than you, you’d be dead. On the plus side, your last named doesn’t rhyme with “cunt,” so you got that going for you. Dream big, loser!
1Which, incidentally, make great parlour games if you’ve already exhausted The Minister’s Cat and Lookabout
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Christian Bale Slaps His Own Mother
Batman actor Christian Bale had assault charges filed against him yesterday while in London for the British premiere of The Dark Knight. But here’s the shocker: the charges were filed by his own mother and sister. According to The Sun
He is alleged to have lashed out on Sunday night at Park Lane’s Dorchester Hotel where he has a suite. Mum Jenny, 61, and sister Sharon, 40, who lives in Dorset, went to a police station in Hampshire yesterday to lodge the allegation. The matter was referred to the Met Police. Detectives… are expected to quiz the Wales-born actor today.
I don’t see what all the fuss is about. Christ, I’d pay fifty dollars American to get smacked around by Christian motherfucking Bale. A hundred if he kept the Batsuit on. His mother and sister should be thanking him for the privilege, not bitching to the cops like a couple of ingrate stepchildren. Pearls before swine, I tell ya. Stinging, hand-print-leaving pearls before swine. Some people just don’t know how lucky they are.
UPDATE: TMZ is reporting that Christian has been arrested and taken in for questioning.
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Madonna and Alex Rodriguez Sex Tape
Hold on to your breakfast, boys and girls — there’s a Madonna and Alex Rodriguez sex tape out there, just waiting to be unleashed on the unsuspecting public by the highest bidder. According to the Daily Star
[The man responsible for the video] is demanding a fortune for the footage he claims was shot with a hidden camera in an apartment used by the pair for secret afternoon trysts. The video man claimed he secretly installed a hidden camera in the living room with the lens pointed at the sofa.
Last night Madonna’s lawyers said they were “aware” of the lensman’s claims but were not commenting.
Ooh, that ought to be hot. A half hour of him spotting her while she bench presses her weight in human souls. No thanks.
NSFW Madonna in her Sex book because the video footage isn’t available yet:
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S. S. Rosario Dawson Gets Hosed Down July 21, 2008
The last time I had a garden hose raining water down on my supple breasts like Rosario Dawson here, it was a Tuesday, and I was passed out in the front yard while my mom used it to hose all the vomit off of me. I suppose this version is a little bit sexier.
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Quickies: Monthly Cycle
Sorry, whores — Lindsay Lohan’s knee padded leggings are all sold out. (Websters)
Brooke Hogan says that women can’t be president because they have periods. Too bad Chris Benoit wasn’t her dad. (Jezebel)
Diane Kruger looking like Tom Sawyer’s slutty cousin. (Use My Computer)
Benji Madden looks like a complete asswipe in that getup. (CelebWarship)
Sophie Monk’s sexy new tattoo! (The Rad Report)
Does Rachel Bilson ever not look perfect? (popoholic)
More Jessica Alba mommy cleavage than you can shake a stick at. (Fatback)
Mariah’s sending Nick Cannon into the crazy poor house! (Hollywood Rag)
Lauren Conrad is pissed! But not because she didn’t get an Emmy nod. (Ninja Dude)
The Dark Knight breaks all kinds of box office records over the weekend. (The Blemish)
Lisa Rinna forgets her bra. (pretty boring)
Blake Fielder-Civil gets 27 months in prison! (Holy Moly)
Lance Bass’ new boyfriend is currently married — to a woman. (MollyGood)
The most pretentious arsenal of boner-killing underpants-wadders I’ve ever encountered in my life. Seriously, read the comments. (Pajiba)
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Sienna Stabs Balthazar’s Wife in the Heart… Metaphorically Speaking
In case Balthazar Getty’s wife and mother of his four children hadn’t seen those photos of her husband and Sienna Miller cavorting topless in a Italian villa boudoir last week, Sienna pranced around for a public titty-mauling in full view of God and the paparazzi on Friday. So much for subtlety, right? The only way this could be any more demeaning for poor Rosetta is if Sienna also took a dump on the picture and then slapped her in the face with it.
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Jessica Simpson Sex Tape?
jessica simpson’s debut country performance opening for Sara Evans at Country Thunder Saturday night wasn’t exactly a success. The Kenosha News Online says
The crowd welcomed Simpson with boos [as] she strutted onto the stage in Daisy Duke shorts and cowboy boots [singing] a cover of “These Boots are Made for Walking.”
Audience members found her attempt to crossover into country irritating and that her vocals lacked a southern sound. “She’s an embarrassment to country music,” [said a fan]. “It’s crap. She doesn’t belong here.”
Well, nothing fixes a floundering career quite like a sex tape, right? Good thing there’s one in the works! According to Digital Spy
The home movie features Simpson engaging in a number of sex acts with her ex-husband Nick Lachey. [The video] has been acquired by the same people who released Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee’s holiday sex video.
The tape will reportedly be distributed online unless Simpson pays an undisclosed fee to keep it out of the public domain.
Everyone knows that the old saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again” is totally obsolete in this day and age. The 2008 spin on success should read more like: “if at first you don’t succeed, make sure there’s video of you getting railed on the kitchen counter for mass distribution later on.” After all, success is not a destination, it’s a journey! A journey down anal trail, that is. Godspeed, Jessica!
Her debut country performance:
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Drew Barrymore’s Drinking to Blame for Split
Drew Barrymore’s out-of-control boozing is to blame for her recent split from Justin “I’m a Mac” Long. The Enquirer says
Barrymore and Long had planned to wed – until booze resumed its hold on the former child star. “Justin got tired of having to help Drew to the car at the end of the night,” an insider [said]. “Justin gently suggested to Drew that they both slow down on the drinking, and she didn’t take it well. Drew believes she has control over her drinking.”
Jesus, I get so sick of people trying to tell you that you have “a problem” all the time. Oh, Abby, you have a “problem” with binge drinking. Hey, Abby, you have a “problem” with indecent exposure. Abby, you might want to see a lawyer about your stealing-from-the-petty-cash-at-work “problem.” Well, there’s only one thing to say to your boyfriend (or the cops or the prosecuting attorney) when they start up on you about your “problem”again: “Look — if there was a problem, yo, I’d solve it.” You can add “Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it” or just freestyle from there. There’s no arguing with Vanilla Ice logic, baby!
The couple in happier, boozier times (drinking on a beach and leaving a bar):
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Top Gun Sequel in the Works
With the success of recent movie sequels like Indiana Jones and Rocky, Hollywood execs have decided to shit all over one of the most iconic movies of the 1980’s — Top Gun. According to The Sun
Movie bosses want to bring back cocky fighter-pilot trainee Maverick 22 years after the first film. A script outline has been written, but the sequel depends on Cruise, 46, saying yes.
An insider said: “The idea is Maverick is at the Top Gun school as an instructor — and this time it is he who has to deal with a cocky new female pilot.”
It wouldn’t work, primarily because the Maverick version of Tom Cruise is long gone. Instead you have this Scientology-obsessed, socially inept little weirdo whose approval rating ranks right below George W. Bush’s and Hilter’s. People don’t want to see his movies anymore. And frankly, Kenny Loggins isn’t the musical powerhouse he was in the 80’s. But all that aside, the fate of a sequel usually rests in its title. I took the liberty of splicing a couple together for you. I present:
TOP TEN “TOP GUN” POTENTIAL SEQUEL TITLES
10. Top Gun Part Deux: Resurrection
9. Top Gun II: In Dark Territory
8. Big Top Pete Mitchell
7. Top Gun II: Back 2 Tha’ Hood
6. Book of Shadows: Top Gun 2
4. Top Gun II: Havana Nights
2. Top Gun Reloaded
and the number one Top Gun potential movie sequel title:
1. Top Gun II: “Cruise” Control
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S.S. Brooke Shields in New York July 18, 2008
Brooke Shields was in New York yesterday, by all accounts doing her best Martha Washington in a pair of short shorts. All she’s missing is a man with syphilis and wooden teeth and the Founding Father fantasy is complete!
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Quickies: Stitch in Time
Another warrant issued for Pete Doherty’s arrest! (Holy Moly!)
Salma Hayek calls off her engagement! (Dlisted)
Zac Efron would like to personally invite you to the gun show. (CelebSlam)
Mischa Barton does her best Al Bundy impression. (Websters)
Meet Avril Lavigne’s ugly little bastard, Abbey Dawn. (Celebitchy)
Did think Pete Wentz could possibly get any gayer? Think again. (Bricks and Stones)
Anderson Cooper — in cat form! (Best Week Ever)
Brooke Hogan talks sex. You talk vomit. (MollyGood)
Katherine Heigl finally gets that brain tumor she so richly deserves. (CelebNewsWire)
Rihanna side boobage! (CityRag)
Sugar Ray gets canned. (Seriously? OMG)
Amy Winehouse busted in a bathroom stall. (CelebSmack)
Carrie Underwood performs in a killer pair of thigh-high boots. (The Grumpiest)
Celebrity boob-off ESPY edition: Hayden Panettiere vs. Kristen Bell! (Ninja Dude)
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Marisa Miller’s Fans are Trichophiliacs
Fans of supermodel Marisa Miller cross the occasional social boundary when it comes making requests of Maxim’s “Sexiest Woman Alive.” Marisa told the NY Daily News at the launch party for her Vans sneakers line
“My management is good about throwing away the really scary fan mail, but sometimes I get a letter asking for some of my hair. That’s just weird!”
So we’re a little “enthusiastic” from time to time. Maybe a little “overzealous.” I prefer to use those terms because they aren’t nearly as offensive to potential employers as “clinically deranged” and “court-ordered to maintain a distance of 500 feet at all times.” Let’s not get bogged down in semantics, H.R.!
At the launch party:
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Something’s “Wrong” in Charlie Sheen’s House
Denise Richards was in court yesterday morning to request an emergency order restricting ex-husband Charlie Sheen’s access to their two daughters, citing a psychologically damaging “issue” in his home. According to TMZ
They told the judge there’s a serious issue in Charlie’s home that could have an adverse impact on the kids. The issue, we’re told, is psychological and Denise wants professionals to evaluate things. In the meantime, she doesn’t want her kids hanging around there.
Three guesses says the psychological detriment in the home happens to rhyme with “binflatable moll.” This is Charlie Sheen we’re talking about. It’s not hard to imagine a few things you might find lying around the Sheen household that could be emotionally scarring to children. Christ, I can think of ten right off the top of my head. Naturally, I made a list for you:
TOP TEN PSYCHOLOGICALLY DAMAGING ITEMS YOU’D FIND IN CHARLIE SHEEN’S HOME:
10. Intimate SynergyTM spinning sex swing
9. Naked pictures of John Cryer
8. Syringes full of injectable cocaine
7. Authentic Ginger Lynn Pocket Pussy
5. Closet full of dead hookers
4. Professional Sports Handicappers on speed dial
3. Pom-poms that double as anal bead/gag restraints
2. An IV bag full of Crown Royal
and the number one psychologically damaging item you might find in Charlie Sheen’s home:
1. Extended director’s cut edition of “Men at Work”
Denise in Maui back in April:
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John Mayer Cheats on Jennifer Aniston
Since she started dating 30 year-old John Mayer, 39 year-old Jennifer Aniston has dropped nearly twenty grand a month on maintaining a youthful visage. The Enquirer says
“Her monthly regimen includes private instruction with a top yoga guru and personal training sessions. Jen pays a private chef for organic, high-protein, low-fat meals [and] goes for anti-cellulite sculpting treatments twice a month. She calls the treatments ‘necessary tune-ups.”
But all those tune-ups might not be doing the trick. Just two days before Jen flew to Amsterdam to meet Mayer, the singer was busy cheesing up some chick in a Dutch coffeehouse. According to In Touch
On June 20, John approached a writer from Manhattan Beach and sat beside her at her table. “I think he thought I was from Amsterdam, because he said, ‘I am John and I am a singer.’ I asked him what his relationship status was. He said, ‘It’s vague.’ I asked him what that meant and he said, ‘You know, it’s very vague.’ What she did say is that John was acting very much like a single man. “I never would have guessed he had a girlfriend at all. ”
Anti-cellulite spa sculpting treatments: $1,000. Thrice-weekly yoga session with top Hollywood guru: $3,000. Organic high-protein meals flown in by your personal chef: $3,500. Finding out your boyfriend cheated on you with some slut in fourteen dollars’ worth of Wet ‘n’ Wild from Walgreens: priceless. There are somethings that money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s actual self-esteem.
Nippin’ out in West Hollywood yesterday:
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Britney Gives up Custody
In a totally unexpected turn of events, Britney Spears has given up all attempts to regain custody of her children from ex-husband Kevin Federline. Popozao! Kevin’s attorney told OK! Magazine
“A final settlement